Sunflowers still wilt

     I am, for the time being, back to my cute self. You make me smile and cry all the same. I hope this will last, though I'm not sure if it will. It's already starting to fade and it's only just begun. You can plant the seeds to grow a sunflower but it won't grow without your patience, and mine.

Dreaming up nightmares

     It's strange. Everything felt like a dream to begin with just to turn sour in the end. You surprised me. I didn't know what to think. Things started to flow like corn syrup from a jar: smooth yet thick. One day. Just one day. And that corn syrup got all over the floor and made a huge sticky mess. A mess with purpose, though. But it seems everything is misinterpreted, as always.
     To my father, I am headed down the path of being seventeen and pregnant. He thinks that after I graduate or whatever, that I'm gonna get pregnant and do nothing with my life. I have no ambitions, but to be a mother, and I highly doubt I have the capabilities to do that. Not necessarily that I won't be a good mom but more like my body wouldn't be able to handle it. I think of that a lot, but that's for another day. I've been trying to tell my father that I don't want to go to college and that I don't want to join the military but "doing nothing" is not an option. He says I'm setting the bar too low and that I need to form some expectations for myself. I do have an expectation: I expect myself to graduate from high school, no GED or whatever, but a full on high school diploma. After that I don't know what I'm gonna do, I just know that I'm not stupid. I will do something when I'm ready; but right now, I'm not. I'm tired of everyone pressuring me to make something of myself when I there is nothing more I want to do than work at Target. I'm sorry that it's not enough for you, father. I'm sorry I'm not your perfect, educated son. I'm sorry I'm not who you want me to be. I'm just your fuck-up of a daughter.
     Besides being, no wait, I'm a fuck-up to pretty much everyone. Yep. Sorry world, I'm not a functional member of society. Maybe after I graduate I'll lose contact with the vast majority of the people that care, how does that sound? I'll end like Chris McCandless: dead somewhere in the middle of Alaska. Mhm, and I hope you think great of me then. I hope by then that I will have made you proud. All of you.
     Too bad I care too much to let myself die and lose contact with you, even if all I do is disappoint you. I care a lot. Too much for my own good. But on the bright side, I fixed the bracelet. I wish that when I go to sleep I will awaken from this nightmarish dream, and if I do, I'll remember to tell you to stay. Please stay, I'm more trouble than I'm ever worth. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry everyone.

Men and their vehicular pride

     I didn't blog yesterday and I don't remember how I felt so I'll probably shift between the two a lot in this entry. So I'll start with whatever comes to mind.
     My ears have been burning a lot lately, especially the right. I wonder who's doing all the talking. Oh, speaking of talking, I had a flashback moment because of what happened yesterday. Kasey, Matt, and I were walking past Food Lion (keep in mind that Matt has a huge rock in his hand, don't ask why). So we were minding our own business and Matt raises the rock to this guy's car who is driving past us; the guy looks like a typical prick, wanna-be surfer dude, and he gets out of his vehicle. "You got something to say?" Matt looks at him like 'whatever' and says no dude. The prick guy starts calling Matt names and thinks he's all cool by talking down on a kid in front of his girlfriend (who was really impressed). We kept walking and the guy took the time to loop around and talk more mierda. Lame guy with nothing better to do but talk crap to kids. -_-
    The flashback that the previous situation reminds me of is one day at dollar theatre with Chance and Andy. I think this was the day that we put the Black Panther CD on, top volume, and the first song began with a woman singing, "We will not back down... from RACISM!" The vehicle next to us was a African American person with their windows rolled down, classic. Ha ha ha. Moving on, we were close the theatre and Andy was kinda swerving for a reason I cannot remember. Well this guy in front of us got upset and when we turned into the theatre parking after us. We got out of Andy's car and started our way to the front of the building, and just then the guy pulls up next to us. "What the ****? You ****ing kids..." Blah blah blah. Andy was being real serious with him and I couldn't help but want to laugh. "Go what your damn movie, see what happens when you get out!" The three of us looked at Andy's car and I was near tears. The guy sped off and I said, "What is he gonna do? Give you a paint job?" Ha ha ha, oh well. Today, there isn't much more I want to say. Goodnight

Voltorb and Electrode, Self-Destructive Pokémon

     It was a great day, it really was. It wasn't school that made me explode, it was the events that followed getting off te bus...
     Apparently its wrong to get upset when some one is constantly hitting you. Oh wait, I mean "playing". I am soooo sorry that I don't find the humor in getting hit repeatedly with your beanie and hands. MY BAD. But I believe that I had every right to be mad. And you know what? I'm very happy at how easily you can drop me, when I do everything in my power to hold on. I care about you and our friendship, but if you can't even apologize, I think I'm wasting my time. The funny thing about me, though, is that I keep caring long after my logic says not to. So here I am. Waiting. I figured that I'm never enough. Well, we both know that. And like I said, I'm waiting. Hoping I'll be enough. Pretending I'm so goddamn great, so goddamn great.
     I cried and went to the garage after blowing up at you, I punched the walls, then I sat alone in the middle of the floor, giving myself time to attain composure. I was okay, for a while.
     You called me. You asked me-- no, you told me to go home. You said I have no emotion and that I don't care. That my heart in an envelope is not enough. I'm never enough for anyone and I want to do the impossible: make everyone happy. And you...
     You still make me happy. And all the arguing is futile and I'm glad that we always stray from it. It is very unlike us. It's not us at all.
     My grandma called me; the things she said made me smile. We spoke of greedy children after Christmas and love. She's the only one that has faith in me. Well, beside ourselves.
     On other things, I have a irreplaceable best friend. No one can top this friend of mine. I mean, sometimes she doesn't listen to me and other times she's really mean; but she's still my best friend and I love her to death. If you don't know who I'm talking about, I speak (well type) about Kasey. She's always there for me and I hope she knows that I'm always here (where ever I am) for her. I love her with all my heart and never in my life have I had a better best friend.<3
     There are other things swimming around in my head, I've been having a lot of flashbacks. Flashbacks are weird. It's a different expierence than what you would expect. It's mind-blowing actually. They were talking about Christmas presents that they were told not to open until the 25th (of December, obviously). It made me remember when I lived in Japan. Marky Chase handed me a box and said "Do not open this until Christmas day". I placed it under the tree and waited day by day, wondering what it held inside. Some days I'd hold it in my hand and imagine the contents. Other days I'd shake it, hoping to tell what it was by the sound. Christmas morning I woke up early and opened the tiny white box and pulled out a necklace whose charm appeared to be a marijuana plant (lol) with the wrong amout of leaves. It was sort of clover-like in a off green color, on a yellow-gold chain. I remember admiring it for a long time. I hope I can find it some day. But that isn't the only flashback I've been having, just the only one I'm going to share with you. Goodbye.

Daylight savings is humanity taking a loan from time

     Slow day. I spent the majority of last night on the phone, after being called sweetie by a girl. Not in a lesbian manner, but in the manner which is used to insult. I slept in and I think daylight savings had nothing to do with it.
     Speaking of daylight savings... It's a ridiculous event. Sure we gain an hour of sleep but in the long run, was that one hour worth losing one in spring? I don't think so. And it is lovely to go outside and it's light in the morning, isn't it? Yeah well I much rather have it lighter later in the day so I'm not afraid to stay outside at five o'clock. Daylight savings is this stupid idea that humanity can control time by asking it for a loan. The funny thing about loans is that you have to pay them back and, oddly enough, we go through this ridiculous process every year. But I digress.
     Today I spent a little time with Kasey before she went to her grandparents, and the rest of the time with Pablo. Pablo and I made art out of a canvas, paint, and trash bags. We named it "Unicorns" then spent quite some time identifying small objects within the whole. We came to my house and did extravagant math problems to figure out how much seconds are necessary in an hour for my wrist watch to gain one minute everyday. It was complex but interesting. Later, we played a game on my mini fridge where we took turns drawing small doodles to make a grand picture. Quite enthralling. I started drawing everyone I know in stick figure form but I'm far from finished. After Pablo left, Heather, my dad, and I headed to watch the Greenbay Packers play the Dallas Cowboys.
     I didn't really want to go but you know, what could I do? I wasn't too hungry when we got there so I ate a little here and there. I socialized a bit. I sat. I drank sweet tea. I nibbled on things here and there. I played with my iPhone for quite a while. I started falling asleep so it was decided that we return home. I had been trying to type this while I was over at the house of Packer's fans, but it just wasn't the same. I like the feel of my computer keys. It is time to call it a night though, I will see you tomorrow.