I had been half asleep for about an hour, I could still hear my music perfectly. That's when I heard the text message tone from my iPhone. My heart pounded heavily and told my brain that it was you, they just knew it was you. I scrambled for the phone and saw "Papa Bear<3" appear on the screen. At one point I felt like my heart would tear a hole in my chest, but luckily it gradually beat slower and without as much force.
I opened the message and it wasn't awful, but it wasn't anything like I was expecting. It's just one of those things that make me hate girls, and as a result I deleted my facebook completely. It'll be gone in two weeks time, I believe.
I'm still texting Robert as I type this, but I just had to get on here. It makes me feel better. Plus, I had to write about my heart nearly exploding. It was something that I've never felt before. Neopets is down so I guess I'm not gonna do my dailies... see you around fellow bloggers.
P.S. If you don't like me, don't waste your time trolling on me. It doesn't do anything for you and it sure as hell does nothing for me, except make me lose tons of respect for you.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Monday, December 5, 2011
How many times a day...
You know when you go to a store for just one thing but end up seeing something that reminds you of some one, so you just HAVE to get it? Well that happened to me today while I was a Michael's picking up some of that floral Styrofoam stuff.
I was in line for the register when, BAM!; a package of "Moose Munch" caught my eye. I thought of Robert and had to buy it... I'm not really sure what I'm gonna do with it now, maybe send it for Christmas, but I have it! Then that led me to thinking, how many times a day am I thought about?
I think of a lot of people almost all the time, some more than others; but that goes without saying. I just happen to have long trains of thought that end up connecting people, memories, and objects in the strangest ways. If you have read this post, then you'll know exactly what I mean. But if I can think of almost everyone I've ever met in a matter of a few brief minutes, then how many times do I cross their minds? I think about Robert a lot, for obvious reasons, but there is just so much to think about. Or maybe I'm just thinking too much... or not enough.
These days are getting better
This weekend has treated me well and I'm pretty happy about it, of course there has been some minor upsets but that's all in an average weekend. Overall, I'm happy. I mean, things could always be better but this is the best I've felt in a while. Somethings have stood out amongst the rest this weekend... which I will now explain to you.
On Friday, I made sure I did all my work and kept my section of tables clean, so I could leave IHOP early and help Jasmine, Justin, Andrea, and Joey's mom make soda tab bracelets. I love Joey's mom and the kids, but Joey found a way to sour my visit. He asked me to stay out of his room and the little house that we used to live in together, and I respected that completely; I wasn't there to nose through his stuff. He then proceeded to call his mother and Jasmine to make sure they keep me out of his things.
It made me really mad. I mean, I don't expect him to trust me but I expect him to understand that when I respect what he has requested of me and that I was not going to go through his things. I called him and explained this to him and he replied, "Last time, you didn't tell me you were going to the little house to take your stuff."
"Well that same day before I got my things, you left the room I was in... as if my presence was such a bother to you!" I half yelled, trying to keep my cool.
"Well... it kinda does bother me!"
I started shaking and Jasmine started crying. I said goodbye then hung up. It was really upsetting that someone could make me feel so angry for something so minuscule. What hurt the worst was that the fact that my presence bothers Joey made Jasmine upset. I love that girl so much, but Joey and I are just not going to work out. I really don't want us to work out, not now.
He left a note jammed between my car door and the panel. Here it is:
 |
This photo was taken on March 1st, 2010. Joey's hand (top) and my hand in the first two soda tab bracelets I ever made. |
It made me really mad. I mean, I don't expect him to trust me but I expect him to understand that when I respect what he has requested of me and that I was not going to go through his things. I called him and explained this to him and he replied, "Last time, you didn't tell me you were going to the little house to take your stuff."
"Well that same day before I got my things, you left the room I was in... as if my presence was such a bother to you!" I half yelled, trying to keep my cool.
"Well... it kinda does bother me!"
I started shaking and Jasmine started crying. I said goodbye then hung up. It was really upsetting that someone could make me feel so angry for something so minuscule. What hurt the worst was that the fact that my presence bothers Joey made Jasmine upset. I love that girl so much, but Joey and I are just not going to work out. I really don't want us to work out, not now.
He left a note jammed between my car door and the panel. Here it is:
Top right: "Best any small trace of my humor can be."
Top center (bubble): "Can't believe I'm named after a blue box."
Left center (under cat): "Since you like cats."
Bottom: "If you remember these than you'll understand a lil bit why its
hard to even say hi to you. Let alone anything I really wanna tell you.
Good luck in Arizona. Wish you the best. See you round Doll.'"
A depiction of him asking me,
"Baby, where are my steampunk goggles?"
It made me smile and upset all the same, but that just like any flash from the past will do. I'm supposed to see a movie with the kids this upcoming weekend and play some Animal Crossing too. A lot walking down memory lane went on this weekend, 'specially with those kids. We've all been through a lot together, but one thing that practically broke my heart was ever so simple. Justin brought out a letter I had written to him in Summer 2010. In it I had written, "see you in thirty days." Justin looked at me and said, "And then you never came back. You lied to us." I know he was only giving me a hard time but it hurt. It hurt my heart to lie to him, even though it was unintentionally.
I tried to stay as long as I could but the kids were getting tired and Joey's mom wanted me to leave so the kids would be willing to go to bed. I hugged them all for quite a while and I read the little note before I left. I mused about the past then started up Carl and made my way back home, thinking many thoughts all the way.
I passed out almost immediately once I got home and had a nice dream about Robert. It was just as intricate as any other dream but I don't feel like sharing it at this point.
I worked for an hour on Saturday which was really lame so I ended up making Robert's mom's Christmas gift and hanging out with Brandon, one of the IHOP cooks, until I took him to work.
The gift, a bouquet of origami tulips in a tissue paper mosaic vase.
I used tissue paper from Victoria's Secret, Iron Fist shoes, and this glittery one a co-worker gave me. I bought the floral stems and moss stem tape from Hobby Lobby for about six dollars, the vase was a dollar at the dollar tree, and I learned how to make origami flowers from origami-instructions.com. It's a pretty simple project. I just need some of that Styrofoam type stuff so the flowers stay in place.
Today was great! Shot some paint ball with Brandon, Sid, and Cali. Went to this awesome indoor flea market and scored these super awesome communications cards from way back when. I'm planning on turning them into postcards, and I'll post photos when I make 'em. (Cali and I are pretty excited bout them, ha ha.) And I'll finish this post with a couple of photos from today.
Today was great! Shot some paint ball with Brandon, Sid, and Cali. Went to this awesome indoor flea market and scored these super awesome communications cards from way back when. I'm planning on turning them into postcards, and I'll post photos when I make 'em. (Cali and I are pretty excited bout them, ha ha.) And I'll finish this post with a couple of photos from today.
This is Anubis.
She's really cute and really hyper.
And possibly a lesbian, ha ha.
I think she's a miniature greyhound.
:3
Mike, another IHOP server and friend of mine, joined us later.
Anubis liked the warmth of his jacket.
So cute, lol.
Cali gave me a moose...
'cause I was sorta obsessing over cute ones we saw at the flea market.
Ets suh adorabhulll!
^____^
P.S. I just remembered something. On the refrigerator at Brandon's house, they have a zodiac thingamajig and it said that for the rooster, 2011 was expected to be a terrible year. And you know, it's only been half bad. The page advised roosters to wear jade and carry a lucky Buddha. *Sigh* I really miss my pocket Buddha. On the bright side, he's with someone who needs the luck. I can't complain, goodnight.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
The secret life of Passíon A. Magician
I've decided that I'm going to disappear from Robert for a while, we'll see what that does. Hopefully it helps both of us. This way I won't worry myself to shreds and he'll have time to evaluate his feelings and thoughts and such. Speaking of Robert, I had a bad dream about him... but after I talked to him about it, it didn't seem as bad as it made me feel.
The dream started with two kids playing a computer game, the view I had was of the back of their heads looking into the computer screen. They were playing a game in which they had to turn people and their towns smaller and separate them from each other that way the Acorn Queen wouldn't destroy them. It ended up that Robert, a bunch of random people, and I were in the game. We were swimming across a river with our possessions to a summer camp place.
Robert's room was the only room in the entire place that had a girl bunked with two boys, Robert and his friend Santana. My room was right next to his and I cannot recall if I had any bunk mates. The bathroom was in the hall that was in front of my room, and a door from Robert's room led to the bathroom as well. This is important later.
Some time after every one of the townsfolk had got their belongs to the camp, this daring young boy jumped off a cliff into the river on a couch cushion. Following his decent, a black man, maybe in his early twenties, ran over to the where the boy had safely landed and began drowning himself for reasons unbeknownst to me. When the boy asked him why he was drowning himself he mumbled something along the lines of, "I've been waiting for my brother."
After the man took his own life through the water, I saw Robert crossing a bridge that lead to the camp. I waved excitedly and frantically at him and all he did was stare. Confused, I made a heart shape with my hands and he looked away and continued on his way. I assumed he wasn't talking to me, shrugged it off, and went back to the camp to go take a shower.
As I was undressing, a former classmate of mine walked in and freaked out a little. I was topless and just struck up a conversation with Darrell, all the while he not knowing whether to keep his eyes on my eyes or... you know. Once the conversation came to an end, I asked him if he wanted to join me in a shower. He ran away screaming "no" as though I was trying to kill him. Once again, I shrugged off the action of a boy and continued with my business.
When I finished my shower Darrell ran into the bathroom and announced that he was ready. Although I was fully dressed he picked me up in such a way that my leg would be wrapped around his waist, else I fall backwards. Surprised by this sudden action, I exclaimed, "Oh Darrel! You're so strong!" (Which now that I think about it sounds pretty... bad.) Robert passed by the bathroom to enter his room just as I made that statement, which probably made him mad. But before I could do anything a camp counselor came into the bathroom with buckets and said, "Well, I guess we ought to prepare everyone for what's about to happen." She opened the door that connected the bathroom to Robert's room and placed a bucket between the door and the wall; she continued to do this with all doors at the camp.
I walked by Robert's room hoping that he wasn't upset with what he saw and that maybe he would believe me when I explained what happened... which still seemed pretty bad even though Robert wasn't talking to me. When I peered in he and Santana we just laying in bed because they had gotten in trouble for making their watches spell the word dick, so as a punishment they were ordered to go to bed at two o'clock.
I went into the kitchen to waste some time and to help Mankie with what ever she needed. I didn't end up doing much so I decided to head back to my room and as soon as I reached for the handle of my door, Robert beckoned me to see him. I took a seat on the floor and Robert opened up a notebook that he made and began a story.
Page by page he went through our whole history up until this point. At the last page was a drawing of five people, three of them were colored red and two of them were only red outlines. He pointed at the picture and said, "...and then you had to go and do this. Why would you do this to me?" I tried explaining what had happened with Darrell but he refused to listen. I grabbed a pair of scissors and held them at my shoulder, then I woke up in that position.
It was pretty scary because I have no idea what I planned to do with those scissors. But the dream made me feel like it was the end of the line for Robert and I, which I don't believe. I think the dream was just a mash up of everything that my co-workers were telling me last night.
The thing that stuck with me most was what Candace said, which was, "You would think that people get closer together during the holidays but actually, since the year is coming to an end they reflect on the past year and what could have been."
My theory on getting over people is that you find someone else who makes you want to get over the person you were with before, but that's just my opinion. It could be different for everyone else, I don't know. I just hope that I'm worth getting over Nancy because I don't want anyone else but Robert. In which case, I hope my disappearing act makes things better before he's supposed to come visit.
P.S. I hope you enjoyed the pun of a blog title there.
(:
The dream started with two kids playing a computer game, the view I had was of the back of their heads looking into the computer screen. They were playing a game in which they had to turn people and their towns smaller and separate them from each other that way the Acorn Queen wouldn't destroy them. It ended up that Robert, a bunch of random people, and I were in the game. We were swimming across a river with our possessions to a summer camp place.
Robert's room was the only room in the entire place that had a girl bunked with two boys, Robert and his friend Santana. My room was right next to his and I cannot recall if I had any bunk mates. The bathroom was in the hall that was in front of my room, and a door from Robert's room led to the bathroom as well. This is important later.
Some time after every one of the townsfolk had got their belongs to the camp, this daring young boy jumped off a cliff into the river on a couch cushion. Following his decent, a black man, maybe in his early twenties, ran over to the where the boy had safely landed and began drowning himself for reasons unbeknownst to me. When the boy asked him why he was drowning himself he mumbled something along the lines of, "I've been waiting for my brother."
After the man took his own life through the water, I saw Robert crossing a bridge that lead to the camp. I waved excitedly and frantically at him and all he did was stare. Confused, I made a heart shape with my hands and he looked away and continued on his way. I assumed he wasn't talking to me, shrugged it off, and went back to the camp to go take a shower.
As I was undressing, a former classmate of mine walked in and freaked out a little. I was topless and just struck up a conversation with Darrell, all the while he not knowing whether to keep his eyes on my eyes or... you know. Once the conversation came to an end, I asked him if he wanted to join me in a shower. He ran away screaming "no" as though I was trying to kill him. Once again, I shrugged off the action of a boy and continued with my business.
When I finished my shower Darrell ran into the bathroom and announced that he was ready. Although I was fully dressed he picked me up in such a way that my leg would be wrapped around his waist, else I fall backwards. Surprised by this sudden action, I exclaimed, "Oh Darrel! You're so strong!" (Which now that I think about it sounds pretty... bad.) Robert passed by the bathroom to enter his room just as I made that statement, which probably made him mad. But before I could do anything a camp counselor came into the bathroom with buckets and said, "Well, I guess we ought to prepare everyone for what's about to happen." She opened the door that connected the bathroom to Robert's room and placed a bucket between the door and the wall; she continued to do this with all doors at the camp.
I walked by Robert's room hoping that he wasn't upset with what he saw and that maybe he would believe me when I explained what happened... which still seemed pretty bad even though Robert wasn't talking to me. When I peered in he and Santana we just laying in bed because they had gotten in trouble for making their watches spell the word dick, so as a punishment they were ordered to go to bed at two o'clock.
I went into the kitchen to waste some time and to help Mankie with what ever she needed. I didn't end up doing much so I decided to head back to my room and as soon as I reached for the handle of my door, Robert beckoned me to see him. I took a seat on the floor and Robert opened up a notebook that he made and began a story.
Page by page he went through our whole history up until this point. At the last page was a drawing of five people, three of them were colored red and two of them were only red outlines. He pointed at the picture and said, "...and then you had to go and do this. Why would you do this to me?" I tried explaining what had happened with Darrell but he refused to listen. I grabbed a pair of scissors and held them at my shoulder, then I woke up in that position.
It was pretty scary because I have no idea what I planned to do with those scissors. But the dream made me feel like it was the end of the line for Robert and I, which I don't believe. I think the dream was just a mash up of everything that my co-workers were telling me last night.
The thing that stuck with me most was what Candace said, which was, "You would think that people get closer together during the holidays but actually, since the year is coming to an end they reflect on the past year and what could have been."
My theory on getting over people is that you find someone else who makes you want to get over the person you were with before, but that's just my opinion. It could be different for everyone else, I don't know. I just hope that I'm worth getting over Nancy because I don't want anyone else but Robert. In which case, I hope my disappearing act makes things better before he's supposed to come visit.
P.S. I hope you enjoyed the pun of a blog title there.
(:
Friday, December 2, 2011
Angry dreams
I had two really vivid dreams last night both made me wake up angry. Here they are:
Dream 1:
I guess my mom, her should-be-boyfriend; Nick, Alex; one of my co-workers, and I were all shopping for Christmas. My mom and Nick were sitting on her car when she told me, "Mija, go to that pet store. They have buy one get one on dog and cat stuff."
Alex and I made our way into the pet shop when this guy who worked there came up to me and took me away from Alex with his words. He was trying to help me find whatever it was that I was looking for and hitting on me as well. I only knew this because one of the female cashiers said something rude to me as we passed.
I felt really bad for this pet shop worker because I had to leave our conversation, I needed to pee awfully bad. I asked him to direct me to the restrooms and as soon has he had, I fled to over to the door of the women's.
Before I could enter, I had to figure out how to use the machine that was there. (I don't really know how to explain it, so excuse me if it sounds ridiculous.) It was a gray box that had a section where you could insert money, both coins and bills, and a tiny screen that showed the price you were supposed to pay, which was also refunded to you, but the catch was that the numbers on the screen were constantly moving. (For example, you know when you put gas in you vehicle the cents change a lot faster than the dollars? Well it's the same concept except the machine in my dream would reach $50.00 and go all the way down to $0.01, all at extremely fast speeds.)
I had no change so I couldn't pay for the restroom myself, I needed to find Alex. I didn't want to leave where I was so I just yelled for her until she showed up. This guy came up to me and showed me how to get the machine to run slower for a little bit. What I had to do was jam the reset button and the numbers would move at a rate of two numbers per second, which was a lot slower than it had been moving before. Alex quickly handed me a dollar bill and some change and as I opened the door in my dream, I woke up and ran to the bathroom.
Dream 2:
I was at IHOP, working as usual when I was approached by this shady looking guy. He handed me a suitcase, presumably filled with money, and told me to take it to an address and ask for some lady. I held the suitcase back out to the man and said, "No, I'm working." "Just take the damn suitcase," the man said as he shoved it back to me, "and go now. She's waiting for you."
I left work without a word and went to find my brother, Michael. He happened to be at a sex shop trying to by a coffee pot. When I saw Michael, I advised him not to by the coffee pot that looks like the orange carafes that we use at IHOP, seeing as I might accidentally take it to work. He ended up not buying a coffee pot after all, and as we were leaving he said, "come on Joey." I turned around and to my surprise, there stood Joey. We avoided making eye contact or any contact for the time that we would have to be together.
The three of us get into Michael's car and I explained to them the situation that I've been placed in the middle of, so Michael decided that we should go together to the lady's place so nothing would happen to us.
Once we arrived, I went to the door and asked for the lady just as the man had told me to. The door opened and a voice beckoned us to enter, shortly after we enter the door slammed shut. We walked through a long hallway before we came to a room where the lady was sitting on her bed with another woman. The other woman took Joey into another room just as I was handing the suitcase to the lady.
I jerked the suitcase from the skeletal hands of the lady and demanded that she bring Joey back here. (Joey and I are not on good terms but I sure as hell wasn't going to let him die because of me.) "The suitcase or your life," she said, almost as if it was a command but I still held fast to the suitcase, and Michael ran into the room that the other woman took Joey.
The other woman walked out with not a shred of clothing on and no sign of Michael or Joey. She climbed atop the bed and crawled over to the lady and whispered something in her ear. The lady promptly left and the other woman began talking. "He asked me to do bad things to him, you know," she began, giggling in spite of herself. I stood there, speechless, and gave her a roll of my eyes. "That little Joey of yours is a feisty one, it took a while for him to want me, but when he did... he just could. Not. Stop." I still remained as quiet as ever because this other woman should know that there was no such thing as a Joey of mine. I didn't know what she was trying to do by telling me these things, but it wasn't working.
She continued to say the most provocative things about her and Joey, making motions and gestures, even sounds. I was getting fed up with her nonsense. It wasn't the fact that she had something with Joey that got me angry, but rather, that she was sitting there in her nakedness and bragging about the things she had done with the person who, at one point, was my future.
Furious, I ran at her and beat her relentlessly. I yanked the stupid blue and orange extensions from her hair and repeatedly popped her in the face. She was laughing, she was fucking laughing! How could I beat her to a pulp and she still mock me? It wasn't right but, of course, none of this was. The dream ended with me continuously punching her as she laughed at me. She won and she knew it, but I wasn't going to give up...
Dream 1:
I guess my mom, her should-be-boyfriend; Nick, Alex; one of my co-workers, and I were all shopping for Christmas. My mom and Nick were sitting on her car when she told me, "Mija, go to that pet store. They have buy one get one on dog and cat stuff."
Alex and I made our way into the pet shop when this guy who worked there came up to me and took me away from Alex with his words. He was trying to help me find whatever it was that I was looking for and hitting on me as well. I only knew this because one of the female cashiers said something rude to me as we passed.
I felt really bad for this pet shop worker because I had to leave our conversation, I needed to pee awfully bad. I asked him to direct me to the restrooms and as soon has he had, I fled to over to the door of the women's.
Before I could enter, I had to figure out how to use the machine that was there. (I don't really know how to explain it, so excuse me if it sounds ridiculous.) It was a gray box that had a section where you could insert money, both coins and bills, and a tiny screen that showed the price you were supposed to pay, which was also refunded to you, but the catch was that the numbers on the screen were constantly moving. (For example, you know when you put gas in you vehicle the cents change a lot faster than the dollars? Well it's the same concept except the machine in my dream would reach $50.00 and go all the way down to $0.01, all at extremely fast speeds.)
I had no change so I couldn't pay for the restroom myself, I needed to find Alex. I didn't want to leave where I was so I just yelled for her until she showed up. This guy came up to me and showed me how to get the machine to run slower for a little bit. What I had to do was jam the reset button and the numbers would move at a rate of two numbers per second, which was a lot slower than it had been moving before. Alex quickly handed me a dollar bill and some change and as I opened the door in my dream, I woke up and ran to the bathroom.
Dream 2:
I was at IHOP, working as usual when I was approached by this shady looking guy. He handed me a suitcase, presumably filled with money, and told me to take it to an address and ask for some lady. I held the suitcase back out to the man and said, "No, I'm working." "Just take the damn suitcase," the man said as he shoved it back to me, "and go now. She's waiting for you."
I left work without a word and went to find my brother, Michael. He happened to be at a sex shop trying to by a coffee pot. When I saw Michael, I advised him not to by the coffee pot that looks like the orange carafes that we use at IHOP, seeing as I might accidentally take it to work. He ended up not buying a coffee pot after all, and as we were leaving he said, "come on Joey." I turned around and to my surprise, there stood Joey. We avoided making eye contact or any contact for the time that we would have to be together.
The three of us get into Michael's car and I explained to them the situation that I've been placed in the middle of, so Michael decided that we should go together to the lady's place so nothing would happen to us.
Once we arrived, I went to the door and asked for the lady just as the man had told me to. The door opened and a voice beckoned us to enter, shortly after we enter the door slammed shut. We walked through a long hallway before we came to a room where the lady was sitting on her bed with another woman. The other woman took Joey into another room just as I was handing the suitcase to the lady.
I jerked the suitcase from the skeletal hands of the lady and demanded that she bring Joey back here. (Joey and I are not on good terms but I sure as hell wasn't going to let him die because of me.) "The suitcase or your life," she said, almost as if it was a command but I still held fast to the suitcase, and Michael ran into the room that the other woman took Joey.
The other woman walked out with not a shred of clothing on and no sign of Michael or Joey. She climbed atop the bed and crawled over to the lady and whispered something in her ear. The lady promptly left and the other woman began talking. "He asked me to do bad things to him, you know," she began, giggling in spite of herself. I stood there, speechless, and gave her a roll of my eyes. "That little Joey of yours is a feisty one, it took a while for him to want me, but when he did... he just could. Not. Stop." I still remained as quiet as ever because this other woman should know that there was no such thing as a Joey of mine. I didn't know what she was trying to do by telling me these things, but it wasn't working.
She continued to say the most provocative things about her and Joey, making motions and gestures, even sounds. I was getting fed up with her nonsense. It wasn't the fact that she had something with Joey that got me angry, but rather, that she was sitting there in her nakedness and bragging about the things she had done with the person who, at one point, was my future.
Furious, I ran at her and beat her relentlessly. I yanked the stupid blue and orange extensions from her hair and repeatedly popped her in the face. She was laughing, she was fucking laughing! How could I beat her to a pulp and she still mock me? It wasn't right but, of course, none of this was. The dream ended with me continuously punching her as she laughed at me. She won and she knew it, but I wasn't going to give up...
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