I thought you would never leaf me...

     There are only a few things flowing through my mind right now, the first being the title of this post. Oh how I wish to spill my heart to you, blogger world. I was deserted in July, and everywhere I walked I saw leaves. I wanted to send him a leaf with "I thought you would never leaf me..." written on it. It was cheesy, I know, but it was all I thought I could do besides cry. Even now, just the thought of it is tearing me apart. I wrote and typed numerous letters that I just ended up throwing away, I wrote ten page text messages that I never sent, I dialed those ten digits but never hit the call button. Oh I was so depressed, it was as though the sun had failed to rise and everything I did thereafter was another fuck up to add to the wall of tallies. Everything fell apart, not even crazy glue could have kept it together, but I suppose that's destiny or fate or what have you.

     And it's not like good hasn't come from it, but sometimes it feels as though things could have been slightly different. Maybe. Like my last day in Texas as my home, that could have been much different. I'll never forget when my mother uttered those ugly words to me, "If he loved you, he would have come and spent the night with you." "He has work mom," I replied feebly, "it's fine." She shook her head and went away from me. That day was eventful and terrible. I never really thought of how (quote, unquote) things could have been, it kind of just came to me one day. I was thinking nothing of you when I remembered how terribly lonely I was on the night before my departure and of my mom's words to me. 

     Then I fast forward to the day he left me, the day that I ran until my knees gave out. There were leaves everywhere and I could think was that every leaf lying on the ground was a stab at my heart, at my pathetic broken heart.

     I flashback to that lonely night before my voyage and my mind plays game with me. It places him there, in my bed, with me in his arms. I look so deadly serious when I look up at him and say, "You won't leave me out there all by myself, will you?" He smirks and says, "Now why would you get a silly idea like that in your head? Of course not, I love you!" I smile a toothy smile and close my eyes because I feel safe, he moves the hair from my forehead and my imaginary memory fades away.

     My eyes start watering but I quickly brush away the forming tears. Why does the mind play this folly with us? Why make me remember something that never happened? Why make me feel so strongly for something that is but a mental lie? Oh mind, why must you do this to me?