The secret life of Passíon A. Magician

     I've decided that I'm going to disappear from Robert for a while, we'll see what that does. Hopefully it helps both of us. This way I won't worry myself to shreds and he'll have time to evaluate his feelings and thoughts and such. Speaking of Robert, I had a bad dream about him... but after I talked to him about it, it didn't seem as bad as it made me feel.
     The dream started with two kids playing a computer game, the view I had was of the back of their heads looking into the computer screen. They were playing a game in which they had to turn people and their towns smaller and separate them from each other that way the Acorn Queen wouldn't destroy them. It ended up that Robert, a bunch of random people, and I were in the game. We were swimming across a river with our possessions to a summer camp place.
     Robert's room was the only room in the entire place that had a girl bunked with two boys, Robert and his friend Santana. My room was right next to his and I cannot recall if I had any bunk mates. The bathroom was in the hall that was in front of my room, and a door from Robert's room led to the bathroom as well. This is important later.
     Some time after every one of the townsfolk had got their belongs to the camp, this daring young boy jumped off a cliff into the river on a couch cushion. Following his decent, a black man, maybe in his early twenties, ran over to the where the boy had safely landed and began drowning himself for reasons unbeknownst to me. When the boy asked him why he was drowning himself he mumbled something along the lines of, "I've been waiting for my brother."
     After the man took his own life through the water, I saw Robert crossing a bridge that lead to the camp. I waved excitedly and frantically at him and all he did was stare. Confused, I made a heart shape with my hands and he looked away and continued on his way. I assumed he wasn't talking to me, shrugged it off, and went back to the camp to go take a shower.
     As I was undressing, a former classmate of mine walked in and freaked out a little. I was topless and just struck up a conversation with Darrell, all the while he not knowing whether to keep his eyes on my eyes or... you know. Once the conversation came to an end, I asked him if he wanted to join me in a shower. He ran away screaming "no" as though I was trying to kill him. Once again, I shrugged off the action of a boy and continued with my business.
     When I finished my shower Darrell ran into the bathroom and announced that he was ready. Although I was fully dressed he picked me up in such a way that my leg would be wrapped around his waist, else I fall backwards. Surprised by this sudden action, I exclaimed, "Oh Darrel! You're so strong!" (Which now that I think about it sounds pretty... bad.) Robert passed by the bathroom to enter his room just as I made that statement, which probably made him mad. But before I could do anything a camp counselor came into the bathroom with buckets and said, "Well, I guess we ought to prepare everyone for what's about to happen." She opened the door that connected the bathroom to Robert's room and placed a bucket between the door and the wall; she continued to do this with all doors at the camp.
     I walked by Robert's room hoping that he wasn't upset with what he saw and that maybe he would believe me when I explained what happened... which still seemed pretty bad even though Robert wasn't talking to me. When I peered in he and Santana we just laying in bed because they had gotten in trouble for making their watches spell the word dick, so as a punishment they were ordered to go to bed at two o'clock.
     I went into the kitchen to waste some time and to help Mankie with what ever she needed. I didn't end up doing much so I decided to head back to my room and as soon as I reached for the handle of my door, Robert beckoned me to see him. I took a seat on the floor and Robert opened up a notebook that he made and began a story.
     Page by page he went through our whole history up until this point. At the last page was a drawing of five people, three of them were colored red and two of them were only red outlines. He pointed at the picture and said, "...and then you had to go and do this. Why would you do this to me?" I tried explaining what had happened with Darrell but he refused to listen. I grabbed a pair of scissors and held them at my shoulder, then I woke up in that position.
     It was pretty scary because I have no idea what I planned to do with those scissors. But the dream made me feel like it was the end of the line for Robert and I, which I don't believe. I think the dream was just a mash up of everything that my co-workers were telling me last night.
     The thing that stuck with me most was what Candace said, which was, "You would think that people get closer together during the holidays but actually, since the year is coming to an end they reflect on the past year and what could have been."
    My theory on getting over people is that you find someone else who makes you want to get over the person you were with before, but that's just my opinion. It could be different for everyone else, I don't know. I just hope that I'm worth getting over Nancy because I don't want anyone else but Robert. In which case, I hope my disappearing act makes things better before he's supposed to come visit.
   
P.S. I hope you enjoyed the pun of a blog title there.
(:

Angry dreams

     I had two really vivid dreams last night both made me wake up angry. Here they are:

Dream 1:
     I guess my mom, her should-be-boyfriend; Nick, Alex; one of my co-workers, and I were all shopping for Christmas. My mom and Nick were sitting on her car when she told me, "Mija, go to that pet store. They have buy one get one on dog and cat stuff."
     Alex and I made our way into the pet shop when this guy who worked there came up to me and took me away from Alex with his words. He was trying to help me find whatever it was that I was looking for and hitting on me as well. I only knew this because one of the female cashiers said something rude to me as we passed.
     I felt really bad for this pet shop worker because I had to leave our conversation, I needed to pee awfully bad. I asked him to direct me to the restrooms and as soon has he had, I fled to over to the door of the women's.
     Before I could enter, I had to figure out how to use the machine that was there. (I don't really know how to explain it, so excuse me if it sounds ridiculous.) It was a gray box that had a section where you could insert money, both coins and bills, and a tiny screen that showed the price you were supposed to pay, which was also refunded to you, but the catch was that the numbers on the screen were constantly moving. (For example, you know when you put gas in you vehicle the cents change a lot faster than the dollars? Well it's the same concept except the machine in my dream would reach $50.00 and go all the way down to $0.01, all at extremely fast speeds.)
     I had no change so I couldn't pay for the restroom myself, I needed to find Alex. I didn't want to leave where I was so I just yelled for her until she showed up. This guy came up to me and showed me how to get the machine to run slower for a little bit. What I had to do was jam the reset button and the numbers would move at a rate of two numbers per second, which was a lot slower than it had been moving before. Alex quickly handed me a dollar bill and some change and as I opened the door in my dream, I woke up and ran to the bathroom.

Dream 2:
     I was at IHOP, working as usual when I was approached by this shady looking guy. He handed me a suitcase, presumably filled with money, and told me to take it to an address and ask for some lady. I held the suitcase back out to the man and said, "No, I'm working." "Just take the damn suitcase," the man said as he shoved it back to me, "and go now. She's waiting for you."
     I left work without a word and went to find my brother, Michael. He happened to be at a sex shop trying to by a coffee pot. When I saw Michael, I advised him not to by the coffee pot that looks like the orange carafes that we use at IHOP, seeing as I might accidentally take it to work. He ended up not buying a coffee pot after all, and as we were leaving he said, "come on Joey." I turned around and to my surprise, there stood Joey. We avoided making eye contact or any contact for the time that we would have to be together.
     The three of us get into Michael's car and I explained to them the situation that I've been placed in the middle of, so Michael decided that we should go together to the lady's place so nothing would happen to us.
     Once we arrived, I went to the door and asked for the lady just as the man had told me to. The door opened and a voice beckoned us to enter, shortly after we enter the door slammed shut. We walked through a long hallway before we came to a room where the lady was sitting on her bed with another woman. The other woman took Joey into another room just as I was handing the suitcase to the lady.
     I jerked the suitcase from the skeletal hands of the lady and demanded that she bring Joey back here. (Joey and I are not on good terms but I sure as hell wasn't going to let him die because of me.) "The suitcase or your life," she said, almost as if it was a command but I still held fast to the suitcase, and Michael ran into the room that the other woman took Joey.
     The other woman walked out with not a shred of clothing on and no sign of Michael or Joey. She climbed atop the bed and crawled over to the lady and whispered something in her ear. The lady promptly left and the other woman began talking. "He asked me to do bad things to him, you know," she began, giggling in spite of herself. I stood there, speechless, and gave her a roll of my eyes. "That little Joey of yours is a feisty one, it took a while for him to want me, but when he did... he just could. Not. Stop." I still remained as quiet as ever because this other woman should know that there was no such thing as a Joey of mine. I didn't know what she was trying to do by telling me these things, but it wasn't working.
     She continued to say the most provocative things about her and Joey, making motions and gestures, even sounds. I was getting fed up with her nonsense. It wasn't the fact that she had something with Joey that got me angry, but rather, that she was sitting there in her nakedness and bragging about the things she had done with the person who, at one point, was my future.
     Furious, I ran at her and beat her relentlessly. I yanked the stupid blue and orange extensions from her hair and repeatedly popped her in the face. She was laughing, she was fucking laughing! How could I beat her to a pulp and she still mock me? It wasn't right but, of course, none of this was. The dream ended with me continuously punching her as she laughed at me. She won and she knew it, but I wasn't going to give up...

You and I are no coincidence

     When I started cleaning my room today I came across my copy of (500) Days of Summer and decided to watch it. It actually just ended right now and it made me think about my life and the people in it. Well this quote exactly:

 "If Tom had learned anything... it was that you can't ascribe great cosmic significance to a simple earthly event. Coincidence, that's all anything ever is, nothing more than coincidence... Tom had finally learned, there are no miracles. There's no such thing as fate, nothing is meant to be. He knew, he was sure of it now."

      It made me think of November 2009, when and how I met Robert. It's funny and pretty strange, something that would have never happened between me and anyone else the way it happened with us.
     We were both in Las Cruces, New Mexico for a mariachi convention type thing with our schools and many other schools from all over the Southern United States. During the morning, we would divide into separate classes based on what instrument we played and the skill level we were at. In each classroom, one of the members of Mariachi Cobre would go over the songs given to us in our song books and teach us new techniques for playing. After morning rehearsal and lunch was over, everyone would gather in this large room to practice the songs we would play in front of everyone. But before we could even begin, we would have to divide ourselves into our sections. Starting from the left, as if you were looking from on-stage, there stood the armonia section; which consists of the guitar, guitarra de golpe, vihuela, guitarrón, and harp in that order, then there were the trumpets and violins. Since I played vihuela and Robert played guitarrón, we happened to not be far from each other and that's when the magic happened.
     I saw him looking at me just as he saw me looking at him; I would smile and he would give me his signature grin. The next day, we repeated the act of noticing each other but this time was a little different, the people from my group had to leave early because we had to go get dressed for the evening's festivities. I decided to write him a note that said, "Sorry I don't know your name..." and I don't remember the rest except that I had written my myspace url in it. "www.myspace.com/lovesawierdo" (Which doesn't exist anymore.)
     We were supposed to talk that night, but I think he was too nervous because I was all dressed up and he wasn't. I remember seeing him though and eagerly waiting for him to approach me. He didn't, but somehow I ended up with his phone number... I don't recall how anymore, but at the time my phone was being stupid and I couldn't save his number. I asked Maddie, one of the violin players from my school, to save his number in her phone for me until we could get back to our hotel.
     When we arrived, I quickly gathered my things and asked Maddie for his number. Once I had it on a little La Quinta sticky note, I borrowed Luz's, one of our guitar players, cell phone to text to him. I don't remember what we talked about at all, but I remember the next day as though it were yesterday...
     We were all outside, some people gathering in large groups to play random mariachi songs, others getting food and relaxing, but as for me, I was finding Robert. I asked Mr.Perales, my mariachi instructor, if I could go over to a different spot than everyone else and he agreed. I found Robert and we went to a bench and I rambled on about a lot of nothing for quite a while. He mostly stayed quiet and nodded his head or gave a short response, but I remember clearly when he stated that he hated Death Cab for Cutie. (Which, I might add, he actually loves. He was just in denial at the time.) That night was the long awaited performance by Pepe Aguilar and the last time I would see Robert for a long time. He came and found me with the people from my school and sat with me, we talked a little bit and watched the show while my friends cock-blocked...
     At the end of the concert he walked with me until it was time for us to leave, we hugged, and went our separate ways. I don't think I could explain to you what I was feeling, but I can feel it now even as I type this.
     Next thing you know, I get back home and text Robert as much as I can. I was so interested in everything he said and every joke he made was just that much funnier. Eventually we started writing each other letters and he was in every one of my thoughts, but I have failed to mention that there was Joey, my boyfriend at the time.
     I don't remember exactly when it was, but Joey gave me an ultimatum: it was Robert or him. It was awful but of course, I chose Joey; the guy who I had been in love with for so long and was just now getting serious with. I wrote a pathetic awful letter to Robert and we stopped talking. I'm sure he hated me for a good while, and I could understand that. I practically threw him away, even after Joey had sex with his ex-girlfriend while we were dating. But Robert never left my thoughts, he was everywhere to me.
     I remember walking around the school and picking dandelion puffs from the grass and wishing that he thought of me, wishing that he didn't hate me like I knew he did, wishing that someday things would be better. Then the last week of my junior year, Nick, an old friend of mine who happens to look just like Robert and I hadn't talked to in AGES, said "hi" to me. I freaked out. Bad. I knew right then that I needed to talk to Robert. I NEEDED to say something, even if he didn't respond. I didn't know how to go about contacting him because I no longer had his number in my cell phone. I contemplated asking for his number through his friends that had talked to me before, I thought of so many plans after that... but I ended up finding that little La Quinta sticky note and sending a text to the ten numbers that were Robert.
     We started talking again but things didn't start off so well. He thought that I had only started texting him because I was bored but in all actuality, I missed him a lot. Things got better in time so now we can fast forward to the present: December 1st, 2011.

      I love Robert, with my all. He's the one that I want and the one that my heart and brain have decided on. It's amazing that after all this time and everything that I've put him through that he's still here, that he's the one that receives my "I love you"s, that we're even still talking after everything; and that is why I can say that Robert and I are no coincidence. I don't think that when I noticed Robert noticing me notice him noticing me was an accident. I mean, we've only spent total of about a week and a half with each other and neither of us has said goodbye for good. We're just something more.

How funny, a Death Cab song just came up on my iPhone.(x

My heart said to my brain, "I told you so!"

     A few days ago I was going to blog about how sometimes, you have to use your brain to convince your heart that things are going to be alright... but I was mistaken. When your brain has to convince your heart something,  you are only cheating yourself. Your heart knows when things are wrong even before your brain realizes it. Well, that's how it goes for me anyway.
     You see, a few days ago Robert lost his necklace with the cute dog tag I put on it. If you know me at all or have read this post, then you know exactly why I knew something was wrong the moment he told me. If you haven't read the post then allow me to explain; if you have read the post or know me well, you can skip ahead to the next paragraph. If someone gave me an object, say a bracelet, and that bracelet just did not stay on; I would believe that our friendship was on the brink of ending and I am the one holding us together. You know what I mean? That's how my heart knew what my brain ignored.

     At the end of the day my heart said to my brain, "I told you so!" I'm no longer at war with myself over what might happen or what's supposed to happen. My brain, heart, and I are all content waiting alone, together. (If that makes sense...) We're waiting on Robert's heart to convince his brain that it's okay, the three of us won't hurt him like other hearts, brains, and people have before. :3

Now that I have drawn this, I can sleep. 

Please excuse the hands.

"I guess you can say that I miss you..."