Love machines

Here is a montage of my thoughts of now, in no particular order.


You think not telling is not lying. I'm slowly eating myself away. I don't want to sleep, I want to stay up and read. I need to read Wallflowers. September 27th, 2010. There is good in us all.<3 Everything prior to September 1st, 2011. I don't really understand what I'm all broken up about. You are so charasmatic and I... so socially awkward. Chapter one of Book Two of This Side of Paradise, made me cry. "We're both opposite numbers." I like the look of my messy room. I wonder if we're the same person. Next mission, the lass from Hot Topic. I could read a thousand lines about Amory Blaine knowing that every word I read was written about you.
Remember to remember but don't forget to forget. Regardless of what they think, they aren't living your life.
I guess I should retire to sleep...

...after I finish this book.

(:

"Because selfish people are in a way terribly capable of great loves."

-Amory Blaine, This Side Of Paradise

Read my sorrows away

     I'm really selfish but I still do nice things for other people, that's beside the point.
     Today was pretty good. I participated in a field trip that took some random students of Salem High School to a courthouse and a jail. It was a fairly interesting trip and I will never for get the convicted felon/ trustee that spoke with us. I don't remember his name but his wife just had thier baby boy on September 27th. His son only gets to see his dad on the video visitation that is provided by the jail, which I find tragic. The guy really seems like a nice guy who was just trying to make it in the world... but I digress.
     I felt pretty useless during the latter part of the day, though. I feel like I opened up just to get shut down. It's not really a big deal but I don't really know how to explain how I feel. I knew that this was going to happen but just not this soon. I talked to Charmander today and he listened.
     It's like I'm in a slump that I can't get over, like there's an impassable hill and all I want to do is climb it... but my knees are too weak. And I try to "motivate" myself by telling me that I can get over the hill, when in reality I can't. Or maybe I won't let myself. Either way, that hill is there. It makes me so upset that I can't do the things I want because of the way I let things affect me. I mean seriously, look at me! I'm such a mess... Well I'm not so sure you can see it as much as me but it's true. I'm just a person wrapped up in emotion and distress. And on top of that is a thin layer of plastic wrap labeled happiness. It covers every inch of me but is so easily pierced, so easily damaged. I guess they were right when they called me 'fragile' in middle school...
     This has just shown me how terribly I handle myself and the predicments I get into. And how selfish I am with the things I expect of the people I surround myself with. I think I need something new, I think I need a change. I'm breaking my own heart and it's a shame. I'm going to go bury my head in This Side of Paradise.

I don't want what you pretend to give

     You make me mad with the things you say, the things you do. "I can't stay mad at you," you state with a half-smile. You shrug and ask, "Is that bad?" I look at you in disgust but I say nothing. "I just can't stay mad at you." I look away and stare at the sun kissing the hills. "You have no reason to ever be mad at me," I think to myself, "not a goddamn reason. And yet, it seems like every blink of my eyes is an insult to you."
     "It's just how I am," you reply when I point out that you get mad at nothing. I shake my head because no one is naturally an ass like you are.
     When I see you I think of yelling "No quiero tener nada contigo!" Most of the time I don't even want to be your friend because you're not a friend. You're someone I talk to frequently; but most definitely not a friend. I look out my window to yell 'hey' at you and your response is to scream obscenities at the top of your lungs because, as you say often, "you would leave!"
     Yes, I left. I left because I was doing nothing, I left because I don't want to waste all my time doing nothing with you. I don't want to spend time tolerating you. I don't want to see that shitty puppy dog face you use to beg me to let you hurt me. I don't want you, at all. I don't care anymore, I just don't want you. And even though you "can't stay mad" at me, I can. I can stay mad at you for all the stupid things you've done and continue to do. You act so big and bad but you're nothing but a pathetic child. You don't love me and I don't want you to; I want you to stop this charade. Stop pretending that there is something there because obviously, there is not.
     I know what you want and I need you to listen to me, for once. I do not want the things you want. I do not love you and I will not love you. If you want to be my friend then quit acting like a merciless child and grow the fuck up. I hope you read this and understand completely or that you listen to the words that come out of my mouth when I tell you, over and over again. This needs to be the end.

The Queen of Hearts (Poem)

I don't have a lot fill you in on. I've been sick and I've done things of little importance since my last post. Here's something I wrote.


Queen of Hearts

As opposed to the other queens of the deck, the Queen of Hearts is the worst. You see, the Queen of Spades is just one of your everyday gardeners; plants are really her forte.While the Queen of Diamonds on the other hand, is just a woman who wishes to own the most lavish and elegant jewerly. Leaving the Queen of Clubs to playing golf and other organized activites. At long last we get to the worst of them all, the Queen of Hearts. She loves to play with the hearts of all her people. She lures in the men with lust, the women with riches, and the children with sweets and toys. She makes them comit thier love to her and only her. Then the Queen of Hearts tells them all her beautiful, seemingly innocent lies. They eat it up like maggots on a dead body... And just when they give her thier souls, she devours into them and leaves the body and mind to wander until it realizes what occured. They're always lost. They're always asking for the queen that they love so much. They try to warn others, but no one can resist the Queen of Hearts. Why else do you think the King of Hearts is still by her side?

(6.10.2009)

Clinging to fear

     The sweat drenched people surrounded me, no they engulfed and suffocated me. Their large forms took my tiny body hostage. I was getting so battered and brusied that my stomach was cleaching in pain. I felt the strong need to vomit so I forced my way out of what seemed to be a never ending sea of hot, moving human bodies. There I stood, looming over the toliet, awaiting that painful moment when my last meal would greet me. I started to hyperventilate and my fingers froze stiff, I didn't know what was happening to me. "You need to go to the hospital," she said. I cried and I begged and pleaded not to go, that I was okay. I blacked out, everything was okay.
     "We need to talk..." he began, with a tone of seriousness that I was quite unfamilar with.
     "I'm listening to you, begin when you're ready."
     "I can't be part of your life anymore, not with the way things are going."
     "What are you talking about?! You can't just leave my life, it's not that easy."
     "Anything can be made easy. It just has to be done."
     "You don't have to do this! We can be friends, we always have been."
     "No, it's what's best for you. And it seems like you don't really care anymore."
     I thought to myself, "Would I be standing out here in this terribly cold weather if I didn't care?" But instead I said, "I do care. How can I not care?"
     He sighed, "Look you don't have to worry about me, I'm going to be gone. Out. Of. Your. Life."
     "How am I not going to worry about you?" I stammered, warm tears flowing gently down my face, "I won't see you now, not more than a glance. I won't know what you're up to or anything... How could this make me worry any less? If anything it'll make me worry more."
     I watched the tears form at his bottom eyelash, but he didn't let them proceed any further. "What do you want me to do?"
     "Be my friend... Don't just leave my life."
     "We both know I can't do that. How will I be able to resist the urge to hold you, to be with you? Anyway you have something good going for you. I don't want to be that one slip up."
     "Just..."
     "Just what?!"
     "Stay."
     But you don't stay, you walk away into the cold night and I retire into my home. I cry into my dinner and fear that there's nothing left, that there will never be anything ever. And you're going to forget about me like I've always told you you would. I'm going to sit on my soap box and mourn for you even though you're so close I could touch you.
     How does this end? Where is the "dude" at the end of our converation? I guess there isn't one, but I can hope there is, can't I?