It's strange. Everything felt like a dream to begin with just to turn sour in the end. You surprised me. I didn't know what to think. Things started to flow like corn syrup from a jar: smooth yet thick. One day. Just one day. And that corn syrup got all over the floor and made a huge sticky mess. A mess with purpose, though. But it seems everything is misinterpreted, as always.
To my father, I am headed down the path of being seventeen and pregnant. He thinks that after I graduate or whatever, that I'm gonna get pregnant and do nothing with my life. I have no ambitions, but to be a mother, and I highly doubt I have the capabilities to do that. Not necessarily that I won't be a good mom but more like my body wouldn't be able to handle it. I think of that a lot, but that's for another day. I've been trying to tell my father that I don't want to go to college and that I don't want to join the military but "doing nothing" is not an option. He says I'm setting the bar too low and that I need to form some expectations for myself. I do have an expectation: I expect myself to graduate from high school, no GED or whatever, but a full on high school diploma. After that I don't know what I'm gonna do, I just know that I'm not stupid. I will do something when I'm ready; but right now, I'm not. I'm tired of everyone pressuring me to make something of myself when I there is nothing more I want to do than work at Target. I'm sorry that it's not enough for you, father. I'm sorry I'm not your perfect, educated son. I'm sorry I'm not who you want me to be. I'm just your fuck-up of a daughter.
Besides being, no wait, I'm a fuck-up to pretty much everyone. Yep. Sorry world, I'm not a functional member of society. Maybe after I graduate I'll lose contact with the vast majority of the people that care, how does that sound? I'll end like Chris McCandless: dead somewhere in the middle of Alaska. Mhm, and I hope you think great of me then. I hope by then that I will have made you proud. All of you.
Too bad I care too much to let myself die and lose contact with you, even if all I do is disappoint you. I care a lot. Too much for my own good. But on the bright side, I fixed the bracelet. I wish that when I go to sleep I will awaken from this nightmarish dream, and if I do, I'll remember to tell you to stay. Please stay, I'm more trouble than I'm ever worth. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry everyone.
