Lack of focus

     It was difficult to wrap my mind around work last night because I've been so consumed by the most recent dream I had. The dream was long and I don't care to get into any detail about it, but the thing that made the dream so terrible is that it reflected my real life fear.
     I'm afraid that someone will fall in love with me, not because they want to but rather, because the person who was their initial object of their affections cannot or will not love them.
     It hurts to feel like I'll never be more than second best to anyone, even in my dreams. That the person to whom I devote my time and efforts to would prefer to have someone other than me, to feel like my love is just a fallback plan...
     I woke up, still screaming and crying about how I couldn't handle it. How I couldn't stand to be number one if there was a number two. How I couldn't bear to hold anyone back from who they really wanted to be with.
     I'm terrified of having no one beside me...

But then here I am, alone.

I've got battle scars

     You can only keep fighting for so long until you lose. And now that I've been on the ground kicking, for seems like a second lifetime, it's time for me to give it a rest.
     We're taught to never give-up... But sometimes you gotta have sense enough to live. It was a good fight but some battles aren't meant to be won.
     I'll always care about the people I fought so hard to keep around. Though in the end the battle wasn't lost because I didn't try, it was lost because I was too concerned with trying to protect he who I was fighting.

My only viable option is to heal my wounds and carry on.

♥

Words exchanged

     This was was "bye." Not even "goodbye." I don't even know how to put my thoughts into words. I'm sorry for this pitiful post.

An elderly mind

     As I was driving home from work today, I came to the conclusion that my mind is old. I mean, I've come to this conclusion before but this time the thought persisted. Enough to make me want to blog about it. I was subconsciously taking note of how I respond to people in certain situations, specifically of the love/like category, and I felt like my responses were somewhat inappropriate for one of my position.
     For example, a co-worker of mine has a crush on me. While helping this co-worker clean another co-worker's table, a little boy passed by, waved, and thanked me. After the boy left, I stated that, "Little kids are the cutest things ever." So the co-worker with the crush said, "I could say the same thing about you." I know he meant that in the sweetest way possible but my mind perceived it as humorous. It was as if I was this woman, so much older than he, listening to a teenage boy's attempt to compliment the prettiest girl in class.
     This whole "elderly mind" thing is pretty funny though, given that I'm blessed (or cursed) with the structure of what many believe to be a twelve-year-old girl. A mind so old in a body so young... It must be mockery of some sort! For what happens when my mind passes? Am I left? Or am I just a beautiful shell, left to rot? Or does the state of my mind determine the fate of my body? Quite possibly, it is the other way around.

Regardless, I am Passíon and will remain as such until my mind grows too weary to carry on.

The best advice

     I was back tracking on my blog posts and came across this post. It's amazing how relevant it is to my life right now and amazing how so much has changed again. I am no longer in the state of bliss that I have been for the past two weeks. Somethings are too good to be true, like the relationship I had with Robert.
     I feel like this happened for a reason, though. Like there's some major life lesson that I haven't learned within the past three years. I refuse to become one of those people who ask, "why does this always happen to me?" Because the answer is within myself, and within my actions.
     I am going to take the best advice I've received, the advice I gave myself back in February. I'm going to do things differently than I have in the past three years because it is obvious that it's not working, nor has it ever worked. And as much as I'd love to just sink back in, fight, and hold hope for what I thought I had, I can't. I can't keep holding myself back from what the universe has in store for me because of how much I care about someone, how much I love someone.

Letting go is never easy,

but I know it's what I have to do.

I love you.

Bye.