My heart said to my brain, "I told you so!"

     A few days ago I was going to blog about how sometimes, you have to use your brain to convince your heart that things are going to be alright... but I was mistaken. When your brain has to convince your heart something,  you are only cheating yourself. Your heart knows when things are wrong even before your brain realizes it. Well, that's how it goes for me anyway.
     You see, a few days ago Robert lost his necklace with the cute dog tag I put on it. If you know me at all or have read this post, then you know exactly why I knew something was wrong the moment he told me. If you haven't read the post then allow me to explain; if you have read the post or know me well, you can skip ahead to the next paragraph. If someone gave me an object, say a bracelet, and that bracelet just did not stay on; I would believe that our friendship was on the brink of ending and I am the one holding us together. You know what I mean? That's how my heart knew what my brain ignored.

     At the end of the day my heart said to my brain, "I told you so!" I'm no longer at war with myself over what might happen or what's supposed to happen. My brain, heart, and I are all content waiting alone, together. (If that makes sense...) We're waiting on Robert's heart to convince his brain that it's okay, the three of us won't hurt him like other hearts, brains, and people have before. :3

Now that I have drawn this, I can sleep. 

Please excuse the hands.

"I guess you can say that I miss you..."

This song.

That is all.

Everyone else

     Sometimes I wonder how important I am to everyone else. Do the people that I have high on the scale of importance think of me on the same level? Or am I not as important? The reason I've been thinking about this so much is because I feel like I've been placed on the back burner of everyone else's life. It's understandable, there are other things to focus on in the world besides me, but I'm being selfish. I want someone to talk to, someone to listen, someone to hang out with, someone to be my friend...
     It feels like I have none of that, these days. All my good friends are far away and the so-called friends that still talk to me just use me for advice or because they need a ride. Then there's co-workers but I just feel disconnected from them... And the person who I need most is caught up in so much that it's almost as though he's gone./:
     Things seem better for everyone else I know but that's just me having unnecessary self-pity. And just a month ago I was grateful for the place I was in life. Not much has changed except circumstance... But things will improve, I'm sure. I just have to be patient.

Self-isolation

     I don't mean to cut myself off from everybody but I always end up alone. Even at work when I'm surrounded by people, I somehow manage to be sitting somewhere by myself or so focused on my work that I don't pay attention to my surroundings and the people in them.
     I feel like the loser of the swing-shift ihop servers because my co-workers like me, but it feels like they aren't really my friends. I miss jokes and I don't understand some of the things they do. I get left out of a lot of things because I get really focused on my work when I need to...
     And even right now, I could be texting any number of people... but I don't. I just continue to be alone and make myself feel like a nobody for whatever reason. It just seems that the more I try to hold on and understand, the more everything and everyone starts slipping away.
     When I begin to get close to people, they forget our plans before they make others... and it hurts. I guess that's something that they don't see. I just keep holding on to what little I have and try not to say more than necessary because I don't want to be alone. I'm so sick of being alone.

Stay pretty

     I've never been the type of girl to go about my day all dolled up and pretty. On an average day, I'll go about my business looking as I do after I step out of the shower. Sometimes I'll straighten my hair or throw some eyeliner on, but I've never been the kind of girl who always wanted to look good. My main goal, thus far, has been to look like myself. But something my grandfather said to me caused a change in my ways.
     It was about a year and a half ago when Grampy, my grandfather, made this statement to me; "Passíon, you're a beautiful girl... but I've noticed that you've put less than an effort into your appearance." His sentence made me grind my teeth to hold back the rude words I had coming his way. How dare my own family tell me that I looked bad! "You seem serious with this boy, but you two aren't married. You don't want him to find the next pretty thing," he finished. I was so sure of myself and of my future that his continued slander of my looks just made me hate him for all of thirty minutes.
     Fast forward to now and I finally understand why he told me that. Here I am, an unmarried eighteen year old, in a relationship with a different person than I was a year and a half ago, working my butt off. There's only two reasons I doll up these days and those two reasons are: 1.) My boyfriend; because I want him to love me at my best and see me at night and in the morning and still love me. I just want to look good for him every chance I get; there's just something inside my heart that makes me want to be dolled up for him, even if all we do is sit on the couch and watch television. 2.) Work; appearance is everything when you are a server (waitress), if you look like shit, you'll get shit for tips. But even with that on my mind, I sometimes forget to put make-up on before work or at least straighten my bangs...

I just think my bebee must be something special if I want to impress him with my prettiness every time we see each other.

:3

The things I do for love

      For reasons unbeknownst to me, my life can never be simple. It's as though my life is facade of beautiful grass and I am just a careless picnicker; I lay my blanket on the grass and unpack my picnic, only to discover that the grass is worn and ugly, and ants have arrived to take my food from me. Whenever I find a perfect patch of life, something tends to go wrong shortly after. Though, it's not always such a dramatic turn of events, sometimes just a mere annoyance or disappointment. But overall, I'm happy with my life.
     I try to turn every situation I'm in into something positive. For example, when I got my car towed I had more than enough money saved up to bail my car out. The two ways this could be perceived are like so:

1. "Oh no! My car got towed and now I have to spend money to get it out!"
2. "Whew! I'm lucky I had more than enough money to save my vehicle!"

 The latter response is me because even though I was in a bad situation, I had enough safety cushion to get done what needed to be done and not end up flat broke.
     The reason I bring all this up is because my perfect visit to my boyfriend's corner of the world seemed to have further complicated our relationship. Maintaining a long distance relationship is hard enough, but it becomes even harder when you have all the time in the world and your significant other does not; when you have no way of seeing them because their internet is out; when your visit made your significant other realize that they love you a million times more than they thought they did....
     So I guess you can say we're on hiatus until things get smoother for him. It was quite upsetting at first but things have mostly returned to normal. I don't mind waiting because I know that I'll see him soon enough, and for a good while I hope. We'll be attending a wedding together on June 9th and things should better before then. It's just I know he's got a lot on his plate; it's his senior year of high school and he's gonna have to hustle up in this upcoming semester so he can graduate, visit me, and all that good stuff.

Hiatus or not, I can be patient for whom I love.<3

Skimming the surface of you and I

     It's funny how every time I see you is like meeting you all over again. I mean, I know that I know you... but seeing you makes me feel like it's the first time that your eyes are meeting mine. I get extremely nervous and wonder if it's okay to hold your hand. In my heart I'm positive that you'll allow such a gesture, but in my mind I'm having doubts. "I just got here," I think to myself, "I don't want to seem too eager or too clingy... Oh who am I kidding! Those words describe me perfectly." I reach for your hand and you gladly accept mine. I smile and blush, embarrassed that I doubted my desire for a second. Now all I want is to have you near to me for as long as I can!
     At some point, the nerves simmer down a bit and our comfort with each other returns. We are happy doing absolutely nothing except watching the night sky from the inside of the car and staying home, cracking jokes about what ever commercials are playing on the television.
     During the shows you rub your head (and antlers) against me and say "moose moose," as you tickle my neck with your scruffy beard. I giggle and playfully push you away. "Mew mew, purrrr" I say when I rub my head against your shoulder.
     But four days comes to an end pretty quickly, and soon it's time for us to part. Your mom drives us to the airport where we have to say goodbye. It's hard for me to talk between tears so I hug you as tight as I can and tippy-toe to give you a kiss. You say, "I love you Shawnee." To which I quickly retaliate, "I love you too, Papa Bear." I ask you to thank your mom for all she has done for me and then we go our separate ways...
     Each hello you utter puts the biggest smile on my face and every goodbye brings me to tears; but all the smiles make the tears worthwhile. All the laughter makes the wait to see you next seem to pass more quickly. I just love you and every second that we have together.<3

One day we'll be ugly old people with ass cancer,

sitting on our rocking chairs,

making turkey noises at passersby.

And at that point,

what others say won't phase us;

because I'll have you and you'll have me.

Until we

*head shake*

Bluh blub bleh

*Stick out tongue*

And well...

you know the rest.

<3

Hell Girl

     My brother introduced me to the best anime ever, Hell Girl. It's lesson is that vengeance solves nothing. I don't know how to explain the show without getting all nerdy and excited about it... so here it goes.
     Ai Enma, Hell Girl, has the powers to send people to hell if you pull the scarlet thread on the doll that she gives you. You must first contact the Hell Correspondence with the name of your "tormentor"  and from then on, Ai contacts you and tell you the rules of vengeance. It might seem awesome that you can kill the person who is bringing harm to you, instantly. But "there is always a price to pay." That price is to spend an eternity in hell once you die; the choice is solely yours.
     It makes you think about whether or not you have anyone that you hate enough to want them dead. And I have to say, my life is great. There is not one person that I think has done me wrong to the point of death...
     But everyone needs to watch this show. EVERYONE. It's soooo good. TvT