No one tells you to start, you just do. You continue to do until you are told to stop, or you get caught, or you just can't handle it anymore that you make yourself stop. Even then, you might not stop. But what I am talking about is the simple human need to be given closure... Well not even that... How do I phrase this? I'm not really sure but I'll try.
Of all the complexities in the universe, the most trival seem to do that most impact. I hate how looking at certain thing brings a silent tear to my eye or ignites a fury of anger. I don't bottle it up and yet I still do, if you understand what I mean. There are just somethings that I feel better blogging about than saying. I'm not a very good speaker at all, but I'm determined.
I hope and I wish that I will be able to get everything I want out of life but I know that it won't happen. I know that every little thing I want is contradicting another desire and another and another... I trudge through this swamp called life and I feel cursed. I have everything and nothing all at once and it's killing me. I don't want to have everything, I want to push it all away and be alone.
I don't know why I am cursed with such a likable personality. I don't want all these people because every single one of the affects me. Every single person is important and it's too much to handle. I guess I make these people important but it's not something that can be easily stopped. It festers and it grows until it becomes a love for all these people, these people who I want to make happy. But I can't. I can't make everyone happy because thier wants and desires clash with each other's and my own.
What people don't see is that I'm not the happy person I pretend and want to be, I am not. I am not suffering from heart-break or death. I'm suffering with myself. I have to be around me all the time and sometimes, I just can't stand me. I will walk into a situation with a goal in mind and walk out with nothing accomplished. I shy from my decisions a lot because I am so easily persuaded.
I have such blind faith in humanity that it tears at my heartstrings. I want for people to be good, I want for people to do right, and I believe that they can. I trust people too much, I just do. I guess that's one of my flaws. I wish I had the audacity to just stop. To actually do what I tell myself I will. To stand up not only for myself and my beliefs, but for others' as well.
