Global Positioning System (GPS)

     I've been graduated from high school for over a year and my life still has no direction. I have no desire to do anything but leave this town. But how am I supposed to travel down any path when my internal compass is broken?
     On top of that, I have this tremendous fear of not enjoying the world as I am now. I need to experience what world has to offer, in my youth and freedom. I can't see myself being tied to any place for too long. I just can't. I'm too young to settle down and too fickle to decide what direction I would want to continually pursue. I don't believe in the whole, "go to college and do your basics" business. I feel like it would more of a waste of time than what I'm currently doing.
     I just don't fit into the cookie cutter molds that American society has created for people of my age, but upon hearing the progress and success of others', I freak out even more knowing that my life is floating on a stagnant steam to nowhere.

I need to leave this city, I won't find my passion here.

But where do I begin?

Lack of focus

     It was difficult to wrap my mind around work last night because I've been so consumed by the most recent dream I had. The dream was long and I don't care to get into any detail about it, but the thing that made the dream so terrible is that it reflected my real life fear.
     I'm afraid that someone will fall in love with me, not because they want to but rather, because the person who was their initial object of their affections cannot or will not love them.
     It hurts to feel like I'll never be more than second best to anyone, even in my dreams. That the person to whom I devote my time and efforts to would prefer to have someone other than me, to feel like my love is just a fallback plan...
     I woke up, still screaming and crying about how I couldn't handle it. How I couldn't stand to be number one if there was a number two. How I couldn't bear to hold anyone back from who they really wanted to be with.
     I'm terrified of having no one beside me...

But then here I am, alone.

I've got battle scars

     You can only keep fighting for so long until you lose. And now that I've been on the ground kicking, for seems like a second lifetime, it's time for me to give it a rest.
     We're taught to never give-up... But sometimes you gotta have sense enough to live. It was a good fight but some battles aren't meant to be won.
     I'll always care about the people I fought so hard to keep around. Though in the end the battle wasn't lost because I didn't try, it was lost because I was too concerned with trying to protect he who I was fighting.

My only viable option is to heal my wounds and carry on.

♥

Words exchanged

     This was was "bye." Not even "goodbye." I don't even know how to put my thoughts into words. I'm sorry for this pitiful post.

An elderly mind

     As I was driving home from work today, I came to the conclusion that my mind is old. I mean, I've come to this conclusion before but this time the thought persisted. Enough to make me want to blog about it. I was subconsciously taking note of how I respond to people in certain situations, specifically of the love/like category, and I felt like my responses were somewhat inappropriate for one of my position.
     For example, a co-worker of mine has a crush on me. While helping this co-worker clean another co-worker's table, a little boy passed by, waved, and thanked me. After the boy left, I stated that, "Little kids are the cutest things ever." So the co-worker with the crush said, "I could say the same thing about you." I know he meant that in the sweetest way possible but my mind perceived it as humorous. It was as if I was this woman, so much older than he, listening to a teenage boy's attempt to compliment the prettiest girl in class.
     This whole "elderly mind" thing is pretty funny though, given that I'm blessed (or cursed) with the structure of what many believe to be a twelve-year-old girl. A mind so old in a body so young... It must be mockery of some sort! For what happens when my mind passes? Am I left? Or am I just a beautiful shell, left to rot? Or does the state of my mind determine the fate of my body? Quite possibly, it is the other way around.

Regardless, I am Passíon and will remain as such until my mind grows too weary to carry on.

The best advice

     I was back tracking on my blog posts and came across this post. It's amazing how relevant it is to my life right now and amazing how so much has changed again. I am no longer in the state of bliss that I have been for the past two weeks. Somethings are too good to be true, like the relationship I had with Robert.
     I feel like this happened for a reason, though. Like there's some major life lesson that I haven't learned within the past three years. I refuse to become one of those people who ask, "why does this always happen to me?" Because the answer is within myself, and within my actions.
     I am going to take the best advice I've received, the advice I gave myself back in February. I'm going to do things differently than I have in the past three years because it is obvious that it's not working, nor has it ever worked. And as much as I'd love to just sink back in, fight, and hold hope for what I thought I had, I can't. I can't keep holding myself back from what the universe has in store for me because of how much I care about someone, how much I love someone.

Letting go is never easy,

but I know it's what I have to do.

I love you.

Bye.

Happy Birthday In Advance

     I was going through my mother's computer and found a story I had written in my junior year of high school. I'm posting it not for the subject matter of the story, but for the way it was written and to show how it contrasts my life currently. It's always interesting to look back and see what was on my mind and in my heart. I'm beginning to go off on a tangent, so here you go. Enjoy.

 Happy Birthday In Advance

     It was June of Summer 2009; I remember making a photo album of memories for Joey and I. It was pretty simple; a blue photo album with the first flower he ever picked for me where the cover photo should be, our names spelled out in black stickers. Originally, I intended to save the photo album for July 23rd: Joey’s eighteenth birthday. Though, that changed when June 19th came around.
     On June 19th, 2009, I hung out with some friends I had been neglecting. We went to the Mayan Palace to watch Transformers 2, even though I didn’t want to see it. While I was at the movies, Joey was out with his girlfriend at the time, Riley. My friends and I were having a great time and I was actually enjoying the film. The movie ended at 1:01 am the next day and I chuckled, “Hey guys! Guess what time it is!” when no one replied, I continued, “It’s Juan o’ Juan! Ha, ha, ha!” It was getting late so Raymond drove me back home and I was curious as to what Joey was doing.
     “Hey, what’s up?” I texted, awaiting Joey’s reply. “This day could not get better!” I thought, satisfied with the day’s events. But the way he responded was stiff and awkward. “You’re acting different. What happened?” “We had a great day together, Riley and I. I want to give her another chance,” he replied, “I’m sorry, but you understand. Right?” It tore me to pieces because it wasn’t just a text, it felt like so much more. I could hear him say, ‘I’m sorry’, I could see the furrowed brow as he uttered ‘but you understand. Right?’ I closed my eyes and felt the hot tears run down my cheeks; I looked through the photo album, and decided that something needed to be done.
     “Hey ma, you hungry?” My mom asked. I wiped my tears away then said, “Yes mom. Can you make me something?” She left my room to make food that I was hardly hungry for. I needed a plan and I needed one fast; but I became distracted when, after an hour, my mom still hadn’t come tell me that the food was ready. I stood up from where I sat on my bed and walked from my bedroom into the kitchen, only to find the food still cooking and my mother asleep at the computer. I took the food of the burner, turned it off, then went to tell my mom that she should go to bed. She just shooed me away and on my way to my room, I checked the cable converter box as the time read 4:07 am. I couldn’t help but want to leave.
     “I need to see Joey, I need to talk to him,” I thought. He lived in an apartment complex on West Military Drive and I lived in a subdivision called Sky Harbour, a couple miles away. I’d ask myself, “How would I get there? What would I tell my mom? Would I just leave? What about the graduation party later in that evening?” Then the arguing would commence, “You’re going to get killed Passíon! You’re going to get hurt. What about your mom? Your thought process is illogical! What are you doing? Stay here!” Finally, against my own conscience, I decided I was going to flee from my home.
     Quickly, I packed my little backpack with a notebook, the photo album, my cell phone, a pen, and my house keys. As I left the house, the front door would not lock; that should’ve been enough to convince me to stay home but I refused to stop. I ran and ran until I’d see a vehicle, then I’d slow down out of paranoia. I was sure that my mom would come find me, but after a while I calmed down and hurried off to the apartment.
     I continued to run, on the burn of adrenaline, until I reached the little playground outside of Joey’s apartment window. I was cold but sweaty, my hair was a frazzled mess, I was dressed in pajama sweats and a large t-shirt, the adrenaline ceased to pump. It was a silly reason that I was out here, trying to fulfill Joey’s fantasy of having a sexy girl waiting for him out on this playground. I sat down on the slide and pulled my cell phone out of my bag; the time was 6:20 am. I dialed the ten digits that made up Joey’s number, and luckily he answered. “Hello?” He answered, obviously tired and confused. “Joey, look outside,” I said softly, trying hard to confine the tears I so longed to release. I watched the window until I saw one of his hands pull the blinds sown just enough to peek out to what he hadn’t expected. “What are you doing?!?” Joey exclaimed, concerned, “Come up here right now!” The tears began like sprinters at a track meet right after the sound of the gun. “Okay…” I managed to whisper. I hung up the phone and proceeded to the front door of the apartment, which was already wide-open when I got there. “You know, you’re lucky I needed to pee. Otherwise, I’d be asleep. So tell me…” the questions pressed on, “What are you doing here? How’d you get here? Are you okay?” In silence, we walked into Joey’s room and from there, everything happened.
     I sat on the floor closest to the room’s entrance while Joey sat on his bed, looking at me with eager eyes. I kept my glance up in an effort to prevent runaway tears and as I hugged my backpack, I began to speak.
     “I was going to save this for your birthday but I feel like you should see it now. You need to see it now before it’s too late…” I opened up the little backpack and pulled out the simple blue photo album. “I’ve collected many things that we’ve done together; notes I’ve written, little nick-knacks, movie tickets… you know, little things. I don’t know, I mean, it’s not amazing  but it is something that I put a lot of time and effort into. Something to show you how much I love you. Something that we can finish together, hopefully.” I handed Joey the blue photo album with the first flower he ever picked for me where the cover photograph should be, and I watched silently as he flipped the pages one by one. I saw the change in his face as he went from worry and tired confusion to simple delight. He looked up at me from the simple blue album and smiled. I turned my head to see his alarm clock change from 6:26 am to 6:27 am; arguably the longest sixty seconds in the history of time.
     “You know, you’re the only girl who does these kinds of thing for me,” Joey said calmly, “Just, just come here.” I sat by him on the bed and he kissed me. My eyes felt like bad plumbing because they’d leak endlessly; no matter how hard I tried to stop, it was utterly impossible. Joey wiped those tears from my face like morning dew being swept off of grass, then he told me to lay down. “You’re not going to run off back to your house, just stay here,” he commanded, “Okay?” I thought about leaving but suddenly, Joey’s arms were around me   and I was sound asleep.
     We woke up at around three o’ clock in the afternoon of June 20th, 2009. We began discussing the events that had recently occurred. “Why’d you come all the way over here? I thought you could handle it, you told me yourself. I thought you wanted me to make the decision on my own,” Joey asked, somewhat confused.
     “You’re right, I thought I could handle it when I said I could but I wasn’t expecting it to hurt this much. I mean, I’ve known that I loved you for quite a while now but, well, it felt like being broken up with. Except it was not just any break up, but more like the utmost important person leaving your life.”
 The sobs began as I pushed to continue, “I ran all the way over here from my house, against my better judgment. Maybe we’re not supposed to be together, I don’t know but I need to show you that you’re not just anyone to me. You’re not just ‘some boy’. You’re Joey and I love you. I knew you were important the day we met; I felt it in my bones then and I still feel it to this day.” I paused, sighed, then looked up at Joey.
     “I don’t do the things I do to convince you to be mine,” I continued, “I do them to show you that I love you, that I care about you. I ran over here this morning because I knew that if I didn’t, my crying would have made a scene at your graduation party. I don’t want to be a problem or a burden and I’d hate to impose… I just need you to see that, well, I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’ll always be here. Even if as only a friend, I need you in my life because you’ve changed it so much. I can’t lose you; not without a fight, in the least. I know I’m not really good at explanations but in the most simple way I can put it; I love you. I don’t know any other way to convey it.” I stopped, took a breath, and glanced over at Joey.
     “Wow,” he began, “I don’t know what to say but I do understand you. Look, it’s getting late. We should get ready for the party…” “Okay,” I said thoughtfully, “Just please think about what I said. Let’s go.”
     We left to my house so I could get dolled up for the party. I showered and put on my newest outfit: a cute green and white sundress with blue and yellow flowers all over. I walked in to the living room to look for my shoes, only to find Joey awestricken. “You look amazing,” he said. “Thank you,” I smiled, “Well let’s go, shall we?”
From then on things were different and they always would be. But if you think that is the end, you are sadly mistaken. This story has just begun.

This was me wanting all of that, all of Joey.

But that story has ended and an even more beautiful story has begun.

It's a little bit funny, isn't it?

~

Mario Party 7

     I'm sitting in the room that used to house my video games while Chris scrolls through Reddit on his phone. I can't help but think of what a great place I am in my life, though things have changed. I'm excited for the future but am enjoying everyday I have right now.

     I just turned in my high school transcripts to Northeast Lakeview College and it was the weirdest mix of emotions for me. I was excited to be taking steps to do something new with my life but at the same time I was freaking out at being at the mercy of someone else. I don't like not know how to go about things and I definitely do not like not being in control of situations. I'm all about not "imparing my future self" just in case I am the only person I have in the future... I doubt that though. Especially with the way that things are going between Robert and I.

      His visit here was just magical.<3 Jena and I took him on a Tuesdaycation to Rockport, we went to Andy's bachelor party, I taught him how to make a origami crane... well, I tried.(x I don't know how to put this visit in words... It wasn't the "perfect" that I had envisioned... It was even better! It was just amazing; having this person whom I love so much, sitting on my bed.

     I don't know what else to say without getting all mushy and junk. (I'm saving that for another day, be prepared. Ha ha!) Life is just grand! :D
     I have a boyfriend that has me just as completely as I have him, I have a good job, I'm going to be attending college in the near future... I have no complaints except that Mario Party 7 is kicking my ass, but hey! Whose ass isn't Mario Party 7 kicking?

Further than we were but not as far as we want to be

     Hello there, Blogger world. I've missed your company quite a bit. I've been on twitter all the time but it's just not the same as this. It's quicker and easier, but 140 characters could never replace the feeling I get when I blog.

     I see there's been a lot of cosmetic changes to Blogger and I can only hope that they do not keep me from continuing to post on a regular basis. (Which I soon hope to reestablish.) The only thing I hope to do now is update you on my position in life, along with other related events.




     As I type this I am sitting on the floor of my bedroom, leaning up against my bed with my feet touching the dresser in front of me. My room is finally clean and the carpet finally free of random piles of paper and crafts. The only thing that remains in disarray is my dresser top, full of scatter items collectively entitled "miscellaneous."
     Across the hall are the sleeping quarters of my dear friend, co-worker, and roommate Jena. She'll have been here three weeks Tuesday. That's relatively new, having a roommate. It's not weird at all and it makes things a lot easier since I wrecked my vehicle a while back during what I like to call a Tuesdaycation.
     The vehicle is not much to talk about so here's the run-down: On the way to the beach for Tuesdaycation. Bad/distracted/scared driving. Veering into the road. Over-correction. Landing in a ditch. The damage to the vehicle plus existing problems make the vehicle not worth repairing. Sell it to a salvage yard for about half a grand. No human injury, just life experience. Life goes on.
     Tuesdaycation was a thing "the guys" (who no longer attend) and I came up with. Do you recall this post? Justin and Mark, those are "the guys." I had randomly decided to invite them to go to Corpus with me and would just pick a place and go for all of Tuesday. It's a pretty cool concept actually, to just leave to world behind you for one day a week. It's something I try to do often. Jena has be my co-pilot for these adventure at for at least a month and a half now.
     My plans have changed to a certain degree now that I have to invest in a new vehicle. My overall plans are the same but they just have been pushed back a year. And in the year I am to stay in Texas, I'm going to attend a community college (or take online course) to have some education on my record for when I apply to SUVA later on. I've been moved to the morning shift at IHOP, for good. Which is exciting as it's the shift that makes more money, overall. (Today I made $111 and even got bored sometimes...) I hope to have a new vehicle by the end of the summer, but I can hold off until the end of the year if necessary. I think that if I take online courses that I'll be more motivated to blog as well. I'm not as easily distracted as most are on the computer.
     On a final note, I'm excitedly (yet patiently) awaiting more details as to Robert's visit. The dates are all I need to know so I can take days off to spend with him. I'm extremely enthralled because it will be the first time he's ever been in my room in the two and a half years that we've known each other. The idea of him being in this space that's just so.... completely mine, makes me happy and nervous all the same. It just has to be perfect, or well... I want it to be.

     Well goodnight Bloggers and Blog-readers, see you around the bend.~

The first time we said goodbye

     It must have been the second or third day in January of two-thousand and ten; I had known you for two weeks short of two months. My winter vacation in Virginia was at its end and it was time for me to make my way to the airport terminal that would take me to my home city of San Antonio, Texas. I called you, knowing very well that it would be our last conversation ever.
     I was hungry and I rambled on about how I wanted a cinnamon roll after passing by a coffee shop that was nearing closing. Shortly after finding the correct terminal, I returned to the coffee shop and purchased that delicious smelling cinnamon roll. It was cold and terrible and you got such an earful of it. It was silly, but it was with you...
     After I threw out the cinnamon roll, our conversation got a little bit more serious. We talked about how it would be to say "I love you" for the first time in person, even though that was never going to happen. We told each other everything that we thought we were never going to get an opportunity to say. The phone call ended with our first "I love yous" and what was supposed to be our only goodbye.

     Just a couple of days before, you had sent me one of those annoying text message forwards. It had said something along the lines of, "Send this to anyone who has made you smile this past year (2009) I'm happy to have you in my life, etc, etc, etc." I've never been the type to forward anything but you made me forward that one to you. I guess it's because we were there, watching the end approaching, and knowing that there was nothing to be done. 

     We hung up and my heart sank. It didn't make sense for me to miss you so much after one month, two weeks, and "x" amount of minutes; and in all that time I had only spent time with you twice...

*

*

*

*

*

But maybe it's not supposed to make sense.

 Because two and a half years later,

it still doesn't.

And we haven't said goodbye for good.

<3

Mankie and Grampy

     First off, please forgive me for not staying on track, I'm just typing what my brain says is right. This post is a really personal an heartfelt one regarding my Grandparents, two amazing people that I know I wouldn't be here without.<3



     Grampy and I have always clashed heads, always, but I love and respect him so much because he's got a really big heart for a stubborn old man. If you ever need anything, my Grampy is there with his arms wide open ready to take you in---no questions asked. The only reasons he would turn anyone down are 1.) You took him for a fool and took advantage of the help he was giving you, or 2.) You disrespected God, Grampy himself, or anyone who he respects or holds dear. He will tell you everything you need to hear because he's been around the block and knows how things happen. And even though he doesn't have text messaging or facebook, he knows that people and the situations they put themselves in aren't much different from then and now.
    Today Grampy told me a mini-story that went something like this:

"John at work told me that he didn't want to become close friends with me because every time he gets close to someone, they end up leaving. Well I told him, 'Look John, my friends are forever. If someone leaves my life, it's not because they're choosing to leave; it's because I'm kicking them out. No real friend will just leave.'

     It seemed so innocent, hearing "my friends are forever" from such a worn soul; and at the same time it warmed my heart because he cared. He really cared.

     And then my Mankie... she's just fantastic. I don't know anyone who doesn't just love Mankie. She's so nice and sweet and as hospitable as can be! She compliments Grampy very well, as she's more loving and nurturing and he's more stern and direct. Mankie is like all the Bluebonnets growing in Texas, beautiful and you want them to always be around, just seeing them makes you happy. For me, seeing Mankie is like being home, whether I just saw her two minutes ago or two years ago. She's the one who will kiss your boo-boo right where it hurts.

     As a child I grew up with Mankie and Grampy running the show. On major holidays when the entire family would come down, Mankie and Grampy's was the place to be. All meals and events were planned to a T without any pen or paper; everything was made on time, everyone went to sleep on time,
everyone was showered and ready on time. What Mankie and Grampy said was law and no one ever questioned it because we all knew that nothing good would come of it. When Grampy told the grandkids to clean the Florida room, we did without so much as a breath in the wrong direction. It was the way things worked in the Alderete house and how they always will.

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*

*

     I was about halfway to my grandparent's house today, when the image of my Mankie and Grampy not being able to walk hit me like a brick wall. I started crying uncontrollably because seeing them incapable of doing anything was not how I've seen them all my life. And even as they are slowing wearing down each day, I still remember them like I did all those years ago, and how I'll remember them forever.

<3

     I've been meaning to blog for a while because there's been a lot on and off of my mind lately. ...It feels good to finally have the time to sit here and let my fingers touch the keys.(:

Well first off, enjoy some photos!

I saw this video on Youtube,

where the girl rolls her hair, like so,

and mine came out pretty good. :3

 Side view.

Entire outfit.

 Face shot.

The very next day.

I like how I can change my style over night.

(:

A customer left me a tip in Pi.

:D

 How I proved to Roger that I was gonna visit him!

xD

 In my Mankie's front yard.

So pretty;<3

 The dress and shoes I'm gonna wear to Robert's prom!

I'm so excited!

:D

But I'm still not sure whether I should wear glasses... 

...or not!

     Anyhow, I found this notebook I used to write in all the time back in 2008 and dang! Wasn't that something? It's odd how much I haven't changed. I mean, I was a lot more childish then (which makes sense) but overall I've always been who I am today.

     It really surprised me to read so much about Joey because I can look back at our relationship and feel absolutely nothing. I've completely forgotten the feeling of being head over heels in love with him. I think I remember but then I know that I'll never know that feeling how I used to know it, which isn't necessarily a bad thing but I really don't care.

     Speaking of Joey though, we got in an argument a couple of weeks ago about S, Joey's girl-to-be, and why our relationship failed. If you follow my twitter, you might have noticed some of my tweets being about some one copying me; those were about S. As you can infer, she was essentially trying to be as Passíon as possible. (And I can assure you that I'm not being cocky.)

     It started with S's bio which was way too similar to my "I breathe, I blog, and I play neopets. Woo for the weirdos." S's bio was something like, "I live. I love. I blog. I laugh. I play random neopets. Yay for the unordinary." It freaked me out... and that was just the beginning.

     Eventually she tweaked her bio a bit, but it was still essentially the same thing. She followed my account but she never retweeted any of my tweets; instead, she would type the same tweet but change a few words. -_-" For example I tweeted: "If I can't tell someone everything, why bother telling them anything?" Then a while later, S tweeted, "Why bother telling some one anything, if there's no trust?" You can see how that is obviously derived from my initial statement, yes?

     Then comes the good part! The point where she changes her profile to look almost identical to mine, she posts a photo of the letters that Joey and his family wrote to her, and then after Joey and I get into the argument, her friend D goes on her twitter and says, "My name is D and ive been using my friends account and have been pretending to be her. Sorry." and "Worst thing a person can do is go behind her best friends back and post her private life where it doesnt belong." 

     Meh. Stupidity. I guess I should be flattered to the extent of which she tried to portray me and then give a terrible front. I'm just easily creeped out, I suppose.

     Other than that minor upset in my road, I'm doing quite swell! I'm really excited because I'm going to be seeing Robert soon! In two weeks actually! (And then three weeks after that!) I don't think I was this excited to go to prom when I was in high school.(x 

     At work, if I smile out of nowhere my co-workers are like, "Yes Passíon, WE KNOW you're excited to see Robert!" And I really am, I've never had him over at my house before! I'm set on having everything perfect. Teehee. :3

Life is good and there's so much more ahead! Until next time~!

There's hope yet

     I think I've been right all along; I'm stubborn at times, but this time I feel like I'm right. I've never been more determined than I am right at this instant. It's such an amazing feeling...
     I feel it in my heart and in my mind, they're finally in agreement! There's no "possible scenarios" playing in between them or one covering up the beliefs of the other. My mind and heart are at peace with one another, and we're preparing for what lies ahead.
     My plans aren't changing, I'll be out of here in a matter of months. I'm excited and it's almost impossible to contain this feeling! But you'll see world. You will see!

Math

     Do you remember the last few minutes I spent with you? I'm crying like I was then, but at that time, I buried myself in your arms. In between my sobs, I apologized for crying and I told you that I loved you. I asked you to thank your mom for everything because she had done so much for us, I really appreciated everything. We kissed and I shuffled off towards the airport security... that was in November.

     We haven't seen each other since.

.....and I fucking miss you.

But I can't be your friend.

 Because I wouldn't know where to draw the line.

So long my honey, goodbye my dear

      "You were everywhere, I swear." I've uttered that line to you so many times before, but it's always true. It's always true. Maybe it's just my mind putting you in places you didn't belong because you've always been hiding in the depths of my brain.
     Just this past Tuesday, you were everywhere. I don't remember every little thing that I saw that reminded me of you, but the one that hit me hardest was this store called Paper Bear. At a quick glance, I read "Papa Bear," one of my nicknames for you, and had to take a second look to make sure that I wasn't seeing things. But of course, I was. And though it was subconsciously, I placed you there.
     I thought about you today and other past relationships, trying to find the point from which things turned from fantastic to terrible. Then I thought about how much I can't stand the thought of being your friend; I couldn't understand how you could be so cool about it, when it saddens me so much.
     Just then I realized what a hypocrite I was to be so taken aback by your desire to remain friends. After all, I had done the exact same thing you're doing to me to someone who was in the position I'm in. I felt like a complete jerk to have broken up with someone, found someone else, and expected the person I just broke up with to be my friend. I finally understand not being friends with your exes, FINALLY.
     Well, you're happy now and I'm happy for you, but I can't continue to be in your life right now. I can't be friends with someone who I put so much into to have none of that reciprocated. It's selfish, I know, but it's only to better myself. To make myself stronger than yesterday. To make room for someone who will share the same feelings. You didn't love me like I loved you, and I can accept that. I just can't be your friend anymore. Maybe later when I can accept that you're off in your own world and I'm here in mine, but for now goodbye.

Gonna Get Along Without You

(By: She & Him)

"Uh huh, hmm hmm
Gonna get along without you now
Uh huh, hmm hmm
Gonna get along without you now

You told me I was the neatest thing
You even asked me to wear your ring
You ran around with every girl in town
You didn't even care if it got me down

Uh huh, hmm hmm
Gonna get along without you now
Mhm mhm, hmm hmm
Gonna get along without you now

Got along without you before I met you
Gonna get along without you now
Gonna find somebody who is twice as cute
'Cause you didn't want me anyhow

You told everybody that we were friends
But this is where our friendship ends
'Cause all of a sudden you even changed your tune
You haven't been around since way last June

Uh huh, hmm hmm
Gonna get along without you now
Got along without you before I met you
Gonna get along without you now

So long my honey, goodbye my dear
Gonna get along without you now

Uh huh, hmm hmm
Gonna get along without you now
Got along without you before I met you
Gonna get along without you now

So long my honey, goodbye my dear
Gonna get along without you now"

SDB

     Please excuse my tardiness, but this post is about my extremely fantastic friend Bryant, or as I refer to him on my blog, SDB. SDB is awesome. He's put up with a lot of my shenanigans and given me a lot of good advice (that I usually completely ignored, lol). He is a part of my Carl (car) since he was the previous owner. We've spent a good chunk of the 2010-2011 year together doing some of the most random things, as depicted on the following photos of the napkin I drew for him! SDB is great and I'm lucky that he stuck around even though I've made terrible decisions and made him quite furious at me. He's the best of the best and I'm glad he's still my friend right now, and hopefully tomorrow too! I love you Bryant, Brad, SDB. :D

This is the full monty, above.

All others are just closer photos.

(:

  

Your days are numbered, as are mine

     My life has been filled with a lot of randomness lately, in an extremely good way. I've met so many people and done so much that it's baffling. I'll try to do this chronologically but I can guarantee nothing, my days have been quite a mess.

     My friend Leo and I finally had the opportunity to hang out because I got off of work early, so we decided to meet at McDonald's. I got there first and as I was waiting for Leo's arrival, I noticed these guys with longboards. I freaked out, internally, as a result of the excitement of seeing someone else with a longboard in this state of Texas. I approached them, asked where they boarded and then went on my merry way back to the table I had be sitting at.     After they had placed their orders one of the guys, whose name is Justin, asked if it was okay for he and his friends to join me. I agreed and they proceeded to tell crazy stories about things that had happened to them in the near past. I don't think I really talked much at that point, but Leo arrived shortly after.
     We sat there talking for a while and at some point we decided to go have a jam session back on the UTSA campus. It was quite epic. Leo was on the saxophone and Justin on the piano, it was simply amazing. I felt all lame because mariachi music fit in there nowhere. >_< Oh well.

     Leo ended up leaving around one in the morning and I stayed and chilled with the guys until six in the morning, ha ha. (I stayed out so late so my mom wouldn't be home when I got home.) I talked to Riley about life and the world around us until six; at which point he walked me to my car so I wouldn't get lost, ha ha. I gave him a ride back to the campus and then I proceeded in the direction of home. 

     I also had a sausage and cheese McGriddle.<3 Nom nom nom, :3 I don't know if I'll ever see those guys again, but I'm thinking of inviting them to Corpus or Austin next Tuesday. We'll see how that goes.

    For the past couple of days I've had to pull doubles at work, it's left me pretty exhausted but I got to experience a whole other world during graveyard shift, it gets to a point where it's almost serene. One night I worked from three pm to six am; and there was a point where I felt like I had done this many times before. It was almost scary. I don't know how else to explain it... but things have gotten back to normal mostly except that I'm getting a new job at Spaghetti Warehouse. All that means is I'll have to change my hours at IHOP and I'm sure they'll be okay with that, seeing as I do a lot for them.
     Yesterday was Valentine's day for me, because Taylor came to work and brought me a giant bear. :3 I love it and it smells so good, ha ha. Pawlie loves it too. It was nice because it was extremely slow at work and I got to just sit there and catch up with Taylor. She says she's gonna try to get a job at Wal-Mart. I hope she does so I can go harass her. xD I mean what else are friends for? Teehee.<3 I'm sure she'll appreciate it though.

     What did I tell you about me keeping things in chronological order? I totally forgot the whole taking my first break at IHOP ever, lol. Well yeah, Mike gave me like five bucks and I made this giant bowl at Genghis Grill. It was so epic and delicious! :3 And of course I took a photo of it. While I was at Genghis, this worker there stuck up a conversation with me about Pokémon because of my 3DS lanyard. It was really cool and he was very nice, nerdy too. Ha ha, but nerdy is a good thing in my opinion... *attempts to contain excitement over the upcoming release of Animal Crossing 3D* Teehee. :3

     I also forgot about the sprinkles! My brother and I went to IHOP on Sunday and I treated him to a burger. We had Candace as our server and left her a nice tip of like nine dollars. I don't remember how much exactly but it was more than enough for a eight-dollar ticket and two people. We hid the tip and I used sprinkles to point it out. Seeeeeeeeeeeeee? I thought it was pretty clever. P:
     I also took a photo while I was driving on the highway, totally not the safest thing to do but since it was late and rainy, very few vehicles were on the road. I think it's absolutely beautiful but maybe that's because I took it. P: I feel like it kind of represents how I felt then, like I know that everything is there and I'm grateful that I have it... but somehow I'm still a little bit sad, things are still a little bit dark. I don't know. Take what you will from it. (Oh and I tried to take it perfectly but after I would clear the window of drizzle, it would pollute the windshield as soon as I clicked the camera button. -_-" Ohhh weelllll.)
     Happy Mid-February everyone. I hope to be posting more often these days, but between two jobs and trying to maintain a wee bit of a social life... we'll see what happens!

XOXO,

Passíon<333

Enjoy these photos:

I will totally own this moped one day.

It's only like $1,200!

:D

I wanted this dress but Kasey said "Nay."

So I'm taking her word for it.

That is all.

Who are they to us anything?

     One of my favorite reasons for spending time with Eduardo is that he makes me think as if there were no box to think outside of, if that makes sense. I"m pretty good at analyzing the surface myself, but he makes me want to dig deeper.
     For example, I had begun to question the government's authority to tell every American to wear seat-belts. Who are they to demand that we be safe or, quite literally, "pay the consequences"? Who are they to forcibly "protect" you and I? Because in that small motion, we are losing so much more. It all comes down to Benjamin Franklin's famous words, "They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety."
     Who really cares whether you wear your seat-belt or not? It should be one of those common sense things that your parents teach you, one of those things you either take to heart or discard completely; not something that is forced into action.
     I say that it is unconstitutional of the government to require people to wear seat-belts. If cigarettes and alcohol are legal means of destroying yourself, why am I not allowed to choose whether I wear my seat-belt or not?
     The answer is simple, money. Why waste money on something like educating people about safe operation of a motor vehicle, when we can just fine them so we have money to clean them up when they die? And if they get in a wreck and didn't wear their seat-belt, we can just fine them again! Government one, people zero!
     What are we going to let them take next?

Also, this is interesting: http://www.thefreemanonline.org/featured/the-fraud-of-seat-belt-laws/

Exclamation mark

     Things have changed a lot. Again. As always. (Which is an oxymoron in itself since always means that something remains the same, yet I'm referring to changing. Funny.) I guess the universe had better things in place for Robert and I!

     So do you remember that date I mentioned having in this post? Well yeah! I think you can put two and two together and see what I'm getting at. ^_^

This is my boyfriend.

He's not cooler than you,

which makes him cooler than you.

How cool, eh?

(:

Living fog

     It was very foggy out as I left ihop to go home, but I wasn't scared. I wasn't afraid that I couldn't see more than a few feet in front of me. I was actually amazed at the beauty of it.
     The fog was life, right before my very eyes. Sometimes it would be so thick that I couldn't see an oncoming vehicle if I tried; just like the very life I'm living now. I can't see far into the future that isn't just me planning my next few actions or days.
     Then the fog would clear, momentarily, and I could see the road that lies ahead. But only for a split second, because life doesn't want us to know what we're going to be doing in the long run. We'll get those occasional glimpses to motivate us to get there, but not much more than that.

     "You'll get there when you get there," the fog whispers from above, "don't get too ahead of yourself or you'll miss what's right in front of you."

Thoughts about thoughts

     No, this isn't part two to that last post. There may never be a part two, but I guess we'll both find out in time. For now, these are my thoughts. Enjoy them, or don't.

     My mother thinks that I'm a slut because she doesn't know two of my male friends that have been in the house, because I don't always come home at a decent hour, because she thinks I'm like her. It's no use for me to keep crying over her opinions of me, she's going to think whatever she wants regardless of the truth.
     This happens when I think I've got things right. Someone, usually family, has to take a giant crap on everything I do and everything I aspire to do. I'm not only a slut to my mother, but a good-for-nothing mooch as well. Apparently because I'm working right now, I'm just going to do nothing for the rest of my life. It's annoying to be constantly put down even when I know that I have much more going on for me than she knows.
     I'm just a guest in this house of hers, she says. That if I don't abide by her rules and regulations that I need to find another place of residence. That she'll call my father and make him take my vehicle away from me for bad behavior. That I am pretty much nothing but nobody while living in this house.

     It's raining pretty bad outside and I want to take a walk; I'll have my Hello Kitty umbrella overhead and glasses on my face. I'll watch as the rain hits the concrete and think a thousand and one thoughts. I'll wish for Eduardo to be there with me, to listen to me as I ramble on and on about the nonsense that runs rampant in my mother's household. I'll close my eyes and sit criss-cross in the middle of the wet road, just wandering through the millions of files in the office called my brain...

Mini-vacation and lingering thoughts

     I've been back from my mini-vacation in Virginia for a couple of days now but a lot happened in the few days I was there. I got so see so many people that I miss and who had missed me back, I became the stereotypical male with the "not-really-diggin'-a-relationship" attitude... I don't know. It's all been so mind-blowing that I don't know where to begin but bear with me as I attempt to.

     I guess the beginning is as good of a place to start as any and my Virginia trip started with packing the night before. I left a few things here by mistake, like Kaden and Kasey's mom's Christmas presents but eh, I'll mail them sometime. The next morning one of my best friends, Chance; my ex co-worker, Chris; and Chris's friend, Troy saw me off at the airport. It was very sweet and fun and all that jazz. Chris and I have been talking-ish so I gave him a kiss and told him, "not yet" when he implied asking me if I wanted to be his girlfriend. I went about my business and slept 90% of both of my flights. It. Was. EPIC.
     When I got home, in Virginia, I hung out with my best friend in the whole wide world, Miss Kasey Smith. We spent a lot of time going through the boxes that held everything that used to make my room, my room. The boxes were terribly packed but Kasey and I managed to condense everything so I would be able to have them sent over to Texas. There was a very sad moment when I reread a letter that used to be the reason I woke up in the morning, it was from Robert. (And if know me or have been following my blog for a while, then you should know how much Robert means/meant to me.)
     I tried hard not to cry when I read "When you're ready just say, 'Okay Robert. I'm yours.'" But of course I failed. Let me get off topic for just a few seconds so that the reason that sentence made me cry makes more sense.

Remember my last blog post about being forgotten? Well yeah, I typed that out literally a few hours before Robert told me that he had found interest in someone else. How... strange the mind works, eh? All that means is that there is no Robert and Passíon in the forseeable future "and that's okay." Now we return to your regularly scheduled blog!

     I read that knowing that he was thinking of someone else these days and not me; it broke my heart because I had invested so much in making us work, in waiting because I love him, in every single thought... and he kind of just left me there. Suitcase in hand, ready to move in, and when I open the door he's having a jolly good time without me. It hurt. A lot.
     I texted him, "Okay Robert. I'm yours." To which he replied, "...|:" I tried to sleep that night but couldn't. I needed to talk to him because it wasn't fair. It wasn't fair for him to almost drop me because I had a date and expect me to be accepting of his new found interest.
     I called him and told him I needed to play magician again, that I needed to be away for a bit  in order to be more accepting of him liking someone else. He understood and I felt better the next day. I guess it was just one of those things I needed to say aloud for it to flee from my mind. We're friends again and that's fine and dandy, but it's kind of what got me into the sterotypical male attitude mood that I'm in now; which I will address as it comes in sequence.
     Day number two I went to school to have lunch with Kasey and her friends. I had a pretty nice conversation with the oh-so-hottttt Mr. Ferris. He ended up giving me his number and we planned on having lunch... but sadly that didn't turn out. *Sigh* I saw a lot of people that I've been missing while I was at school and I even managed to not see those who I didn't want to see. (WINNING!) I ended up going home after trying to get in touch with Zach and failing.
     Zach had just come down to Virginia Beach from Suffolk to visit... me mostly. A while later we ended up hanging out and ending up driving around with a bunch of people I hadn't seen since July. It was not what I expected since I was gonna hang out with Zach, but it was fun nonetheless. After the car ride my good ol' pal Bryant or as I have referred to him in past posts, SDB, took Kasey and I to the mall.
     On the way we talked of things such as the hottttttttness of Ferris, the memories associated with streets we passed, Trevor Demasco (because I saw him on the way to the mall and yelled, "HEY! THAT WAS TREVOR DEMASCO!"), and work-related relationships. The mall was fun even though it was just a mall, and SDB was a good sport about helping Kasey and I shop even though our main purpose for going to the mall was Chik-fil-a.
     At Chik-fil-a there was a very funny cashier named Nick, who helped us. He forgot a lot of our stuff so I wrote him a note and left him my number. In the note, I told him that he forgot my toy and my french fries, but that it was okay because Kasey said, "he was distracted by your beauty." It was pretty cool and I even got to take a picture of him with on of my four disposable cameras.
     Braynt took Kasey and I back home and he changed so he could go P.T. with the Marine recruiters and whatnot. After he left Kasey and I went to hang out with John, Jenay, and the rest of the badasses and John's house. (I'll have pictures when I get my camera developed, promise!)
    Nick texted me later and we all ended up going to the oceanfront, one of my favorite places in the world. I got on Kasey's longboard and hurried to the building that Zach and I conquered instead of going to prom. I got there long before anyone else and I just stared in awe, just last June this building was nothing but bones. I got sad and attack-hugged Zach when he and the others arrived. I cried into his chest and said, "That's not our building anymore." "Awh," he replied, saddened, "If I had a million dollars I would have bought it and told them to stop construction." We stayed like that for a little bit longer, before returning to the harsh reality that our building was no longer our building and would never be our building in the same sense again.
     I withdrew myself from his arms and wiped my tears away; the time to be sad was over and the fun was about to commence. We didn't do a lot but make some hot tea at 7/11 and loiter for a good thirty minutes before we got shooed off the premises. We took some more photos and enjoyed the company of each other until a little before midnight, seeing as most of us needed to be home by then. I said my adieus and made my way into slumber.

...I'll continue this post mañana as I need a bit of slumber.

Chou;<3

And that's okay

Sometimes you just forget...

...about me.

     I just know that you forget about me and I guess that's okay. I can't expect you to think about me as much as I think about you, I really can't expect even a "hello" these days. So I've stopped. I've stopped with my wishful thinking and waiting around for you to speak to me. I've tried talking to you but you have plenty other things to worry about without me in the picture, and that's okay. Honestly, it's okay; I understand. I know that I'm a handful and you're just better off concentrating on yourself for now. You don't have the time or memory to keep me satisfied... you'll just forget about me like you do every so often.

     And that's okay, everything is okay. I can live with you temporarily forgetting me and possibly forgetting me forever. It's okay. It's a new year and I've been such a part of your past that I would understand if you forgot my name and my appearance. I don't mind anymore because I love you, and that's okay---isn't it?

     I suppose you're happier now, you're standing on your own two feet with no reason to lean on me. There's no more Nancy so in turn there's no more me, and that's okay because I'd love for you to live the life you want to live. I'd love for you to remember not to forget about me, but for now you'll continue forgetting and I'll continue remembering for you.
     And that's okay, promise.

It's okay to stand alone sometimes.

Kasey and other things

     This photo above is of my best friend in the universe, Kasey Smith, and her boyfriend Mista Blaire (James), Below is my drawing of them. I apologize for not being able to draw males as well as females. T^T

     In a few short days I will be making my way to Virginia to visit my lovely best friend, my dad; Heather; and the dogs, and the rest of my friends.(: It's pretty exciting and all that jazz but there's so much more going on than that and I don't even know where to begin.

     I got mad because a co-worker decided to take some extacy before I took him home from work. I was really... taken aback. It made me sad to see him do something other that marijuana... but whatever I guess. I can't save everyone's lives. *Sigh* I wish getting "fucked up" wasn't cool because as much as they say everyone's not doing it, we know that they're wrong. The percentage of kids to young adults that abuse drugs is at a rise. 

     I've watched one of my closest friends change into someone so desperate and terrible... it just makes me sad to think that I've lost my friend not only to a girl, but the life of trying to get high at every turn possible. I don't know. I guess being one of the few that still don't do anything just makes every drug seem that much worse. 

I need to turn this post around.... behold! The largest omlette made at our IHOP and the cutest Cutie brand orange!

o.O

 :3

 I miss my bess frann

<|3

The difference between dreams and future reality

"They're not dreams, they're just not reality yet." -Passíon Neftali Leon

     I came up with that quote today when talking to co-workers about relationships and our futures. I was thinking about how I plan to go to SUVA in Tuscon and then I realized, that's no pipe dream of mine; that's reality to come. It's what I WILL do not just what I want to do. To me, dreams are something that change until they get to the point where you just know that they will be your future. I know where I'm going in life and I know what I want out of it too, all that's left is for it to actually happen.
     I'm so determined for my plans to unravel, even if they come out differently than expected. My quote applies to love as well; because even though I don't know how that will unfold for me, I know who I want and I'm not let them go without a fight or three-hundred.

     I've motivated myself so much that I bought a cork board and have started putting things that will be part of my reality to come. (I'll post of photo of it once I have it a little more filled out.) It's a way that I can visualize what I want and bring it to me ten-thousand fold, which is something mentioned in The Secret; an awesome read and a life changing book. But things are looking up despite my lack of certain things and certain people. I can be happy on my own knowing that I have an awesome reality to look forward to.

I Googled "night sky", chose this image, then edited it in picnik and added my quote.

It's at the center of my cork board.

(:

     Man, that is one awesome quote. I'd love it even if it weren't my own. Goodnight bloggers!~

Long talks with co-workers

     Chris didn't work today but he came to hang out because we were wayyy dead. I was training Ayman's brother to be a server. (I don't know how to spell or say his name, sorry!) Anyhow, Ayman's brother and I were having some nice conversation and then Chris and I started talking about where we are with the people that we love, and how sometimes we freak out when a short period of time feels like an eternity.
     He made a good point when he said that doubt is just the universe testing your desire of the person who receives your love. I was taken by surprise by that because everything has to be so much more complicated than that for me. It really makes sense though! I mean, I know that Robert's world can't revolve around me at this point because he has so much more to focus on, and the universe is testing to see whether or not I can handle the wait without him; which I can and WILL.

     In other news, I finished my table lamp, it's pretty awesome! I used glow-in-the-dark paint but when I tried taking a picute of it, it didn't show up. (Sorry guys, I really wanted to show y'all!) But enjoy what photos I do have to share!

 Instead of using computer paper,

 I found a clear box and traced the flowers off my bedspread again.

 I cut them around their outlines and taped them onto the lamp.

Then I went around the stencils with glow-in-the-dark fabric paint.

I did the insides of the flowers freehand.

 This is the lamp unlit.

 This is the lamp lit, lol.

This is what I had to cure my sickness today.

A hot cup of Earl Gray with cinnamon; sugar; and honey,

a glass of orange juice,

and Chicken and rice soup.

NomNomNom!

:3

     Also, you'll notice the new Twitter box and follow by e-mail over there to the right. If you follow my blog but don't have a blogger (and don't want one) there are two new ways for you to stay updated! I will post a link from this blog on twitter just as I finish posting. So keep in touch, kids! Love yah!