If my thoughts could ignite a flame

I'd be able to melt the polar ice caps.

     Do you remember who I am? Because I don't. I get as close as I can to touch anything, but there will always be particles between me and myself, between you and me, between eye and eyelid. I like the feel of the molecules between my finger tips and the keys of my netbook. Weird to say or rather, to type.
     I miss a lot. I know that I'm going to cry sixty-percent of the time while I'm in Texas. I'm am definitely going to cry when I get seen off by one of the most amazing people in the world.</3
     I'm in a disappearing mood. I want to leave everything. I want to start new. I want to sever all ties. I want to go to you and look straight in your face for a few seconds before looking at my feet and muttering "goodbye". The tears will hit the toes of my shoes and I'll look up at you one more time before walking away at a fast pace. There are very few things I want to take with me: Pawlie, Sophia (my vihuela), a small suitcase of clothes, and a large jacket. My hair is bleached blonde with some brown streaks from the roots, I'm wearing a denim button-up, large sunglasses, a sun hat with a sunflower on the right side, my sexy jeans (ha), brand new boots, and a matching waist belt. In my left hand I am carrying a business-like suitcase with my jacket folded over it and my right hand is holding Sophia. On my back is my little backpack with Pawlie, a few important documents, money, and such inside. I want to disappear....

     Yet, I don't know myself.

Eyelashes and magic 8-balls

     Twice, I have made the same wish on eyelashes and twice they have not left my finger. Once, I asked a question dealing with the wish to a magic 8-ball and it replied, "Signs point to yes." So in my mind it's still a no. I believe that even if I had three "yes" responses on an 8-ball, eyelash wishes are more powerful. I know it sounds silly but it's what I believe.
     I'm nearly an adult yet I still wish on eyelashes, dandelion puffs, and the first star in the sky at night. I ask for advice from 8-balls, horoscopes, and fortune cookies. I cry as the result of my thoughts, my dreams, and the small things people say. I'm nowhere near being grown-up.
     I mean look at me, I'm five feet tall and a senior in high school. (This is the part where you chuckle to yourself.)
     On a serious note, I enjoy the happiness. But who doesn't? Just to clarify though, I'm not talking about happiness. I speak of the happiness. The happiness and happiness are two completely different ideas. Happiness can be derived from anything, anything. Someone smiling at you can make you experience happiness. Finding a ten dollar bill on the ground can allow you to experience happiness. The happiness is what you feel between the people you're around, there's nothing more I can say to explain it.

The happiness is just the happiness.

The bat of an eyelash

     We'll look straight into each other's eyes and I'll think to myself, are you experiencing the same moment as me? Do you look in to my eyes as deeply as I do yours? Are you wondering what I'm thinking about? Are our eyes somehow communicating the things we cannot say? Are you just looking at me, thoughtlessly? Are you even looking at me? Is there something on my face? Are you thinking about someone else? Do I make you happy? Am I good enough for you? What is your opinion of me? Do you have an opinion of me? Why is my heart beating like this? Why do I want to cry? Why do I want to smile? Why do I want to break out into hysterical laughter? Does anything I do matter to you? Am I here solely for your benefit? Do you love me? Do you even like me? Do I remind you of someone else? Do I bother you? I'll smile to myself for a millionth of a second, I like your eyes. The questioning resumes. Will you replay this simple moment in your head later? Will you discard it like it never happened? When you go home do you even think about me? Does it make you mad if you do? Am I wrong? Are you wrong? Are we wrong? Then one of us blinks and the thoughts end, even though they lasted but a few seconds.
     It hardly matters. It's impossible to answer all my questions but I wish I could read your mind and answer them. I wish I could selectively read your mind over any distance. I'm curious.

Do I even matter?

Sugar-coated

     Yesterday, Kkarnage spoke to me for the first time in a few months. It made me happier than you can imagine. I was beginning to believe that all my love and care for her was in vain. I thought that she honestly didn't give two damns about me or what I wanted to tell her. All I really want is to keep her safe. I want to bring her home with me and teach her how to be right, even though I don't know how to be right myself. I want to take care of her and give her something that I can't give myself. If I could, I'd drop everything for her.
     If I could. I find myself saying that a lot and I suppose I can but it's not how I want to do anything. Dropping everything is so unrealistic, it's just a lie to make people feel secure. Yet, when it comes right down it, it's just about to damnedest thing one can tell another.

Would you take a bullet for me?
Honestly, probably not. I'm not brave enough to jump in front of a bullet, even if it was to save your life. I mean, put yourself in the same situation. You would want to but at the same time, we humans have such a  strong desire to live... If I was invincible, I'd take a bullet for you.

     Today was a sickly day. Yet I can't stand being useless when I'm sick, it's like a terrible curse. I cleaned the bathroom, the laundry, the stove, some of the interior of my car, my closet, my room, and I tried to clean the wall. I can't just sleep anymore, I don't know why. I really wish I could, I just wish I could. Weird though, it's only twenty 'til seven and I'm really fatigued. I might eat something but I know I want some tea... and some sleep.
     Dream with me again. I want to pretend someone is keeping me warm, although my room is as hot as the summer. Dream with me again, I don't want to be alone and delirious. Watch me sleep and keep me safe and warm. Please, dream with me.

"If you can't sleep I'll be there in your dreams. I'll be there in your dreams if you can't sleep at all..."

Take your own and I'll take mine

     Hypocrisy at it's best is found in the warm loving arms of those you hold the closest. I do nothing to make you make me do things on my own. I do a lot on my own, without your help. Without anyone's help, geez doesn't that make sense? Doing things on my own, by myself. Yes, it makes a whole lot of sense. If you ask me to do something that is not my duty to do, I'll do it. A lot of times, I'll do it without being asked. But don't tell me to take care of your business and mine. Don't make it my fault that you're not taking your own.

"Can you walk the dogs."
"Yes."
Both go outside.
"Why am I putting the plates on your car? It's your car; you should be doing this."
"These are your dogs."
They sure as hell aren't mine. Two Jack Russells are definitely not my dogs of choice. Dogs aren't really on my good side anymore.
You go in and ignore me.
I walked the dogs and put the plates on my car. You're welcome.