The life of a bear, please

     It's getting close to winter, may I please hibernate? May I take a day or maybe a month off from the bustling world around me? Would it be alright, Universe, if I could float in between time with Papa Bear for a while and hold his hand? I'm not asking for much, am I? A little relaxing time with my bebee sounds superb.

     I suppose I can tough it out for a bit. After all, November 11th isn't so far away. I'm just exhausted with this life I'm living; I feel so boring, so ordinary. This is the part of my life that they would leave out of the movie, the part where nothing happens. The part where I take a walk around Target to put my mind at ease and I pretend I'm going to buy something. The part where I sit in my car and think about nothing in particular and amaze myself with thoughts...

     A co-worker asked what I do for fun---honestly, I had no answer. My life is so dull. I work, I eat, I sleep. I need a change. Having weekends off sucks when you have no friends.

     And on a final note, I dreamt that I had a pet bear that drank vanilla lattes. That's me, a tired bear who's too busy to hibernate. I need some time for myself besides these few hours before bed./: I'd like the life of an bear with no priorities.

Holding hostages

     I read a status update on facebook that said, "Get him off of your mind and let him out of your life, okay?" That status wasn't meant for me but it affected me as thought it was; let me explain.
     I cannot handle the thought of someone I care about leaving my life. I hold fast to everyone because, in my opinion, everyone matters. Every person in my life is here for a reason, but what happens when they no longer want to stay? Am I wrong for making hostages of those I care about so much?
     I think it is wrong. I should be letting people leave if they so desire...

...maybe.

Mirrored damage

     I'm listening to Northern Lights (Acoustic) by The Dangerous Summer. I've been listening to it on repeat for a couple of days now. On the way to work, after work, during time to myself, as I sleep... and I really don't know why I torture myself this way. This song has such a profound meaning to me  that I can't help but fill buckets with my tears. *Sigh* How depressing.
     I just feel like I'm on the defensive; instead of being the victim I'm the murderer. I'll plea "not guilty" even as I sit in court with my hands laden with crimson blood. Of course, I won't get away with it because my imaginary world is quite just---but that's besides the point.
     My tactics have been taught to me by people who were once of the utmost importance. I have a mirror full of the terrible things that those I loved have put me through and now, I'm using them for myself.
     But why? It's not as though I intentionally decided to be evil, it's just a way for me to defend myself from the very few insecurities I do have. Instead of trying things I run away, I say "I don't know," I hide, and cower  in fear... in fear of myself.
     I make too many mistakes and I think far too deeply, far too often. And as a result I hurt those I care about. It becomes a repeating process and at the end of the day I begin to realize that I'm breaking my own heart.
   

When will I learn?