Love machines

Here is a montage of my thoughts of now, in no particular order.


You think not telling is not lying. I'm slowly eating myself away. I don't want to sleep, I want to stay up and read. I need to read Wallflowers. September 27th, 2010. There is good in us all.<3 Everything prior to September 1st, 2011. I don't really understand what I'm all broken up about. You are so charasmatic and I... so socially awkward. Chapter one of Book Two of This Side of Paradise, made me cry. "We're both opposite numbers." I like the look of my messy room. I wonder if we're the same person. Next mission, the lass from Hot Topic. I could read a thousand lines about Amory Blaine knowing that every word I read was written about you.
Remember to remember but don't forget to forget. Regardless of what they think, they aren't living your life.
I guess I should retire to sleep...

...after I finish this book.

(:

"Because selfish people are in a way terribly capable of great loves."

-Amory Blaine, This Side Of Paradise

Read my sorrows away

     I'm really selfish but I still do nice things for other people, that's beside the point.
     Today was pretty good. I participated in a field trip that took some random students of Salem High School to a courthouse and a jail. It was a fairly interesting trip and I will never for get the convicted felon/ trustee that spoke with us. I don't remember his name but his wife just had thier baby boy on September 27th. His son only gets to see his dad on the video visitation that is provided by the jail, which I find tragic. The guy really seems like a nice guy who was just trying to make it in the world... but I digress.
     I felt pretty useless during the latter part of the day, though. I feel like I opened up just to get shut down. It's not really a big deal but I don't really know how to explain how I feel. I knew that this was going to happen but just not this soon. I talked to Charmander today and he listened.
     It's like I'm in a slump that I can't get over, like there's an impassable hill and all I want to do is climb it... but my knees are too weak. And I try to "motivate" myself by telling me that I can get over the hill, when in reality I can't. Or maybe I won't let myself. Either way, that hill is there. It makes me so upset that I can't do the things I want because of the way I let things affect me. I mean seriously, look at me! I'm such a mess... Well I'm not so sure you can see it as much as me but it's true. I'm just a person wrapped up in emotion and distress. And on top of that is a thin layer of plastic wrap labeled happiness. It covers every inch of me but is so easily pierced, so easily damaged. I guess they were right when they called me 'fragile' in middle school...
     This has just shown me how terribly I handle myself and the predicments I get into. And how selfish I am with the things I expect of the people I surround myself with. I think I need something new, I think I need a change. I'm breaking my own heart and it's a shame. I'm going to go bury my head in This Side of Paradise.