"Christmas"

     I've been thinking about so much lately; my life currently, my life in six months, my life in a year, the people in my life, the events to come, and so on and so forth. I'm sure you get the gist, but most of my thoughts today were about what I want and what I have, and what I can do to assure that I have both.
     You see, I think of myself as an anxious child, forever awaiting Christmas day even though it's only mid-July. I know what it is I want and I've already had a glimpse of my gifts, but I can't do anything more. I cannot open my toys let alone play with them; so what am I to do? Well, there is only one thing I can do---wait.
     Ah, but if it were that easy! If I wasn't such a selfish child on the inside, I could easily wait for years but I'm not. I'm impatient and selfish because I want to have what I want to have, because I need what I need. And yet, I can wait despite myself. The only thing that will keep me between what I want is myself, and I must prevent that.
     I want my HappilyEverMerryChristmasNewYear. I have to wait just a little while longer to open those gifts and pretend to be surprised. Six months isn't a long time to wait and I'm sure I can wait it. I just need a load of self-discipline and motivation. I'll be the child that decides to eat three pieces of Halloween candies a day rather than the whole bag.

     Cheers to patience and love for the child within me. I will not suffer the stomach ache of my neighbor.

Disheartened sofa

     I got off work last night and walked into the house that resides in my heart. I was surprised to find everything in such disarray, and you were nowhere to be found. I sat alone and wondered when you would be back, if you would be back. I was a mess and I needed you, for then and forever. My tears were fierce and my sobs long and sorrowful. "He's not returning," I thought to myself just before I passed into a dreadful slumber.
     "Ding dong," the doorbell yelled and startled me awake. I rubbed my eyes, walked to the door, and could see your body through the peephole. I opened the door slightly, tears streaming down my face. "I'm sorry," you said with a half grin and a shrug. I pushed the door far enough to let you in and then we made our way to the sofa.
     "Why did you take your things without so much as a goodbye? What did I do?" I asked frantically trying to makes heads or tails of our situation. "I left because... because I didn't want to be left," he blushed in embarrassment of his own words, "I sort of... beat you to the punch." My forehead wrinkled as I looked at him, puzzled. "What do you mean? I don't want you to leave. I don't want you to leave, ever."
     He took my hand in his and said, "I just need a little bit of time, at least."
     "Promise me you'll come back," I pleaded.
     "I love you. I promise."
     He gathered what little was left of his belongings and made his way out of the home inside my heart. From a nearby window, I watched him get into his van and drive away; all the while reassuring myself that he would return soon enough.
     Tonight, I'm here on the sofa again.

Bowling

     So as you can see, my idea to turn that extremely long skirt into a mini-dress was a success! I think it really suits me and is now a pretty piece of clothing rather than a tacky eyesore! (Although my watch doesn't really match, lol.) I want to wear it already but I don't know when it'll be warm enough to sport it without freezing, or  what shoes to wear and other related items. I'll probably post another photograph when I do decide what to go with it.
     Anyhow, today has been another successful day. I've learned so much about myself, like that I tend to enlighten people and make them happy because my happiness is contagious; which in turn, makes me even more happy! :3 It's like a vicious cycle of awesome-tastic happiness! I made great tips for it being a Wednesday night and even did some shopping after work. I finally bought this purse that I've been dying to have, which says a ton because I am not a purse girl. I've had the same mini-backpack for about six years and we've been through a lot together; shows, Warped Tour, middle school, high school, life in general... mannnn!
     The ball of life is rolling down the center of the lane for me right now; I'm real close to hitting all of those pins. We'll find out if I get a strike by next fall, when I *hopefully* go to school at the Southwest University of Visual Arts in Tuscon, Arizona.

Ohsojolly

     I don't know what it has been about today, but I'm in a great mood. I spent today mostly alone, baking cookies to prepare for when the family comes for Christmas. I also went shopping at Goodwill and got pair of shoes, a skirt (that I'm gonna use as a dress and will post photos of), and a shirt that reminded me of Kasey. My last stop before returning to my grandparents' was Target. At Target, I purchased the gag gift for Papa and Heather, some busybones for Wrigey and Lillyperl, a beanie for John, some more sprinkles for sugar cookies, and some leggings for myself. I really wanted to buy this bag, but I decided to wait until tomorrow, after work.

     I guess I'm feeling all jolly and christmasy already.(: My grandparents and I just finished watching The Velveteen Rabbit, which is an amazing movie! If you haven't seen it, I recommend it. It's actually based off a book so you know it's going on my reading list.(: I'm so excited for this Christmas even though I'm obligated to work, I'm finally going to be able enjoy the company of most of the family; it'll be Emry's first Christmas as well! (She's my cousin Desiree's little girl.) I wish my jolliness was more contagious because my mom really needs to feel it. I mean, even though we don't agree on most things, she shouldn't make me feel bad for wanting to get her a Christmas gift. Her words were, "Don't get me anything for Christmas because I don't have money to get you something in return." Which I think is not in the spirit of the holidays, and anyway, it's not like she gets me anything when I'm away lol. I've accepted it.(x

     Also in jolly news, I have a date on Sunday! Interesting, right? Just another one of life's twists! I don't really know the guy except that he was a customer at ihop that I gave my number, but he's cute and funny so that's a start lol. This, of course, doesn't mean that I don't love Robert and such. It's just one of those things, ya know? We'll see how everything pans out.(:

     One final thing, the blog tittle is a play on words... sort of. Ha ha. Because in Spanish oso (oh-so) means bear. So there you have it.(x  Oh, I lied; two things. I've been having really intense dreams that are like "whhhaaaaa???" Maybe I'll blog about them later. Goodnight and happy holidays!~

I don't even know what to title this

     I gave myself sometime and I'm no longer angry at the female gender. I just feel like I'm staring at my reflection in a puddle, not enjoying what I see. I get frustrated with myself and stomp in the puddle, only to get myself all dirty and hate myself more. I don't really know what I'm doing, with anything. I work, I eat, I sleep, I visit Mankie... Rinse and repeat. That's my life in a nutshell, but things are so much more complicated than that.
     I have a lot of people on my mind and something almost always seems to go wrong when I'm happy. I'm beginning to feel like I've betrayed myself and become the "other girl" once more, but I was unaware this time around. I hope that's not the case but I feel like I fall second to... well everyone. I'm no one's girlfriend and I don't really feel like I'm anyone's friend here... Kasey's like the only person who feels the same way about me as I feel about her. It's not like it used to be though. Everything changes, regardless of whether we want it to or not.
     I guess I've just been fishing in a fish-less pond, it's no wonder that I've lost a few hooks and caught nothing. I guess I ought to find a better pond, huh? But I'm too stupid to leave, I'm too happy with my unhappiness... if that makes sense.

It's how I feel.