Cartas de amor

     Today is the fifth day I have wrote a carta de amor, en español of course.(: I'm not sure what I am going to do with said letters yet. I may give them to the person of my admiration or I might keep them to myself for a while longer. I think I'm going to fill the envelope up so much that it can hardly remain closed, at which point I will give said person las cartas. But until then, we won't know. Changing subjects...

     El sábado, I purchased a sandwich for a hungry man. SDB, Chuck, Glenn, and I were walking to Starbucks from Greenbrier Mall in an effort to spend some time outside. We came across a man who held a sign that read "Hungry--anything helps." I decided that I was going to purchase some type of food item for him whilst at Starbucks. (Which SDB thought that we should as well.) I ended up getting a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit for the kind sir.(: Quite and accomplishment and not to mention the good karma coming my way! Well, I just felt really good about my deed.

     The entire weekend from Friday to Sunday was great. I was never doing nothing. Thank you weather Gods! I feel like I accomplished a lot this past weekend. I drove Mr. Greg's truck, fed a hungry guy, increased Ligia's confidence, surprised her, made a new friend, solved a dispute, did the "right thing", started the release process, wrote five love letters in Spanish, and I am starting to change for the better.

I'm just waiting for adventure to sweep me off my feet!<3

Thirty-one minutes

Just so you know, this was all a dream. Or rather---a nightmare. It occured between 5:45 am and 6:16 am.


     I was driving around, not knowing where I was headed, and stumbled upon a small town. The first thing that caught my attention was this building that I thought was a mall. The building was large yet rather empty, I assumed that it was vacant because it was newly built or something of that nature. Interested, I decided to sneak a peek just to find that the place was open.
     I wandered around the empty building in awe, the beauty of the emptiness was indescrible. Finally I reached the back of the building which looked rather out of place as opposed to the rest. What I saw was what appeared to be the entrance or back door of someone's home. I entered this "home", curious as to why it was just sitting there at the back of the mall.
     As I entered the building, I realized that it was a home but the owner was nowhere to be found. I browsed the area in search for anything of interest and came across a tank with a lizard in it. The lizard was stuffed and the water in the tank was that clear stuff people use for fake flowers in vases. I crouched down to the level of the tank and noted that the lizard looked as though he was about to emerge from the water. All of a sudden, the lizard came out of the water and just as I screamed he returned to his original position. I was frightened and wanted to get as far away from this mall-house as I could; but when I found the door, a family of three walked in.
     A man, his wife, and thier 22-year-old son walked inside the front entrance of the house. The family was slightly starttled to see me, but we all started talking and things eased up. We discussed the history of the house and its owner which is how I learned the mystery behind the mall-house combination.
     "He was an old man," the wife said, "and the corporate monsters wanted his house. He refused to give up his property so the local government decreed it acceptable to combine and merge any buildings that could be valuable to the corporations--"
     "Mom, you know how I love your stories," the son interrupted, "but I think I'm going to go use the facilities."
     "You go ahead and do that dear. But the man ended up killing himself in this very house and to this day it is rumored to be haunted." I sighed, as if the lizard occurance didn't scare me enough, this news of the previous owner killing himself was kind of overwhelming.
     "Honey, I'm hungry," the husband stated, "I'm going to see what this old gesyer has to eat."
     Just then my cell phone rang. I glanced at the caller ID to see that it was Charmander. "Hello," I answered as I picked up the phone. There was no response on the other side, just the sound of hard sobbing. "What's wrong?"
     Right after I asked, a commercial started playing through our phones. The commercial was advertising the knife that the old man used to kill himself, which went something like this: "This is B.F. Knifes Company calling to tell you that B.F. Knifes are the way to go if you want to 'get the job done'... B.F. Knifes has been around for... A company you can trust with your life... Buy one today!"
     "What the fuck are you doing Passíon? Do you think that's funny?"
     "No Charmander, not at all! I'm not doing anything, I promise!"
     "Well stop it! It's not funny! Can't you see I'm having a tough enough time without you teasing me about killing myself!"
     "I'm not doing anything, I'm sorry!!!!"
     The phone call ended and I heard the wife mutter something about how her son is taking long in the restroom and she is worried. The husband comes in with two Ziploc containers of baked beans with a slice of cheese on top and says, "Don't worry baby, he's probably just taking a shit." He hands me a Ziploc container and I politely refuse, stating that I don't like baked beans. "Me either," he replied, "I was making spaghetti." Confused, I came to the conclusion that the former owner of this house ate nothing but baked beans toped with a slice of cheese.
     The wife panicked and ran to the bathroom to save her babyboy from whatever ailed him. "Nooo!" I screamed at the top of my lungs, "Don't open the bathroom door, it will just suck you in like your son..." She ignored me and flung the door open and tried to keep it there; but once she stepped inside the bathroom, the door slammed behind her. She was trapped and I figured that her husband and I were trapped too. I panicked and screamed so much that I bolted myself awake...

Love machines

Here is a montage of my thoughts of now, in no particular order.


You think not telling is not lying. I'm slowly eating myself away. I don't want to sleep, I want to stay up and read. I need to read Wallflowers. September 27th, 2010. There is good in us all.<3 Everything prior to September 1st, 2011. I don't really understand what I'm all broken up about. You are so charasmatic and I... so socially awkward. Chapter one of Book Two of This Side of Paradise, made me cry. "We're both opposite numbers." I like the look of my messy room. I wonder if we're the same person. Next mission, the lass from Hot Topic. I could read a thousand lines about Amory Blaine knowing that every word I read was written about you.
Remember to remember but don't forget to forget. Regardless of what they think, they aren't living your life.
I guess I should retire to sleep...

...after I finish this book.

(:

"Because selfish people are in a way terribly capable of great loves."

-Amory Blaine, This Side Of Paradise

Read my sorrows away

     I'm really selfish but I still do nice things for other people, that's beside the point.
     Today was pretty good. I participated in a field trip that took some random students of Salem High School to a courthouse and a jail. It was a fairly interesting trip and I will never for get the convicted felon/ trustee that spoke with us. I don't remember his name but his wife just had thier baby boy on September 27th. His son only gets to see his dad on the video visitation that is provided by the jail, which I find tragic. The guy really seems like a nice guy who was just trying to make it in the world... but I digress.
     I felt pretty useless during the latter part of the day, though. I feel like I opened up just to get shut down. It's not really a big deal but I don't really know how to explain how I feel. I knew that this was going to happen but just not this soon. I talked to Charmander today and he listened.
     It's like I'm in a slump that I can't get over, like there's an impassable hill and all I want to do is climb it... but my knees are too weak. And I try to "motivate" myself by telling me that I can get over the hill, when in reality I can't. Or maybe I won't let myself. Either way, that hill is there. It makes me so upset that I can't do the things I want because of the way I let things affect me. I mean seriously, look at me! I'm such a mess... Well I'm not so sure you can see it as much as me but it's true. I'm just a person wrapped up in emotion and distress. And on top of that is a thin layer of plastic wrap labeled happiness. It covers every inch of me but is so easily pierced, so easily damaged. I guess they were right when they called me 'fragile' in middle school...
     This has just shown me how terribly I handle myself and the predicments I get into. And how selfish I am with the things I expect of the people I surround myself with. I think I need something new, I think I need a change. I'm breaking my own heart and it's a shame. I'm going to go bury my head in This Side of Paradise.

I don't want what you pretend to give

     You make me mad with the things you say, the things you do. "I can't stay mad at you," you state with a half-smile. You shrug and ask, "Is that bad?" I look at you in disgust but I say nothing. "I just can't stay mad at you." I look away and stare at the sun kissing the hills. "You have no reason to ever be mad at me," I think to myself, "not a goddamn reason. And yet, it seems like every blink of my eyes is an insult to you."
     "It's just how I am," you reply when I point out that you get mad at nothing. I shake my head because no one is naturally an ass like you are.
     When I see you I think of yelling "No quiero tener nada contigo!" Most of the time I don't even want to be your friend because you're not a friend. You're someone I talk to frequently; but most definitely not a friend. I look out my window to yell 'hey' at you and your response is to scream obscenities at the top of your lungs because, as you say often, "you would leave!"
     Yes, I left. I left because I was doing nothing, I left because I don't want to waste all my time doing nothing with you. I don't want to spend time tolerating you. I don't want to see that shitty puppy dog face you use to beg me to let you hurt me. I don't want you, at all. I don't care anymore, I just don't want you. And even though you "can't stay mad" at me, I can. I can stay mad at you for all the stupid things you've done and continue to do. You act so big and bad but you're nothing but a pathetic child. You don't love me and I don't want you to; I want you to stop this charade. Stop pretending that there is something there because obviously, there is not.
     I know what you want and I need you to listen to me, for once. I do not want the things you want. I do not love you and I will not love you. If you want to be my friend then quit acting like a merciless child and grow the fuck up. I hope you read this and understand completely or that you listen to the words that come out of my mouth when I tell you, over and over again. This needs to be the end.