No, this isn't part two to that last post. There may never be a part two, but I guess we'll both find out in time. For now, these are my thoughts. Enjoy them, or don't.
My mother thinks that I'm a slut because she doesn't know two of my male friends that have been in the house, because I don't always come home at a decent hour, because she thinks I'm like her. It's no use for me to keep crying over her opinions of me, she's going to think whatever she wants regardless of the truth.
This happens when I think I've got things right. Someone, usually family, has to take a giant crap on everything I do and everything I aspire to do. I'm not only a slut to my mother, but a good-for-nothing mooch as well. Apparently because I'm working right now, I'm just going to do nothing for the rest of my life. It's annoying to be constantly put down even when I know that I have much more going on for me than she knows.
I'm just a guest in this house of hers, she says. That if I don't abide by her rules and regulations that I need to find another place of residence. That she'll call my father and make him take my vehicle away from me for bad behavior. That I am pretty much nothing but nobody while living in this house.
It's raining pretty bad outside and I want to take a walk; I'll have my Hello Kitty umbrella overhead and glasses on my face. I'll watch as the rain hits the concrete and think a thousand and one thoughts. I'll wish for Eduardo to be there with me, to listen to me as I ramble on and on about the nonsense that runs rampant in my mother's household. I'll close my eyes and sit criss-cross in the middle of the wet road, just wandering through the millions of files in the office called my brain...
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Mini-vacation and lingering thoughts
I've been back from my mini-vacation in Virginia for a couple of days now but a lot happened in the few days I was there. I got so see so many people that I miss and who had missed me back, I became the stereotypical male with the "not-really-diggin'-a-relationship" attitude... I don't know. It's all been so mind-blowing that I don't know where to begin but bear with me as I attempt to.
I guess the beginning is as good of a place to start as any and my Virginia trip started with packing the night before. I left a few things here by mistake, like Kaden and Kasey's mom's Christmas presents but eh, I'll mail them sometime. The next morning one of my best friends, Chance; my ex co-worker, Chris; and Chris's friend, Troy saw me off at the airport. It was very sweet and fun and all that jazz. Chris and I have been talking-ish so I gave him a kiss and told him, "not yet" when he implied asking me if I wanted to be his girlfriend. I went about my business and slept 90% of both of my flights. It. Was. EPIC.
When I got home, in Virginia, I hung out with my best friend in the whole wide world, Miss Kasey Smith. We spent a lot of time going through the boxes that held everything that used to make my room, my room. The boxes were terribly packed but Kasey and I managed to condense everything so I would be able to have them sent over to Texas. There was a very sad moment when I reread a letter that used to be the reason I woke up in the morning, it was from Robert. (And if know me or have been following my blog for a while, then you should know how much Robert means/meant to me.)
I tried hard not to cry when I read "When you're ready just say, 'Okay Robert. I'm yours.'" But of course I failed. Let me get off topic for just a few seconds so that the reason that sentence made me cry makes more sense.
I texted him, "Okay Robert. I'm yours." To which he replied, "...|:" I tried to sleep that night but couldn't. I needed to talk to him because it wasn't fair. It wasn't fair for him to almost drop me because I had a date and expect me to be accepting of his new found interest.
I called him and told him I needed to play magician again, that I needed to be away for a bit in order to be more accepting of him liking someone else. He understood and I felt better the next day. I guess it was just one of those things I needed to say aloud for it to flee from my mind. We're friends again and that's fine and dandy, but it's kind of what got me into the sterotypical male attitude mood that I'm in now; which I will address as it comes in sequence.
Day number two I went to school to have lunch with Kasey and her friends. I had a pretty nice conversation with the oh-so-hottttt Mr. Ferris. He ended up giving me his number and we planned on having lunch... but sadly that didn't turn out. *Sigh* I saw a lot of people that I've been missing while I was at school and I even managed to not see those who I didn't want to see. (WINNING!) I ended up going home after trying to get in touch with Zach and failing.
Zach had just come down to Virginia Beach from Suffolk to visit... me mostly. A while later we ended up hanging out and ending up driving around with a bunch of people I hadn't seen since July. It was not what I expected since I was gonna hang out with Zach, but it was fun nonetheless. After the car ride my good ol' pal Bryant or as I have referred to him in past posts, SDB, took Kasey and I to the mall.
On the way we talked of things such as the hottttttttness of Ferris, the memories associated with streets we passed, Trevor Demasco (because I saw him on the way to the mall and yelled, "HEY! THAT WAS TREVOR DEMASCO!"), and work-related relationships. The mall was fun even though it was just a mall, and SDB was a good sport about helping Kasey and I shop even though our main purpose for going to the mall was Chik-fil-a.
At Chik-fil-a there was a very funny cashier named Nick, who helped us. He forgot a lot of our stuff so I wrote him a note and left him my number. In the note, I told him that he forgot my toy and my french fries, but that it was okay because Kasey said, "he was distracted by your beauty." It was pretty cool and I even got to take a picture of him with on of my four disposable cameras.
Braynt took Kasey and I back home and he changed so he could go P.T. with the Marine recruiters and whatnot. After he left Kasey and I went to hang out with John, Jenay, and the rest of the badasses and John's house. (I'll have pictures when I get my camera developed, promise!)
Nick texted me later and we all ended up going to the oceanfront, one of my favorite places in the world. I got on Kasey's longboard and hurried to the building that Zach and I conquered instead of going to prom. I got there long before anyone else and I just stared in awe, just last June this building was nothing but bones. I got sad and attack-hugged Zach when he and the others arrived. I cried into his chest and said, "That's not our building anymore." "Awh," he replied, saddened, "If I had a million dollars I would have bought it and told them to stop construction." We stayed like that for a little bit longer, before returning to the harsh reality that our building was no longer our building and would never be our building in the same sense again.
I withdrew myself from his arms and wiped my tears away; the time to be sad was over and the fun was about to commence. We didn't do a lot but make some hot tea at 7/11 and loiter for a good thirty minutes before we got shooed off the premises. We took some more photos and enjoyed the company of each other until a little before midnight, seeing as most of us needed to be home by then. I said my adieus and made my way into slumber.
I guess the beginning is as good of a place to start as any and my Virginia trip started with packing the night before. I left a few things here by mistake, like Kaden and Kasey's mom's Christmas presents but eh, I'll mail them sometime. The next morning one of my best friends, Chance; my ex co-worker, Chris; and Chris's friend, Troy saw me off at the airport. It was very sweet and fun and all that jazz. Chris and I have been talking-ish so I gave him a kiss and told him, "not yet" when he implied asking me if I wanted to be his girlfriend. I went about my business and slept 90% of both of my flights. It. Was. EPIC.
When I got home, in Virginia, I hung out with my best friend in the whole wide world, Miss Kasey Smith. We spent a lot of time going through the boxes that held everything that used to make my room, my room. The boxes were terribly packed but Kasey and I managed to condense everything so I would be able to have them sent over to Texas. There was a very sad moment when I reread a letter that used to be the reason I woke up in the morning, it was from Robert. (And if know me or have been following my blog for a while, then you should know how much Robert means/meant to me.)
I tried hard not to cry when I read "When you're ready just say, 'Okay Robert. I'm yours.'" But of course I failed. Let me get off topic for just a few seconds so that the reason that sentence made me cry makes more sense.
Remember my last blog post about being forgotten? Well yeah, I typed that out literally a few hours before Robert told me that he had found interest in someone else. How... strange the mind works, eh? All that means is that there is no Robert and Passíon in the forseeable future "and that's okay." Now we return to your regularly scheduled blog!I read that knowing that he was thinking of someone else these days and not me; it broke my heart because I had invested so much in making us work, in waiting because I love him, in every single thought... and he kind of just left me there. Suitcase in hand, ready to move in, and when I open the door he's having a jolly good time without me. It hurt. A lot.
I texted him, "Okay Robert. I'm yours." To which he replied, "...|:" I tried to sleep that night but couldn't. I needed to talk to him because it wasn't fair. It wasn't fair for him to almost drop me because I had a date and expect me to be accepting of his new found interest.
I called him and told him I needed to play magician again, that I needed to be away for a bit in order to be more accepting of him liking someone else. He understood and I felt better the next day. I guess it was just one of those things I needed to say aloud for it to flee from my mind. We're friends again and that's fine and dandy, but it's kind of what got me into the sterotypical male attitude mood that I'm in now; which I will address as it comes in sequence.
Day number two I went to school to have lunch with Kasey and her friends. I had a pretty nice conversation with the oh-so-hottttt Mr. Ferris. He ended up giving me his number and we planned on having lunch... but sadly that didn't turn out. *Sigh* I saw a lot of people that I've been missing while I was at school and I even managed to not see those who I didn't want to see. (WINNING!) I ended up going home after trying to get in touch with Zach and failing.
Zach had just come down to Virginia Beach from Suffolk to visit... me mostly. A while later we ended up hanging out and ending up driving around with a bunch of people I hadn't seen since July. It was not what I expected since I was gonna hang out with Zach, but it was fun nonetheless. After the car ride my good ol' pal Bryant or as I have referred to him in past posts, SDB, took Kasey and I to the mall.
On the way we talked of things such as the hottttttttness of Ferris, the memories associated with streets we passed, Trevor Demasco (because I saw him on the way to the mall and yelled, "HEY! THAT WAS TREVOR DEMASCO!"), and work-related relationships. The mall was fun even though it was just a mall, and SDB was a good sport about helping Kasey and I shop even though our main purpose for going to the mall was Chik-fil-a.
At Chik-fil-a there was a very funny cashier named Nick, who helped us. He forgot a lot of our stuff so I wrote him a note and left him my number. In the note, I told him that he forgot my toy and my french fries, but that it was okay because Kasey said, "he was distracted by your beauty." It was pretty cool and I even got to take a picture of him with on of my four disposable cameras.
Braynt took Kasey and I back home and he changed so he could go P.T. with the Marine recruiters and whatnot. After he left Kasey and I went to hang out with John, Jenay, and the rest of the badasses and John's house. (I'll have pictures when I get my camera developed, promise!)
Nick texted me later and we all ended up going to the oceanfront, one of my favorite places in the world. I got on Kasey's longboard and hurried to the building that Zach and I conquered instead of going to prom. I got there long before anyone else and I just stared in awe, just last June this building was nothing but bones. I got sad and attack-hugged Zach when he and the others arrived. I cried into his chest and said, "That's not our building anymore." "Awh," he replied, saddened, "If I had a million dollars I would have bought it and told them to stop construction." We stayed like that for a little bit longer, before returning to the harsh reality that our building was no longer our building and would never be our building in the same sense again.
I withdrew myself from his arms and wiped my tears away; the time to be sad was over and the fun was about to commence. We didn't do a lot but make some hot tea at 7/11 and loiter for a good thirty minutes before we got shooed off the premises. We took some more photos and enjoyed the company of each other until a little before midnight, seeing as most of us needed to be home by then. I said my adieus and made my way into slumber.
...I'll continue this post mañana as I need a bit of slumber.
Chou;<3
Monday, January 9, 2012
And that's okay
Sometimes you just forget...
...about me.
I just know that you forget about me and I guess that's okay. I can't expect you to think about me as much as I think about you, I really can't expect even a "hello" these days. So I've stopped. I've stopped with my wishful thinking and waiting around for you to speak to me. I've tried talking to you but you have plenty other things to worry about without me in the picture, and that's okay. Honestly, it's okay; I understand. I know that I'm a handful and you're just better off concentrating on yourself for now. You don't have the time or memory to keep me satisfied... you'll just forget about me like you do every so often.
And that's okay, everything is okay. I can live with you temporarily forgetting me and possibly forgetting me forever. It's okay. It's a new year and I've been such a part of your past that I would understand if you forgot my name and my appearance. I don't mind anymore because I love you, and that's okay---isn't it?
I suppose you're happier now, you're standing on your own two feet with no reason to lean on me. There's no more Nancy so in turn there's no more me, and that's okay because I'd love for you to live the life you want to live. I'd love for you to remember not to forget about me, but for now you'll continue forgetting and I'll continue remembering for you.
And that's okay, promise.
And that's okay, promise.
It's okay to stand alone sometimes.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Kasey and other things
This photo above is of my best friend in the universe, Kasey Smith, and her boyfriend Mista Blaire (James), Below is my drawing of them. I apologize for not being able to draw males as well as females. T^T
In a few short days I will be making my way to Virginia to visit my lovely best friend, my dad; Heather; and the dogs, and the rest of my friends.(: It's pretty exciting and all that jazz but there's so much more going on than that and I don't even know where to begin.
I got mad because a co-worker decided to take some extacy before I took him home from work. I was really... taken aback. It made me sad to see him do something other that marijuana... but whatever I guess. I can't save everyone's lives. *Sigh* I wish getting "fucked up" wasn't cool because as much as they say everyone's not doing it, we know that they're wrong. The percentage of kids to young adults that abuse drugs is at a rise.
I've watched one of my closest friends change into someone so desperate and terrible... it just makes me sad to think that I've lost my friend not only to a girl, but the life of trying to get high at every turn possible. I don't know. I guess being one of the few that still don't do anything just makes every drug seem that much worse.
I need to turn this post around.... behold! The largest omlette made at our IHOP and the cutest Cutie brand orange!
o.O
:3
I miss my bess frann
<|3
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
The difference between dreams and future reality
"They're not dreams, they're just not reality yet." -Passíon Neftali Leon
I came up with that quote today when talking to co-workers about relationships and our futures. I was thinking about how I plan to go to SUVA in Tuscon and then I realized, that's no pipe dream of mine; that's reality to come. It's what I WILL do not just what I want to do. To me, dreams are something that change until they get to the point where you just know that they will be your future. I know where I'm going in life and I know what I want out of it too, all that's left is for it to actually happen.
I'm so determined for my plans to unravel, even if they come out differently than expected. My quote applies to love as well; because even though I don't know how that will unfold for me, I know who I want and I'm not let them go without a fight or three-hundred.
I've motivated myself so much that I bought a cork board and have started putting things that will be part of my reality to come. (I'll post of photo of it once I have it a little more filled out.) It's a way that I can visualize what I want and bring it to me ten-thousand fold, which is something mentioned in The Secret; an awesome read and a life changing book. But things are looking up despite my lack of certain things and certain people. I can be happy on my own knowing that I have an awesome reality to look forward to.
I came up with that quote today when talking to co-workers about relationships and our futures. I was thinking about how I plan to go to SUVA in Tuscon and then I realized, that's no pipe dream of mine; that's reality to come. It's what I WILL do not just what I want to do. To me, dreams are something that change until they get to the point where you just know that they will be your future. I know where I'm going in life and I know what I want out of it too, all that's left is for it to actually happen.
I'm so determined for my plans to unravel, even if they come out differently than expected. My quote applies to love as well; because even though I don't know how that will unfold for me, I know who I want and I'm not let them go without a fight or three-hundred.
I've motivated myself so much that I bought a cork board and have started putting things that will be part of my reality to come. (I'll post of photo of it once I have it a little more filled out.) It's a way that I can visualize what I want and bring it to me ten-thousand fold, which is something mentioned in The Secret; an awesome read and a life changing book. But things are looking up despite my lack of certain things and certain people. I can be happy on my own knowing that I have an awesome reality to look forward to.
I Googled "night sky", chose this image, then edited it in picnik and added my quote.
It's at the center of my cork board.
(:
Man, that is one awesome quote. I'd love it even if it weren't my own. Goodnight bloggers!~
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Long talks with co-workers
Chris didn't work today but he came to hang out because we were wayyy dead. I was training Ayman's brother to be a server. (I don't know how to spell or say his name, sorry!) Anyhow, Ayman's brother and I were having some nice conversation and then Chris and I started talking about where we are with the people that we love, and how sometimes we freak out when a short period of time feels like an eternity.
He made a good point when he said that doubt is just the universe testing your desire of the person who receives your love. I was taken by surprise by that because everything has to be so much more complicated than that for me. It really makes sense though! I mean, I know that Robert's world can't revolve around me at this point because he has so much more to focus on, and the universe is testing to see whether or not I can handle the wait without him; which I can and WILL.
In other news, I finished my table lamp, it's pretty awesome! I used glow-in-the-dark paint but when I tried taking a picute of it, it didn't show up. (Sorry guys, I really wanted to show y'all!) But enjoy what photos I do have to share!
He made a good point when he said that doubt is just the universe testing your desire of the person who receives your love. I was taken by surprise by that because everything has to be so much more complicated than that for me. It really makes sense though! I mean, I know that Robert's world can't revolve around me at this point because he has so much more to focus on, and the universe is testing to see whether or not I can handle the wait without him; which I can and WILL.
In other news, I finished my table lamp, it's pretty awesome! I used glow-in-the-dark paint but when I tried taking a picute of it, it didn't show up. (Sorry guys, I really wanted to show y'all!) But enjoy what photos I do have to share!
Instead of using computer paper,
I found a clear box and traced the flowers off my bedspread again.
I cut them around their outlines and taped them onto the lamp.
Then I went around the stencils with glow-in-the-dark fabric paint.
I did the insides of the flowers freehand.
This is the lamp unlit.
This is the lamp lit, lol.
This is what I had to cure my sickness today.
A hot cup of Earl Gray with cinnamon; sugar; and honey,
a glass of orange juice,
and Chicken and rice soup.
NomNomNom!
:3
Also, you'll notice the new Twitter box and follow by e-mail over there to the right. If you follow my blog but don't have a blogger (and don't want one) there are two new ways for you to stay updated! I will post a link from this blog on twitter just as I finish posting. So keep in touch, kids! Love yah!
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Shake the feeling
I don't know. I really don't. I'm at a point where I feel like that's that and I'm gone. I feel like maybe I'm wasting my time because I've already served my purpose in that matter... but I don't want to be done. I'm hanging on to what little I'm given and I just will not let go. I mean, it is a new year and for it to start with bad dreams and being sick... I haven't any idea of where to begin or to end. (Possibly, preferably not.)
All I know is that I have to keep trucking forward; regardless of whether things change or not. So I'll put on that stupid face that I have one over to the right and continue with my life, because even if the things that mean/meant so much to me at one point in time can still bring me down, then I'm not really progressing with the new year... if that makes sense. I guess I'm just making things a dozen times more complicated than they have to be because that 's the way I am. Complicated is my middle name... Well actually it's Neftali but it's just as complicated. (Yes, laugh!)
Eh, I kind of feel like I'm just rambling about nothing so I guess I'll say goodnight. Oh and that's Chris in the background. He's pretty cool except he's leaving IHOP for Sam's Club. What a weenie!
P.S. Pawlie wants me to go to bed, hence the photo below. Goodnight everyone, and may 2012 bring the best for us all.
<3
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