Double Christmas trees, life, and apologies

Pawlie enjoying Christmas

     We'll start off with the apologies. I'm really sorry about not blogging, to both you, the follower, and myself. My mother hid the cord to the desktop and my brother hid my laptop and I don't really like blogging from my phone... so I sincerely apologize! I really have a lot to tell you all so bear with what should be a long post.(:
     Christmas was great! My cousins came down from Dallas; it was nice to have everyone together again for Christmas since it had been quite some time. I didn't get much for Christmas and I don't mind that at all, I was just happy that I could give to everyone and make their Christmas even better. Speaking of Christmas, you might be wondering what I mean by double Christmas trees! Please allow me to explain!
     A few days before Christmas, Mankie, my brother, and I went Christmas tree shopping. We couldn't find any trees, at all. It was a real disappointment until we left Walmart and passed by a tree tent. Excited, we turned around as soon as possible and went into the tree tent. It was a little bit of a downer because when we got inside all they had were four and five foot trees. The three of us thought long about it and, after a game of rock, paper, scissors between my brother and myself, we chose a five foot tree which was a little spare at the top. (I picked the tree.) We took it to Mankie's, my brother left, and Mankie and I set up the tree in the family room. Mankie wanted a bigger tree but a small tree was better than no tree at all. Eventually I left to go hang out with my friends Brandon, Sid, Cali, and Mike and that's when the double tree happened.

     We ate out at a pretty nice Chinese buffet then made our way to the Quarry shopping center because Mike needed to buy my Christmas presents. After we began to head out, I noticed another tree tent and promptly called Mankie. She said that Grampy wouldn't want to pay for another tree so I offered to buy one myself. It was really exciting, buying my very first Christmas tree and giving the little one to Brandon, Sid, and Cali. Mankie offered to reimburse me the forty dollars that I spent to buy the tree but I declined, it was purchased in the spirit of Christmas. Then next day we set it up and decorated it but we forgot to put a star on top. xD I know that picture over there isn't that good, but the tree was beautiful and there were so many presents under the tree that it felt like I was five again. I'll probably post more pictures from my mom's camera in another post so you all can see how great my Christmas was. But even before Christmas we had a odd situation in which we had another dog!

     Grampy named her Snowy. My grandparents found her running in between cars at the beginning of the street that they live on. At first, they weren't going to keep her but she just wanted to come home with them. Mankie to her to get vaccinated the next day and they took care of her as though she was their own. I was asked to take a photo of her in case she had an owner who wanted her back. (That's her over there to the right.) But before I could make any flyers, my brother had already found her owner one Craig's List and contacted him so that he could pick her up. Her real name is Chaine (Shy-ann) and she's a fourteen year old dog with a hearing problem. I was told that when her owner came to pick her up he was crying and very happy to have her back. Mankie was a little hesitant to let her go but she knew that if Suni had been found she would want him back, so Snowy was back home in no time. I hope that she's doing well and happy to be back with her owner.(:

     Besides all of that, I've been doing a lot of creative things for my bedroom that I want finished before Robert visits for spring break. One of them that I have almost finished is a garland of origami flowers, which can be found here. I made sixty-nine flowers and I have almost hung them all up on my string of lights. I simply used a needle and thread to link them together. It's a pretty easy decoration.


     I have two more projects for my room, one is a tree of cranes, as shown in the movie (500) Days of Summer (which I will post photos of as I get there) and the second is stenciling on a table lamp. Here are some pictures to help explain.

Here we have my table lamp that my mother got me for Christmas.

Pretty plain, huh?

This is my bedspread.

I thought that I could make my lamp cooler if I put the flowers on the lamp.

Good idea, right?

I tried to trace them with computer paper but it was too thick.

Instead, I used tissue paper.

I'll trace the tissue paper copies with a thicker paper so I can tape them onto the table lamp and then go around the edges with fabric paint that matches the room.

     This is my last post for the two-thousand and eleven year! I hope you all have a safe New Year's and I'll be looking forward to posting for you in two-thousand and twelve! Chou!

"Christmas"

     I've been thinking about so much lately; my life currently, my life in six months, my life in a year, the people in my life, the events to come, and so on and so forth. I'm sure you get the gist, but most of my thoughts today were about what I want and what I have, and what I can do to assure that I have both.
     You see, I think of myself as an anxious child, forever awaiting Christmas day even though it's only mid-July. I know what it is I want and I've already had a glimpse of my gifts, but I can't do anything more. I cannot open my toys let alone play with them; so what am I to do? Well, there is only one thing I can do---wait.
     Ah, but if it were that easy! If I wasn't such a selfish child on the inside, I could easily wait for years but I'm not. I'm impatient and selfish because I want to have what I want to have, because I need what I need. And yet, I can wait despite myself. The only thing that will keep me between what I want is myself, and I must prevent that.
     I want my HappilyEverMerryChristmasNewYear. I have to wait just a little while longer to open those gifts and pretend to be surprised. Six months isn't a long time to wait and I'm sure I can wait it. I just need a load of self-discipline and motivation. I'll be the child that decides to eat three pieces of Halloween candies a day rather than the whole bag.

     Cheers to patience and love for the child within me. I will not suffer the stomach ache of my neighbor.

Disheartened sofa

     I got off work last night and walked into the house that resides in my heart. I was surprised to find everything in such disarray, and you were nowhere to be found. I sat alone and wondered when you would be back, if you would be back. I was a mess and I needed you, for then and forever. My tears were fierce and my sobs long and sorrowful. "He's not returning," I thought to myself just before I passed into a dreadful slumber.
     "Ding dong," the doorbell yelled and startled me awake. I rubbed my eyes, walked to the door, and could see your body through the peephole. I opened the door slightly, tears streaming down my face. "I'm sorry," you said with a half grin and a shrug. I pushed the door far enough to let you in and then we made our way to the sofa.
     "Why did you take your things without so much as a goodbye? What did I do?" I asked frantically trying to makes heads or tails of our situation. "I left because... because I didn't want to be left," he blushed in embarrassment of his own words, "I sort of... beat you to the punch." My forehead wrinkled as I looked at him, puzzled. "What do you mean? I don't want you to leave. I don't want you to leave, ever."
     He took my hand in his and said, "I just need a little bit of time, at least."
     "Promise me you'll come back," I pleaded.
     "I love you. I promise."
     He gathered what little was left of his belongings and made his way out of the home inside my heart. From a nearby window, I watched him get into his van and drive away; all the while reassuring myself that he would return soon enough.
     Tonight, I'm here on the sofa again.

Bowling

     So as you can see, my idea to turn that extremely long skirt into a mini-dress was a success! I think it really suits me and is now a pretty piece of clothing rather than a tacky eyesore! (Although my watch doesn't really match, lol.) I want to wear it already but I don't know when it'll be warm enough to sport it without freezing, or  what shoes to wear and other related items. I'll probably post another photograph when I do decide what to go with it.
     Anyhow, today has been another successful day. I've learned so much about myself, like that I tend to enlighten people and make them happy because my happiness is contagious; which in turn, makes me even more happy! :3 It's like a vicious cycle of awesome-tastic happiness! I made great tips for it being a Wednesday night and even did some shopping after work. I finally bought this purse that I've been dying to have, which says a ton because I am not a purse girl. I've had the same mini-backpack for about six years and we've been through a lot together; shows, Warped Tour, middle school, high school, life in general... mannnn!
     The ball of life is rolling down the center of the lane for me right now; I'm real close to hitting all of those pins. We'll find out if I get a strike by next fall, when I *hopefully* go to school at the Southwest University of Visual Arts in Tuscon, Arizona.

Ohsojolly

     I don't know what it has been about today, but I'm in a great mood. I spent today mostly alone, baking cookies to prepare for when the family comes for Christmas. I also went shopping at Goodwill and got pair of shoes, a skirt (that I'm gonna use as a dress and will post photos of), and a shirt that reminded me of Kasey. My last stop before returning to my grandparents' was Target. At Target, I purchased the gag gift for Papa and Heather, some busybones for Wrigey and Lillyperl, a beanie for John, some more sprinkles for sugar cookies, and some leggings for myself. I really wanted to buy this bag, but I decided to wait until tomorrow, after work.

     I guess I'm feeling all jolly and christmasy already.(: My grandparents and I just finished watching The Velveteen Rabbit, which is an amazing movie! If you haven't seen it, I recommend it. It's actually based off a book so you know it's going on my reading list.(: I'm so excited for this Christmas even though I'm obligated to work, I'm finally going to be able enjoy the company of most of the family; it'll be Emry's first Christmas as well! (She's my cousin Desiree's little girl.) I wish my jolliness was more contagious because my mom really needs to feel it. I mean, even though we don't agree on most things, she shouldn't make me feel bad for wanting to get her a Christmas gift. Her words were, "Don't get me anything for Christmas because I don't have money to get you something in return." Which I think is not in the spirit of the holidays, and anyway, it's not like she gets me anything when I'm away lol. I've accepted it.(x

     Also in jolly news, I have a date on Sunday! Interesting, right? Just another one of life's twists! I don't really know the guy except that he was a customer at ihop that I gave my number, but he's cute and funny so that's a start lol. This, of course, doesn't mean that I don't love Robert and such. It's just one of those things, ya know? We'll see how everything pans out.(:

     One final thing, the blog tittle is a play on words... sort of. Ha ha. Because in Spanish oso (oh-so) means bear. So there you have it.(x  Oh, I lied; two things. I've been having really intense dreams that are like "whhhaaaaa???" Maybe I'll blog about them later. Goodnight and happy holidays!~

I don't even know what to title this

     I gave myself sometime and I'm no longer angry at the female gender. I just feel like I'm staring at my reflection in a puddle, not enjoying what I see. I get frustrated with myself and stomp in the puddle, only to get myself all dirty and hate myself more. I don't really know what I'm doing, with anything. I work, I eat, I sleep, I visit Mankie... Rinse and repeat. That's my life in a nutshell, but things are so much more complicated than that.
     I have a lot of people on my mind and something almost always seems to go wrong when I'm happy. I'm beginning to feel like I've betrayed myself and become the "other girl" once more, but I was unaware this time around. I hope that's not the case but I feel like I fall second to... well everyone. I'm no one's girlfriend and I don't really feel like I'm anyone's friend here... Kasey's like the only person who feels the same way about me as I feel about her. It's not like it used to be though. Everything changes, regardless of whether we want it to or not.
     I guess I've just been fishing in a fish-less pond, it's no wonder that I've lost a few hooks and caught nothing. I guess I ought to find a better pond, huh? But I'm too stupid to leave, I'm too happy with my unhappiness... if that makes sense.

It's how I feel.

Who knew it was so simple?

     Not me, that's for sure! I wish I had know sooner, ha ha. But I'm happy now, excited even! Things are back to normal and I have travels and visits to look forward too! Eeeep! :3 There's Christmas and then January, then spring break...! La la la, I couldn't be happier... well I'm sure there's always room for more happiness, but I'm in a really FANTASTIC place right now. I'm much better than I was this morning, sitting in my car while I waited for my grandparents to get home, lol.

     And while trying to find out what all the hype was about for Google+, I stumbled on my new stick figure comic obsession... (I've read all the Cyanide and Happiness entries... except future ones that I read daily.) You can find these comics here: http://xkcd.com/

So cute.

:3

It.

Warms.

My.

Heart.

(Like pot roast!)

xD

My heart knew it was you

     I had been half asleep for about an hour, I could still hear my music perfectly. That's when I heard the text message tone from my iPhone. My heart pounded heavily and told my brain that it was you, they just knew it was you. I scrambled for the phone and saw "Papa Bear<3" appear on the screen. At one point I felt like my heart would tear a hole in my chest, but luckily it gradually beat slower and without as much force.
     I opened the message and it wasn't awful, but it wasn't anything like I was expecting. It's just one of those things that make me hate girls, and as a result I deleted my facebook completely. It'll be gone in two weeks time, I believe.
     I'm still texting Robert as I type this, but I just had to get on here. It makes me feel better. Plus, I had to write about my heart nearly exploding. It was something that I've never felt before. Neopets is down so I guess I'm not gonna do my dailies... see you around fellow bloggers.

P.S. If you don't like me, don't waste your time trolling on me. It doesn't do anything for you and it sure as hell does nothing for me, except make me lose tons of respect for you.

How many times a day...

     You know when you go to a store for just one thing but end up seeing something that reminds you of some one, so you just HAVE to get it? Well that happened to me today while I was a Michael's picking up some of that floral Styrofoam stuff.

     I was in line for the register when, BAM!; a package of "Moose Munch" caught my eye. I thought of Robert and had to buy it... I'm not really sure what I'm gonna do with it now, maybe send it for Christmas, but I have it! Then that led me to thinking, how many times a day am I thought about?

     I think of a lot of people almost all the time, some more than others; but that goes without saying. I just happen to have long trains of thought that end up connecting people, memories, and objects in the strangest ways. If you have read this post, then you'll know exactly what I mean. But if I can think of almost everyone I've ever met in a matter of a few brief minutes, then how many times do I cross their minds? I think about Robert a lot, for obvious reasons, but there is just so much to think about. Or maybe I'm just thinking too much... or not enough.

These days are getting better

     This weekend has treated me well and I'm pretty happy about it, of course there has been some minor upsets but that's all in an average weekend. Overall, I'm happy. I mean, things could always be better but this is the best I've felt in a while. Somethings have stood out amongst the rest this weekend... which I will now explain to you.

This photo was taken on March 1st, 2010. Joey's hand (top) 

and my hand in the first two soda tab bracelets I ever made.

     On Friday, I made sure I did all my work and kept my section of tables clean, so I could leave IHOP early and help Jasmine, Justin, Andrea, and Joey's mom make soda tab bracelets. I love Joey's mom and the kids, but Joey found a way to sour my visit. He asked me to stay out of his room and the little house that we used to live in together, and I respected that completely; I wasn't there to nose through his stuff. He then proceeded to call his mother and Jasmine to make sure they keep me out of  his things.
     It made me really  mad. I mean, I don't expect him to trust me but I expect him to understand that when I respect what he has requested of me and that I was not going to go through his things. I called him and explained this to him and he replied, "Last time, you didn't tell me you were going to the little house to take your stuff."
     "Well that same day before I got my things, you left the room I was in... as if my presence was such a bother to you!" I half yelled, trying to keep my cool.
     "Well... it kinda does bother me!"
     I started shaking and Jasmine started crying. I said goodbye then hung up. It was really upsetting that someone could make me feel so angry for something so minuscule. What hurt the worst was that the fact that my presence bothers Joey made Jasmine upset. I love that girl so much, but Joey and I are just not going to work out. I really don't want us to work out, not now.
      He left a note jammed between my car door and the panel. Here it is:

Top right: "Best any small trace of my humor can be."

Top center (bubble): "Can't believe I'm named after a blue box."

Left center (under cat): "Since you like cats."

Bottom: "If you remember these than you'll understand a lil bit why its 

hard to even say hi to you. Let alone anything I really wanna tell you. 

Good luck in Arizona. Wish you the best. See you round Doll.'"

A depiction of him asking me, 

"Baby, where are my steampunk goggles?"

     It made me smile and upset all the same, but that just like any flash from the past will do. I'm supposed to see a movie with the kids this upcoming weekend and play some Animal Crossing too. A lot walking down memory lane went on this weekend, 'specially with those kids. We've all been through a lot together, but one thing that practically broke my heart was ever so simple. Justin brought out a letter I had written to him in Summer 2010. In it I had written, "see you in thirty days." Justin looked at me and said, "And then you never came back. You lied to us." I know he was only giving me a hard time but it hurt. It hurt my heart to lie to him, even though it was unintentionally.

     I tried to stay as long as I could but the kids were getting tired and Joey's mom wanted me to leave so the kids would be willing to go to bed. I hugged them all for quite a while and I read the little note before I left. I mused about the past then started up Carl and made my way back home, thinking many thoughts all the way.

     I passed out almost immediately once I got home and had a nice dream about Robert. It was just as intricate as any other dream but I don't feel like sharing it at this point.

     I worked for an hour on Saturday which was really lame so I ended up making Robert's mom's Christmas gift and hanging out with Brandon, one of the IHOP cooks, until I took him to work.

The gift, a bouquet of origami tulips in a tissue paper mosaic vase.

     I used tissue paper from Victoria's Secret, Iron Fist shoes, and this glittery one a co-worker gave me. I  bought the floral stems and moss stem tape from Hobby Lobby for about six dollars, the vase was a dollar at the dollar tree, and I learned how to make origami flowers from origami-instructions.com. It's a pretty simple project. I just need some of that Styrofoam type stuff so the flowers stay in place.

     Today was great! Shot some paint ball with Brandon, Sid, and Cali. Went to this awesome indoor flea market and scored these super awesome communications cards from way back when. I'm planning on turning them into postcards, and I'll post photos when I make 'em. (Cali and I are pretty excited bout them, ha ha.) And I'll finish this post with a couple of photos from today.

 This is Anubis.

She's really cute and really hyper.

And possibly a lesbian, ha ha.

I think she's a miniature greyhound.

:3 

 Mike, another IHOP server and friend of mine, joined us later.

Anubis liked the warmth of his jacket.

So cute, lol.

Cali gave me a moose...

 'cause I was sorta obsessing over cute ones we saw at the flea market.

Ets suh adorabhulll!

^____^

P.S. I just remembered something. On the refrigerator at Brandon's house, they have a zodiac thingamajig and it said that for the rooster, 2011 was expected to be a terrible year. And you know, it's only been half bad. The page advised roosters to wear jade and carry a lucky Buddha. *Sigh* I really miss my pocket Buddha. On the bright side, he's with someone who needs the luck. I can't complain, goodnight.

The secret life of Passíon A. Magician

     I've decided that I'm going to disappear from Robert for a while, we'll see what that does. Hopefully it helps both of us. This way I won't worry myself to shreds and he'll have time to evaluate his feelings and thoughts and such. Speaking of Robert, I had a bad dream about him... but after I talked to him about it, it didn't seem as bad as it made me feel.
     The dream started with two kids playing a computer game, the view I had was of the back of their heads looking into the computer screen. They were playing a game in which they had to turn people and their towns smaller and separate them from each other that way the Acorn Queen wouldn't destroy them. It ended up that Robert, a bunch of random people, and I were in the game. We were swimming across a river with our possessions to a summer camp place.
     Robert's room was the only room in the entire place that had a girl bunked with two boys, Robert and his friend Santana. My room was right next to his and I cannot recall if I had any bunk mates. The bathroom was in the hall that was in front of my room, and a door from Robert's room led to the bathroom as well. This is important later.
     Some time after every one of the townsfolk had got their belongs to the camp, this daring young boy jumped off a cliff into the river on a couch cushion. Following his decent, a black man, maybe in his early twenties, ran over to the where the boy had safely landed and began drowning himself for reasons unbeknownst to me. When the boy asked him why he was drowning himself he mumbled something along the lines of, "I've been waiting for my brother."
     After the man took his own life through the water, I saw Robert crossing a bridge that lead to the camp. I waved excitedly and frantically at him and all he did was stare. Confused, I made a heart shape with my hands and he looked away and continued on his way. I assumed he wasn't talking to me, shrugged it off, and went back to the camp to go take a shower.
     As I was undressing, a former classmate of mine walked in and freaked out a little. I was topless and just struck up a conversation with Darrell, all the while he not knowing whether to keep his eyes on my eyes or... you know. Once the conversation came to an end, I asked him if he wanted to join me in a shower. He ran away screaming "no" as though I was trying to kill him. Once again, I shrugged off the action of a boy and continued with my business.
     When I finished my shower Darrell ran into the bathroom and announced that he was ready. Although I was fully dressed he picked me up in such a way that my leg would be wrapped around his waist, else I fall backwards. Surprised by this sudden action, I exclaimed, "Oh Darrel! You're so strong!" (Which now that I think about it sounds pretty... bad.) Robert passed by the bathroom to enter his room just as I made that statement, which probably made him mad. But before I could do anything a camp counselor came into the bathroom with buckets and said, "Well, I guess we ought to prepare everyone for what's about to happen." She opened the door that connected the bathroom to Robert's room and placed a bucket between the door and the wall; she continued to do this with all doors at the camp.
     I walked by Robert's room hoping that he wasn't upset with what he saw and that maybe he would believe me when I explained what happened... which still seemed pretty bad even though Robert wasn't talking to me. When I peered in he and Santana we just laying in bed because they had gotten in trouble for making their watches spell the word dick, so as a punishment they were ordered to go to bed at two o'clock.
     I went into the kitchen to waste some time and to help Mankie with what ever she needed. I didn't end up doing much so I decided to head back to my room and as soon as I reached for the handle of my door, Robert beckoned me to see him. I took a seat on the floor and Robert opened up a notebook that he made and began a story.
     Page by page he went through our whole history up until this point. At the last page was a drawing of five people, three of them were colored red and two of them were only red outlines. He pointed at the picture and said, "...and then you had to go and do this. Why would you do this to me?" I tried explaining what had happened with Darrell but he refused to listen. I grabbed a pair of scissors and held them at my shoulder, then I woke up in that position.
     It was pretty scary because I have no idea what I planned to do with those scissors. But the dream made me feel like it was the end of the line for Robert and I, which I don't believe. I think the dream was just a mash up of everything that my co-workers were telling me last night.
     The thing that stuck with me most was what Candace said, which was, "You would think that people get closer together during the holidays but actually, since the year is coming to an end they reflect on the past year and what could have been."
    My theory on getting over people is that you find someone else who makes you want to get over the person you were with before, but that's just my opinion. It could be different for everyone else, I don't know. I just hope that I'm worth getting over Nancy because I don't want anyone else but Robert. In which case, I hope my disappearing act makes things better before he's supposed to come visit.
   
P.S. I hope you enjoyed the pun of a blog title there.
(:

Angry dreams

     I had two really vivid dreams last night both made me wake up angry. Here they are:

Dream 1:
     I guess my mom, her should-be-boyfriend; Nick, Alex; one of my co-workers, and I were all shopping for Christmas. My mom and Nick were sitting on her car when she told me, "Mija, go to that pet store. They have buy one get one on dog and cat stuff."
     Alex and I made our way into the pet shop when this guy who worked there came up to me and took me away from Alex with his words. He was trying to help me find whatever it was that I was looking for and hitting on me as well. I only knew this because one of the female cashiers said something rude to me as we passed.
     I felt really bad for this pet shop worker because I had to leave our conversation, I needed to pee awfully bad. I asked him to direct me to the restrooms and as soon has he had, I fled to over to the door of the women's.
     Before I could enter, I had to figure out how to use the machine that was there. (I don't really know how to explain it, so excuse me if it sounds ridiculous.) It was a gray box that had a section where you could insert money, both coins and bills, and a tiny screen that showed the price you were supposed to pay, which was also refunded to you, but the catch was that the numbers on the screen were constantly moving. (For example, you know when you put gas in you vehicle the cents change a lot faster than the dollars? Well it's the same concept except the machine in my dream would reach $50.00 and go all the way down to $0.01, all at extremely fast speeds.)
     I had no change so I couldn't pay for the restroom myself, I needed to find Alex. I didn't want to leave where I was so I just yelled for her until she showed up. This guy came up to me and showed me how to get the machine to run slower for a little bit. What I had to do was jam the reset button and the numbers would move at a rate of two numbers per second, which was a lot slower than it had been moving before. Alex quickly handed me a dollar bill and some change and as I opened the door in my dream, I woke up and ran to the bathroom.

Dream 2:
     I was at IHOP, working as usual when I was approached by this shady looking guy. He handed me a suitcase, presumably filled with money, and told me to take it to an address and ask for some lady. I held the suitcase back out to the man and said, "No, I'm working." "Just take the damn suitcase," the man said as he shoved it back to me, "and go now. She's waiting for you."
     I left work without a word and went to find my brother, Michael. He happened to be at a sex shop trying to by a coffee pot. When I saw Michael, I advised him not to by the coffee pot that looks like the orange carafes that we use at IHOP, seeing as I might accidentally take it to work. He ended up not buying a coffee pot after all, and as we were leaving he said, "come on Joey." I turned around and to my surprise, there stood Joey. We avoided making eye contact or any contact for the time that we would have to be together.
     The three of us get into Michael's car and I explained to them the situation that I've been placed in the middle of, so Michael decided that we should go together to the lady's place so nothing would happen to us.
     Once we arrived, I went to the door and asked for the lady just as the man had told me to. The door opened and a voice beckoned us to enter, shortly after we enter the door slammed shut. We walked through a long hallway before we came to a room where the lady was sitting on her bed with another woman. The other woman took Joey into another room just as I was handing the suitcase to the lady.
     I jerked the suitcase from the skeletal hands of the lady and demanded that she bring Joey back here. (Joey and I are not on good terms but I sure as hell wasn't going to let him die because of me.) "The suitcase or your life," she said, almost as if it was a command but I still held fast to the suitcase, and Michael ran into the room that the other woman took Joey.
     The other woman walked out with not a shred of clothing on and no sign of Michael or Joey. She climbed atop the bed and crawled over to the lady and whispered something in her ear. The lady promptly left and the other woman began talking. "He asked me to do bad things to him, you know," she began, giggling in spite of herself. I stood there, speechless, and gave her a roll of my eyes. "That little Joey of yours is a feisty one, it took a while for him to want me, but when he did... he just could. Not. Stop." I still remained as quiet as ever because this other woman should know that there was no such thing as a Joey of mine. I didn't know what she was trying to do by telling me these things, but it wasn't working.
     She continued to say the most provocative things about her and Joey, making motions and gestures, even sounds. I was getting fed up with her nonsense. It wasn't the fact that she had something with Joey that got me angry, but rather, that she was sitting there in her nakedness and bragging about the things she had done with the person who, at one point, was my future.
     Furious, I ran at her and beat her relentlessly. I yanked the stupid blue and orange extensions from her hair and repeatedly popped her in the face. She was laughing, she was fucking laughing! How could I beat her to a pulp and she still mock me? It wasn't right but, of course, none of this was. The dream ended with me continuously punching her as she laughed at me. She won and she knew it, but I wasn't going to give up...

You and I are no coincidence

     When I started cleaning my room today I came across my copy of (500) Days of Summer and decided to watch it. It actually just ended right now and it made me think about my life and the people in it. Well this quote exactly:

 "If Tom had learned anything... it was that you can't ascribe great cosmic significance to a simple earthly event. Coincidence, that's all anything ever is, nothing more than coincidence... Tom had finally learned, there are no miracles. There's no such thing as fate, nothing is meant to be. He knew, he was sure of it now."

      It made me think of November 2009, when and how I met Robert. It's funny and pretty strange, something that would have never happened between me and anyone else the way it happened with us.
     We were both in Las Cruces, New Mexico for a mariachi convention type thing with our schools and many other schools from all over the Southern United States. During the morning, we would divide into separate classes based on what instrument we played and the skill level we were at. In each classroom, one of the members of Mariachi Cobre would go over the songs given to us in our song books and teach us new techniques for playing. After morning rehearsal and lunch was over, everyone would gather in this large room to practice the songs we would play in front of everyone. But before we could even begin, we would have to divide ourselves into our sections. Starting from the left, as if you were looking from on-stage, there stood the armonia section; which consists of the guitar, guitarra de golpe, vihuela, guitarrón, and harp in that order, then there were the trumpets and violins. Since I played vihuela and Robert played guitarrón, we happened to not be far from each other and that's when the magic happened.
     I saw him looking at me just as he saw me looking at him; I would smile and he would give me his signature grin. The next day, we repeated the act of noticing each other but this time was a little different, the people from my group had to leave early because we had to go get dressed for the evening's festivities. I decided to write him a note that said, "Sorry I don't know your name..." and I don't remember the rest except that I had written my myspace url in it. "www.myspace.com/lovesawierdo" (Which doesn't exist anymore.)
     We were supposed to talk that night, but I think he was too nervous because I was all dressed up and he wasn't. I remember seeing him though and eagerly waiting for him to approach me. He didn't, but somehow I ended up with his phone number... I don't recall how anymore, but at the time my phone was being stupid and I couldn't save his number. I asked Maddie, one of the violin players from my school, to save his number in her phone for me until we could get back to our hotel.
     When we arrived, I quickly gathered my things and asked Maddie for his number. Once I had it on a little La Quinta sticky note, I borrowed Luz's, one of our guitar players, cell phone to text to him. I don't remember what we talked about at all, but I remember the next day as though it were yesterday...
     We were all outside, some people gathering in large groups to play random mariachi songs, others getting food and relaxing, but as for me, I was finding Robert. I asked Mr.Perales, my mariachi instructor, if I could go over to a different spot than everyone else and he agreed. I found Robert and we went to a bench and I rambled on about a lot of nothing for quite a while. He mostly stayed quiet and nodded his head or gave a short response, but I remember clearly when he stated that he hated Death Cab for Cutie. (Which, I might add, he actually loves. He was just in denial at the time.) That night was the long awaited performance by Pepe Aguilar and the last time I would see Robert for a long time. He came and found me with the people from my school and sat with me, we talked a little bit and watched the show while my friends cock-blocked...
     At the end of the concert he walked with me until it was time for us to leave, we hugged, and went our separate ways. I don't think I could explain to you what I was feeling, but I can feel it now even as I type this.
     Next thing you know, I get back home and text Robert as much as I can. I was so interested in everything he said and every joke he made was just that much funnier. Eventually we started writing each other letters and he was in every one of my thoughts, but I have failed to mention that there was Joey, my boyfriend at the time.
     I don't remember exactly when it was, but Joey gave me an ultimatum: it was Robert or him. It was awful but of course, I chose Joey; the guy who I had been in love with for so long and was just now getting serious with. I wrote a pathetic awful letter to Robert and we stopped talking. I'm sure he hated me for a good while, and I could understand that. I practically threw him away, even after Joey had sex with his ex-girlfriend while we were dating. But Robert never left my thoughts, he was everywhere to me.
     I remember walking around the school and picking dandelion puffs from the grass and wishing that he thought of me, wishing that he didn't hate me like I knew he did, wishing that someday things would be better. Then the last week of my junior year, Nick, an old friend of mine who happens to look just like Robert and I hadn't talked to in AGES, said "hi" to me. I freaked out. Bad. I knew right then that I needed to talk to Robert. I NEEDED to say something, even if he didn't respond. I didn't know how to go about contacting him because I no longer had his number in my cell phone. I contemplated asking for his number through his friends that had talked to me before, I thought of so many plans after that... but I ended up finding that little La Quinta sticky note and sending a text to the ten numbers that were Robert.
     We started talking again but things didn't start off so well. He thought that I had only started texting him because I was bored but in all actuality, I missed him a lot. Things got better in time so now we can fast forward to the present: December 1st, 2011.

      I love Robert, with my all. He's the one that I want and the one that my heart and brain have decided on. It's amazing that after all this time and everything that I've put him through that he's still here, that he's the one that receives my "I love you"s, that we're even still talking after everything; and that is why I can say that Robert and I are no coincidence. I don't think that when I noticed Robert noticing me notice him noticing me was an accident. I mean, we've only spent total of about a week and a half with each other and neither of us has said goodbye for good. We're just something more.

How funny, a Death Cab song just came up on my iPhone.(x

My heart said to my brain, "I told you so!"

     A few days ago I was going to blog about how sometimes, you have to use your brain to convince your heart that things are going to be alright... but I was mistaken. When your brain has to convince your heart something,  you are only cheating yourself. Your heart knows when things are wrong even before your brain realizes it. Well, that's how it goes for me anyway.
     You see, a few days ago Robert lost his necklace with the cute dog tag I put on it. If you know me at all or have read this post, then you know exactly why I knew something was wrong the moment he told me. If you haven't read the post then allow me to explain; if you have read the post or know me well, you can skip ahead to the next paragraph. If someone gave me an object, say a bracelet, and that bracelet just did not stay on; I would believe that our friendship was on the brink of ending and I am the one holding us together. You know what I mean? That's how my heart knew what my brain ignored.

     At the end of the day my heart said to my brain, "I told you so!" I'm no longer at war with myself over what might happen or what's supposed to happen. My brain, heart, and I are all content waiting alone, together. (If that makes sense...) We're waiting on Robert's heart to convince his brain that it's okay, the three of us won't hurt him like other hearts, brains, and people have before. :3

Now that I have drawn this, I can sleep. 

Please excuse the hands.

"I guess you can say that I miss you..."

This song.

That is all.

Everyone else

     Sometimes I wonder how important I am to everyone else. Do the people that I have high on the scale of importance think of me on the same level? Or am I not as important? The reason I've been thinking about this so much is because I feel like I've been placed on the back burner of everyone else's life. It's understandable, there are other things to focus on in the world besides me, but I'm being selfish. I want someone to talk to, someone to listen, someone to hang out with, someone to be my friend...
     It feels like I have none of that, these days. All my good friends are far away and the so-called friends that still talk to me just use me for advice or because they need a ride. Then there's co-workers but I just feel disconnected from them... And the person who I need most is caught up in so much that it's almost as though he's gone./:
     Things seem better for everyone else I know but that's just me having unnecessary self-pity. And just a month ago I was grateful for the place I was in life. Not much has changed except circumstance... But things will improve, I'm sure. I just have to be patient.

Self-isolation

     I don't mean to cut myself off from everybody but I always end up alone. Even at work when I'm surrounded by people, I somehow manage to be sitting somewhere by myself or so focused on my work that I don't pay attention to my surroundings and the people in them.
     I feel like the loser of the swing-shift ihop servers because my co-workers like me, but it feels like they aren't really my friends. I miss jokes and I don't understand some of the things they do. I get left out of a lot of things because I get really focused on my work when I need to...
     And even right now, I could be texting any number of people... but I don't. I just continue to be alone and make myself feel like a nobody for whatever reason. It just seems that the more I try to hold on and understand, the more everything and everyone starts slipping away.
     When I begin to get close to people, they forget our plans before they make others... and it hurts. I guess that's something that they don't see. I just keep holding on to what little I have and try not to say more than necessary because I don't want to be alone. I'm so sick of being alone.

Stay pretty

     I've never been the type of girl to go about my day all dolled up and pretty. On an average day, I'll go about my business looking as I do after I step out of the shower. Sometimes I'll straighten my hair or throw some eyeliner on, but I've never been the kind of girl who always wanted to look good. My main goal, thus far, has been to look like myself. But something my grandfather said to me caused a change in my ways.
     It was about a year and a half ago when Grampy, my grandfather, made this statement to me; "Passíon, you're a beautiful girl... but I've noticed that you've put less than an effort into your appearance." His sentence made me grind my teeth to hold back the rude words I had coming his way. How dare my own family tell me that I looked bad! "You seem serious with this boy, but you two aren't married. You don't want him to find the next pretty thing," he finished. I was so sure of myself and of my future that his continued slander of my looks just made me hate him for all of thirty minutes.
     Fast forward to now and I finally understand why he told me that. Here I am, an unmarried eighteen year old, in a relationship with a different person than I was a year and a half ago, working my butt off. There's only two reasons I doll up these days and those two reasons are: 1.) My boyfriend; because I want him to love me at my best and see me at night and in the morning and still love me. I just want to look good for him every chance I get; there's just something inside my heart that makes me want to be dolled up for him, even if all we do is sit on the couch and watch television. 2.) Work; appearance is everything when you are a server (waitress), if you look like shit, you'll get shit for tips. But even with that on my mind, I sometimes forget to put make-up on before work or at least straighten my bangs...

I just think my bebee must be something special if I want to impress him with my prettiness every time we see each other.

:3

The things I do for love

      For reasons unbeknownst to me, my life can never be simple. It's as though my life is facade of beautiful grass and I am just a careless picnicker; I lay my blanket on the grass and unpack my picnic, only to discover that the grass is worn and ugly, and ants have arrived to take my food from me. Whenever I find a perfect patch of life, something tends to go wrong shortly after. Though, it's not always such a dramatic turn of events, sometimes just a mere annoyance or disappointment. But overall, I'm happy with my life.
     I try to turn every situation I'm in into something positive. For example, when I got my car towed I had more than enough money saved up to bail my car out. The two ways this could be perceived are like so:

1. "Oh no! My car got towed and now I have to spend money to get it out!"
2. "Whew! I'm lucky I had more than enough money to save my vehicle!"

 The latter response is me because even though I was in a bad situation, I had enough safety cushion to get done what needed to be done and not end up flat broke.
     The reason I bring all this up is because my perfect visit to my boyfriend's corner of the world seemed to have further complicated our relationship. Maintaining a long distance relationship is hard enough, but it becomes even harder when you have all the time in the world and your significant other does not; when you have no way of seeing them because their internet is out; when your visit made your significant other realize that they love you a million times more than they thought they did....
     So I guess you can say we're on hiatus until things get smoother for him. It was quite upsetting at first but things have mostly returned to normal. I don't mind waiting because I know that I'll see him soon enough, and for a good while I hope. We'll be attending a wedding together on June 9th and things should better before then. It's just I know he's got a lot on his plate; it's his senior year of high school and he's gonna have to hustle up in this upcoming semester so he can graduate, visit me, and all that good stuff.

Hiatus or not, I can be patient for whom I love.<3

Skimming the surface of you and I

     It's funny how every time I see you is like meeting you all over again. I mean, I know that I know you... but seeing you makes me feel like it's the first time that your eyes are meeting mine. I get extremely nervous and wonder if it's okay to hold your hand. In my heart I'm positive that you'll allow such a gesture, but in my mind I'm having doubts. "I just got here," I think to myself, "I don't want to seem too eager or too clingy... Oh who am I kidding! Those words describe me perfectly." I reach for your hand and you gladly accept mine. I smile and blush, embarrassed that I doubted my desire for a second. Now all I want is to have you near to me for as long as I can!
     At some point, the nerves simmer down a bit and our comfort with each other returns. We are happy doing absolutely nothing except watching the night sky from the inside of the car and staying home, cracking jokes about what ever commercials are playing on the television.
     During the shows you rub your head (and antlers) against me and say "moose moose," as you tickle my neck with your scruffy beard. I giggle and playfully push you away. "Mew mew, purrrr" I say when I rub my head against your shoulder.
     But four days comes to an end pretty quickly, and soon it's time for us to part. Your mom drives us to the airport where we have to say goodbye. It's hard for me to talk between tears so I hug you as tight as I can and tippy-toe to give you a kiss. You say, "I love you Shawnee." To which I quickly retaliate, "I love you too, Papa Bear." I ask you to thank your mom for all she has done for me and then we go our separate ways...
     Each hello you utter puts the biggest smile on my face and every goodbye brings me to tears; but all the smiles make the tears worthwhile. All the laughter makes the wait to see you next seem to pass more quickly. I just love you and every second that we have together.<3

One day we'll be ugly old people with ass cancer,

sitting on our rocking chairs,

making turkey noises at passersby.

And at that point,

what others say won't phase us;

because I'll have you and you'll have me.

Until we

*head shake*

Bluh blub bleh

*Stick out tongue*

And well...

you know the rest.

<3

Hell Girl

     My brother introduced me to the best anime ever, Hell Girl. It's lesson is that vengeance solves nothing. I don't know how to explain the show without getting all nerdy and excited about it... so here it goes.
     Ai Enma, Hell Girl, has the powers to send people to hell if you pull the scarlet thread on the doll that she gives you. You must first contact the Hell Correspondence with the name of your "tormentor"  and from then on, Ai contacts you and tell you the rules of vengeance. It might seem awesome that you can kill the person who is bringing harm to you, instantly. But "there is always a price to pay." That price is to spend an eternity in hell once you die; the choice is solely yours.
     It makes you think about whether or not you have anyone that you hate enough to want them dead. And I have to say, my life is great. There is not one person that I think has done me wrong to the point of death...
     But everyone needs to watch this show. EVERYONE. It's soooo good. TvT

The life of a bear, please

     It's getting close to winter, may I please hibernate? May I take a day or maybe a month off from the bustling world around me? Would it be alright, Universe, if I could float in between time with Papa Bear for a while and hold his hand? I'm not asking for much, am I? A little relaxing time with my bebee sounds superb.

     I suppose I can tough it out for a bit. After all, November 11th isn't so far away. I'm just exhausted with this life I'm living; I feel so boring, so ordinary. This is the part of my life that they would leave out of the movie, the part where nothing happens. The part where I take a walk around Target to put my mind at ease and I pretend I'm going to buy something. The part where I sit in my car and think about nothing in particular and amaze myself with thoughts...

     A co-worker asked what I do for fun---honestly, I had no answer. My life is so dull. I work, I eat, I sleep. I need a change. Having weekends off sucks when you have no friends.

     And on a final note, I dreamt that I had a pet bear that drank vanilla lattes. That's me, a tired bear who's too busy to hibernate. I need some time for myself besides these few hours before bed./: I'd like the life of an bear with no priorities.

Holding hostages

     I read a status update on facebook that said, "Get him off of your mind and let him out of your life, okay?" That status wasn't meant for me but it affected me as thought it was; let me explain.
     I cannot handle the thought of someone I care about leaving my life. I hold fast to everyone because, in my opinion, everyone matters. Every person in my life is here for a reason, but what happens when they no longer want to stay? Am I wrong for making hostages of those I care about so much?
     I think it is wrong. I should be letting people leave if they so desire...

...maybe.

Mirrored damage

     I'm listening to Northern Lights (Acoustic) by The Dangerous Summer. I've been listening to it on repeat for a couple of days now. On the way to work, after work, during time to myself, as I sleep... and I really don't know why I torture myself this way. This song has such a profound meaning to me  that I can't help but fill buckets with my tears. *Sigh* How depressing.
     I just feel like I'm on the defensive; instead of being the victim I'm the murderer. I'll plea "not guilty" even as I sit in court with my hands laden with crimson blood. Of course, I won't get away with it because my imaginary world is quite just---but that's besides the point.
     My tactics have been taught to me by people who were once of the utmost importance. I have a mirror full of the terrible things that those I loved have put me through and now, I'm using them for myself.
     But why? It's not as though I intentionally decided to be evil, it's just a way for me to defend myself from the very few insecurities I do have. Instead of trying things I run away, I say "I don't know," I hide, and cower  in fear... in fear of myself.
     I make too many mistakes and I think far too deeply, far too often. And as a result I hurt those I care about. It becomes a repeating process and at the end of the day I begin to realize that I'm breaking my own heart.
   

When will I learn?

Life updates

     I've disappeared and I'm sorry. Mostly to myself, for those nights where I come here to spill my heart and thoughts, but fail to do so. 

     I've been re-addicted to Neopets and if you'd like to join me click here.(: Then neomail pawlie_gray (that's me) that you joined! :3

     Other than that I am currently employed at an IHOP restaurant and I really like it! I have the opportunity to interact with a variety of types of people. I feel like it is also helping me in my path to become President of the United States by building my charisma by talking to complete strangers. 

     On a final update-ish note, I'm happy with my life as of now. Somethings, like the air force, aren't looking too good for me but other things are really just where they need to be. And on my next post, which will be soon, I'll just do a normal post. Not an update. Sorry about all the formality.

Goal #88: Make a stop motion film

My first and only (so far) stop motion animation!

If you couldn't tell, I'm EXTREMELY excited about this!!!

(:

I'll be posting more of my artsy stuff when I get around to doing it, lol.

ENJOY!

:D

You never leave my mind

     I don't know how things are for you but when someone makes an impact on my life, I'm always thinking about them subconsciously. Generally, I go about my business as usual and then something triggers a single thought, which then turns into a series of thoughts about the particular person.
     For example, just yesterday I was wasting time at Barnes and Nobles; not looking for anything in particular, I stumbled across a copy of The Steampunk Bible. The thought that immediately followed my finding was, "Joey would love this." That lead to me thinking about the necklace that he gave me and how I rarely wore it, the necklace he purchased for one of his female friend's birthdays and how jealous I was about it, when he first introduced me to the whole theme of steampunk, how I wanted so badly to make him a real pair of leather steampunk goggles with his prescription lenses last summer. Then the thoughts seize and I continue to go about my business.
     When I begin to believe that someone is completely gone from my mind, which in itself should be proof that they are not, they reappear in the form of a physical object of some sort. My mind is just so wrapped around these people that have once been so important, and even those that are still just as important. I know that some people will say, "forget it, it was the past" but I the way I see it, the past was the present and the future at one point in time; therefore it's all important, it all matters, everyone matters.
     I'm absolutely grateful for those that are important in my life today, and I hope that they are there for tomorrow. I'm thankful for those people who are no longer willing participants in my life because, from them, I have learned many things.

We never know where the people in our life will end up,

 but just know that you'll never leave my mind.

Colorful thumbprints all over white walls

     On my drive home tonight I was thinking about my life and about what I'm going to do in the situations that have been presented to me. All that thinking lead to reflecting on the past and what I think I have meant to people; I came to the conclusion that I'm a colorful thumb print on everyone's white walls.
     My life is like a child: innocent yet reckless, naive yet cunning; but most of all, memorable. When I enter someone's life, I'm just a shy child. I don't say much and I don't do much but eventually that innocence fades and I become more comfortable. The more comfortable I get, the more I will be involved in someone and their life. (Be it friends, family, strangers, etc.)  Once I'm involved, I leave my mark; my reckless side comes out and finds the brightest of the tempera paints, it lathers its hands with paint, yet only leaves a single thumbprint.
     Then one day that person and their life leave mine, or vice versa, and they go on with their lives with a single thumbprint polluting their perfect white wall.

I'll be the unorthodox marking on your life.

Shall we get started?

Oh, the places you'll go

     Some days I just sit around thinking about how things could have been different, depending on my location. For instance, if I had moved to Virginia with my dad back in 2008,  if I would have gone back to Texas last summer, if we had moved back to Japan in 2002... things would have been impossibly different. So different, in fact, that I cannot even begin to fathom where I would be in this exact instance.

     The people who are in my life currently would have just been faces amongst the crowds of faces I see everyday, everywhere. It tears me apart to think of losing any of the people I hold so dear to me, but even more so to think that there could have been a possibility that I never met any of them in the first place. But I've come to the realization that if I had been different places in my life I wouldn't even notice the lack the people who are in my life now. I wouldn't have known them like I know them now, I probably would have had other people in place of them... It's an awful thought but it has always been a possibility, and will continue to be as long as decisions will have to be made.

      Then comes the matter of who I would be, would I be the same lovely little Passíon that I know today? With all I've gone through, I can answer with a  a definite "no." If my circumstances had been different, my experiences and life lessons would have be extremely different. I don't think that I would have had identical situations as I have had in this path that I've chosen; they might have been similar but I wouldn't have learned things the way I have up to this point in my life.
     Basically, I wouldn't have my life any other way because I love the people who take part in my life, I love the places I've been, the person I am, the ambitions I hold. There will be difficult decision to make throughout life but we can only choose, and hope we chose right.

Just remember to make your mark;

no regrets.

<3

Today, I tried

     I'm down to my last few days of my vacation in Texas, and tonight was the first night that we ate dinner at the table. My mother made this amazing vegetarian curry to cater the needs of my dear little Kasey, as she is visiting me while I am visiting in Texas (heehee).
    Nick---my mother's good friend and should-be-boyfriend---Kasey, my mother, and I all sat at the dinner table as we ate. (It was Nick's idea and I thank him for it.) Nick asked Kasey about when her parents split up and that ended up leading to my own parents' divorce. I was containing my words when Nick encouraged me to tell my mother what I was hiding, so I commenced.
     "What bothered me," I started, "was that you made Papa seem like an evil person." She got mad claimed that she had never said anything about my father in a negative manner which, of course, was a lie. I tried to explain it to her but she just continued to get louder and angrier, missing the whole point of me opening up to her.
     "Nevermind, I'm done with this conversation mom," I said as I finished eating my food. "Yeah, me too," she said in a furious agreement just before she ran off to smoke a cigarette. I put the dishes away then came up to the room to get online; which is why I'm here now, telling you about my dinner.
     Nick has good intentions but he just doesn't understand that I cannot have an honest, open relationship with my mother. (Not that I wouldn't want one...) It just will not work because she won't ever listen to a word I say. If I say something to express how I feel, she'll get overly defensive; almost as if I were attacking her with words. I don't know if this defense mechanism is because she wants to feel like she's a good mother or whatever, but if she would just listen things could be better.
     Today, I tried to open up and have an honest conversation with my mother, but that didn't happen. And it won't. Ever.

There's nothing more to us than the fact that we share genes.

/:

November on repeat

     I keep trying to put these past few days into words but honestly, there are none good enough. It's weird because I want to make this a story---but I can't. It's not a story until there is an ending and I don't see an end coming anytime in the near or distant future...

     I started this blog post exactly one week and a day ago and I still can't figure out a way to put my New Mexico visit into words. Here's all I can give you.

Goal updates 2!

Goal #30: Graduate high school

Salem High School graduate of 2011.

 No looking back!

(:

Goal #69: Model (again)

So this happened quite a while ago, but photos never came so I'll give you what I have.(:

 First off, you should know that the people at Salon Mosaic are amazing stylists! These wigs are their creation and I felt the need to express my complete and utter satisfaction with them. And yes, that is a link to their facebook page... they're just that good! If you're in the Virginia Beach area and need a new do... GO TO SALON MOSAIC!

<3

Before...

Phase One!

Complete, with red.

Gothic stripper? 

xD

We became Barbie dolls, I of the skeletal type.

Goal #14: Take up photography

 Abandoned asylum.

 Stella&Ricardo

<3

 Beauty under bridges

 This kid! 

:D

Fin.