Oh, the places you'll go

     Some days I just sit around thinking about how things could have been different, depending on my location. For instance, if I had moved to Virginia with my dad back in 2008,  if I would have gone back to Texas last summer, if we had moved back to Japan in 2002... things would have been impossibly different. So different, in fact, that I cannot even begin to fathom where I would be in this exact instance.

     The people who are in my life currently would have just been faces amongst the crowds of faces I see everyday, everywhere. It tears me apart to think of losing any of the people I hold so dear to me, but even more so to think that there could have been a possibility that I never met any of them in the first place. But I've come to the realization that if I had been different places in my life I wouldn't even notice the lack the people who are in my life now. I wouldn't have known them like I know them now, I probably would have had other people in place of them... It's an awful thought but it has always been a possibility, and will continue to be as long as decisions will have to be made.

      Then comes the matter of who I would be, would I be the same lovely little Passíon that I know today? With all I've gone through, I can answer with a  a definite "no." If my circumstances had been different, my experiences and life lessons would have be extremely different. I don't think that I would have had identical situations as I have had in this path that I've chosen; they might have been similar but I wouldn't have learned things the way I have up to this point in my life.
     Basically, I wouldn't have my life any other way because I love the people who take part in my life, I love the places I've been, the person I am, the ambitions I hold. There will be difficult decision to make throughout life but we can only choose, and hope we chose right.

Just remember to make your mark;

no regrets.

<3

Today, I tried

     I'm down to my last few days of my vacation in Texas, and tonight was the first night that we ate dinner at the table. My mother made this amazing vegetarian curry to cater the needs of my dear little Kasey, as she is visiting me while I am visiting in Texas (heehee).
    Nick---my mother's good friend and should-be-boyfriend---Kasey, my mother, and I all sat at the dinner table as we ate. (It was Nick's idea and I thank him for it.) Nick asked Kasey about when her parents split up and that ended up leading to my own parents' divorce. I was containing my words when Nick encouraged me to tell my mother what I was hiding, so I commenced.
     "What bothered me," I started, "was that you made Papa seem like an evil person." She got mad claimed that she had never said anything about my father in a negative manner which, of course, was a lie. I tried to explain it to her but she just continued to get louder and angrier, missing the whole point of me opening up to her.
     "Nevermind, I'm done with this conversation mom," I said as I finished eating my food. "Yeah, me too," she said in a furious agreement just before she ran off to smoke a cigarette. I put the dishes away then came up to the room to get online; which is why I'm here now, telling you about my dinner.
     Nick has good intentions but he just doesn't understand that I cannot have an honest, open relationship with my mother. (Not that I wouldn't want one...) It just will not work because she won't ever listen to a word I say. If I say something to express how I feel, she'll get overly defensive; almost as if I were attacking her with words. I don't know if this defense mechanism is because she wants to feel like she's a good mother or whatever, but if she would just listen things could be better.
     Today, I tried to open up and have an honest conversation with my mother, but that didn't happen. And it won't. Ever.

There's nothing more to us than the fact that we share genes.

/:

November on repeat

     I keep trying to put these past few days into words but honestly, there are none good enough. It's weird because I want to make this a story---but I can't. It's not a story until there is an ending and I don't see an end coming anytime in the near or distant future...

     I started this blog post exactly one week and a day ago and I still can't figure out a way to put my New Mexico visit into words. Here's all I can give you.

Goal updates 2!

Goal #30: Graduate high school

Salem High School graduate of 2011.

 No looking back!

(:

Goal #69: Model (again)

So this happened quite a while ago, but photos never came so I'll give you what I have.(:

 First off, you should know that the people at Salon Mosaic are amazing stylists! These wigs are their creation and I felt the need to express my complete and utter satisfaction with them. And yes, that is a link to their facebook page... they're just that good! If you're in the Virginia Beach area and need a new do... GO TO SALON MOSAIC!

<3

Before...

Phase One!

Complete, with red.

Gothic stripper? 

xD

We became Barbie dolls, I of the skeletal type.

Goal #14: Take up photography

 Abandoned asylum.

 Stella&Ricardo

<3

 Beauty under bridges

 This kid! 

:D

Fin.

Far from an ordinary thought process

     I'm in a mood where I feel unnoticed and under-appreciated. It's my own spewed state of mind but it's at that state nonetheless. I feel like I need to get on top of a tall building and shout my name to passersby. I feel like I'm being silenced even though I have it in me to speak. But that's why I'm here---to lift the silence, to share with you the mazes inside my mind, to show you how I think.
     When something is wrong or "off" in my world, I expect the ocean to become calm and listen to me. I expect wars to cease and kings to pay their dues. When I'm not myself nothing else should be itself. It's selfish, I know, but it's the way I am. If you are one of those kings or if you are my ocean, I expect you to listen to my stupidity. Maybe I don't want your advice, maybe I do; but either way, I have put the burden of importance on you. When I need you, I really fucking need you. I can't stand to be second to anything, especially when things aren't in their places...
     But you have to understand that this is not because I place myself higher than anyone else. I don't have these ridiculously high expectations because I'm better than everyone, I have these expectations because I hope that I am someone's ocean. I expect the world and back because I would give the world and back.
     Though I suppose I shouldn't expect so much because I tend to find myself alone. Yet, that is my doing as well. I kind of square myself off and expect my important people to feel that something is wrong; like everyone's "Passíon senses" should be tingling. Okay, maybe not that dramatic, ha ha.
     You understand where I am going with this, yes? If not, I'm basically getting to the roots of my thinking. The main thought when I'm in a lowly mood, such as this, is that everyone who I find important should care that something is bothering me. It's just because I care a lot about my important people, and I hope they will be there for me like I am always there for them.

If I love you,

take care to love me back.

(:

Dear mother,

     I don't think you'll ever get the hang of this job. No not your job at BAMC or your job at the bar; I'm talking about you job as a mother. You don't know what it means to be a mother. I mean, yes you've gone through the pain of child birth and raising my brother and myself as little ones, but once we were old enough to live on our own you took advantage of that. When I say "old enough to live on our own" I meant at the age that we could talk well enough, make our own food in the microwave, and knew that we had each other to count on.
     In the third grade I had a cell phone when no one else did, do you remember why? It was so I would always have a way to contact you; from the times Michael and I played outside to the times you'd go out and party so late. I can't believe I grew up thinking that it was normal to be left at home like that. How old was I mom? I think I was seven or eight which means Michael must have been ten or eleven. That's the prime time for you to leave your kids at home alone, right? So you teach them that it's completely normal and they just go a long with it.
     I remember a few years after we moved back to Texas. I had been at Tania's house and they had dinner at six. It felt weird to be there because I never had dinner before 8 o'clock. Dinner was whenever you got home. If you decided to cook, it was even later.
     I look back at our life and cannot even imagine how it was to be with you and Papa. I can't imagine you guys ever sharing a kiss or a hug or even a friendly embrace that was not a complete facade...
     But basically what I'm getting at, mom, is that you haven't been a mother to me in so long. You've been an adult friend who acted like a parent when something went wrong. You have been there to provide me a shelter and options of food. You make fun of me and mock me like it doesn't affect me but you're just a bully. You're controlling and manipulative, cunning yet idiotic, and most notably---money hungry.
     I'm not a check that you can use for your silly business transactions, I'm a person; your daughter even. I deserve more respect than you give and because you decline to give me that, I hate you. I loathe you and your stupid decisions...
     But you're always my mother, and for that I love you.

Sincerely,

Passíon Leon