The best advice

     I was back tracking on my blog posts and came across this post. It's amazing how relevant it is to my life right now and amazing how so much has changed again. I am no longer in the state of bliss that I have been for the past two weeks. Somethings are too good to be true, like the relationship I had with Robert.
     I feel like this happened for a reason, though. Like there's some major life lesson that I haven't learned within the past three years. I refuse to become one of those people who ask, "why does this always happen to me?" Because the answer is within myself, and within my actions.
     I am going to take the best advice I've received, the advice I gave myself back in February. I'm going to do things differently than I have in the past three years because it is obvious that it's not working, nor has it ever worked. And as much as I'd love to just sink back in, fight, and hold hope for what I thought I had, I can't. I can't keep holding myself back from what the universe has in store for me because of how much I care about someone, how much I love someone.

Letting go is never easy,

but I know it's what I have to do.

I love you.

Bye.

Happy Birthday In Advance

     I was going through my mother's computer and found a story I had written in my junior year of high school. I'm posting it not for the subject matter of the story, but for the way it was written and to show how it contrasts my life currently. It's always interesting to look back and see what was on my mind and in my heart. I'm beginning to go off on a tangent, so here you go. Enjoy.

 Happy Birthday In Advance

     It was June of Summer 2009; I remember making a photo album of memories for Joey and I. It was pretty simple; a blue photo album with the first flower he ever picked for me where the cover photo should be, our names spelled out in black stickers. Originally, I intended to save the photo album for July 23rd: Joey’s eighteenth birthday. Though, that changed when June 19th came around.
     On June 19th, 2009, I hung out with some friends I had been neglecting. We went to the Mayan Palace to watch Transformers 2, even though I didn’t want to see it. While I was at the movies, Joey was out with his girlfriend at the time, Riley. My friends and I were having a great time and I was actually enjoying the film. The movie ended at 1:01 am the next day and I chuckled, “Hey guys! Guess what time it is!” when no one replied, I continued, “It’s Juan o’ Juan! Ha, ha, ha!” It was getting late so Raymond drove me back home and I was curious as to what Joey was doing.
     “Hey, what’s up?” I texted, awaiting Joey’s reply. “This day could not get better!” I thought, satisfied with the day’s events. But the way he responded was stiff and awkward. “You’re acting different. What happened?” “We had a great day together, Riley and I. I want to give her another chance,” he replied, “I’m sorry, but you understand. Right?” It tore me to pieces because it wasn’t just a text, it felt like so much more. I could hear him say, ‘I’m sorry’, I could see the furrowed brow as he uttered ‘but you understand. Right?’ I closed my eyes and felt the hot tears run down my cheeks; I looked through the photo album, and decided that something needed to be done.
     “Hey ma, you hungry?” My mom asked. I wiped my tears away then said, “Yes mom. Can you make me something?” She left my room to make food that I was hardly hungry for. I needed a plan and I needed one fast; but I became distracted when, after an hour, my mom still hadn’t come tell me that the food was ready. I stood up from where I sat on my bed and walked from my bedroom into the kitchen, only to find the food still cooking and my mother asleep at the computer. I took the food of the burner, turned it off, then went to tell my mom that she should go to bed. She just shooed me away and on my way to my room, I checked the cable converter box as the time read 4:07 am. I couldn’t help but want to leave.
     “I need to see Joey, I need to talk to him,” I thought. He lived in an apartment complex on West Military Drive and I lived in a subdivision called Sky Harbour, a couple miles away. I’d ask myself, “How would I get there? What would I tell my mom? Would I just leave? What about the graduation party later in that evening?” Then the arguing would commence, “You’re going to get killed Passíon! You’re going to get hurt. What about your mom? Your thought process is illogical! What are you doing? Stay here!” Finally, against my own conscience, I decided I was going to flee from my home.
     Quickly, I packed my little backpack with a notebook, the photo album, my cell phone, a pen, and my house keys. As I left the house, the front door would not lock; that should’ve been enough to convince me to stay home but I refused to stop. I ran and ran until I’d see a vehicle, then I’d slow down out of paranoia. I was sure that my mom would come find me, but after a while I calmed down and hurried off to the apartment.
     I continued to run, on the burn of adrenaline, until I reached the little playground outside of Joey’s apartment window. I was cold but sweaty, my hair was a frazzled mess, I was dressed in pajama sweats and a large t-shirt, the adrenaline ceased to pump. It was a silly reason that I was out here, trying to fulfill Joey’s fantasy of having a sexy girl waiting for him out on this playground. I sat down on the slide and pulled my cell phone out of my bag; the time was 6:20 am. I dialed the ten digits that made up Joey’s number, and luckily he answered. “Hello?” He answered, obviously tired and confused. “Joey, look outside,” I said softly, trying hard to confine the tears I so longed to release. I watched the window until I saw one of his hands pull the blinds sown just enough to peek out to what he hadn’t expected. “What are you doing?!?” Joey exclaimed, concerned, “Come up here right now!” The tears began like sprinters at a track meet right after the sound of the gun. “Okay…” I managed to whisper. I hung up the phone and proceeded to the front door of the apartment, which was already wide-open when I got there. “You know, you’re lucky I needed to pee. Otherwise, I’d be asleep. So tell me…” the questions pressed on, “What are you doing here? How’d you get here? Are you okay?” In silence, we walked into Joey’s room and from there, everything happened.
     I sat on the floor closest to the room’s entrance while Joey sat on his bed, looking at me with eager eyes. I kept my glance up in an effort to prevent runaway tears and as I hugged my backpack, I began to speak.
     “I was going to save this for your birthday but I feel like you should see it now. You need to see it now before it’s too late…” I opened up the little backpack and pulled out the simple blue photo album. “I’ve collected many things that we’ve done together; notes I’ve written, little nick-knacks, movie tickets… you know, little things. I don’t know, I mean, it’s not amazing  but it is something that I put a lot of time and effort into. Something to show you how much I love you. Something that we can finish together, hopefully.” I handed Joey the blue photo album with the first flower he ever picked for me where the cover photograph should be, and I watched silently as he flipped the pages one by one. I saw the change in his face as he went from worry and tired confusion to simple delight. He looked up at me from the simple blue album and smiled. I turned my head to see his alarm clock change from 6:26 am to 6:27 am; arguably the longest sixty seconds in the history of time.
     “You know, you’re the only girl who does these kinds of thing for me,” Joey said calmly, “Just, just come here.” I sat by him on the bed and he kissed me. My eyes felt like bad plumbing because they’d leak endlessly; no matter how hard I tried to stop, it was utterly impossible. Joey wiped those tears from my face like morning dew being swept off of grass, then he told me to lay down. “You’re not going to run off back to your house, just stay here,” he commanded, “Okay?” I thought about leaving but suddenly, Joey’s arms were around me   and I was sound asleep.
     We woke up at around three o’ clock in the afternoon of June 20th, 2009. We began discussing the events that had recently occurred. “Why’d you come all the way over here? I thought you could handle it, you told me yourself. I thought you wanted me to make the decision on my own,” Joey asked, somewhat confused.
     “You’re right, I thought I could handle it when I said I could but I wasn’t expecting it to hurt this much. I mean, I’ve known that I loved you for quite a while now but, well, it felt like being broken up with. Except it was not just any break up, but more like the utmost important person leaving your life.”
 The sobs began as I pushed to continue, “I ran all the way over here from my house, against my better judgment. Maybe we’re not supposed to be together, I don’t know but I need to show you that you’re not just anyone to me. You’re not just ‘some boy’. You’re Joey and I love you. I knew you were important the day we met; I felt it in my bones then and I still feel it to this day.” I paused, sighed, then looked up at Joey.
     “I don’t do the things I do to convince you to be mine,” I continued, “I do them to show you that I love you, that I care about you. I ran over here this morning because I knew that if I didn’t, my crying would have made a scene at your graduation party. I don’t want to be a problem or a burden and I’d hate to impose… I just need you to see that, well, I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’ll always be here. Even if as only a friend, I need you in my life because you’ve changed it so much. I can’t lose you; not without a fight, in the least. I know I’m not really good at explanations but in the most simple way I can put it; I love you. I don’t know any other way to convey it.” I stopped, took a breath, and glanced over at Joey.
     “Wow,” he began, “I don’t know what to say but I do understand you. Look, it’s getting late. We should get ready for the party…” “Okay,” I said thoughtfully, “Just please think about what I said. Let’s go.”
     We left to my house so I could get dolled up for the party. I showered and put on my newest outfit: a cute green and white sundress with blue and yellow flowers all over. I walked in to the living room to look for my shoes, only to find Joey awestricken. “You look amazing,” he said. “Thank you,” I smiled, “Well let’s go, shall we?”
From then on things were different and they always would be. But if you think that is the end, you are sadly mistaken. This story has just begun.

This was me wanting all of that, all of Joey.

But that story has ended and an even more beautiful story has begun.

It's a little bit funny, isn't it?

~

Mario Party 7

     I'm sitting in the room that used to house my video games while Chris scrolls through Reddit on his phone. I can't help but think of what a great place I am in my life, though things have changed. I'm excited for the future but am enjoying everyday I have right now.

     I just turned in my high school transcripts to Northeast Lakeview College and it was the weirdest mix of emotions for me. I was excited to be taking steps to do something new with my life but at the same time I was freaking out at being at the mercy of someone else. I don't like not know how to go about things and I definitely do not like not being in control of situations. I'm all about not "imparing my future self" just in case I am the only person I have in the future... I doubt that though. Especially with the way that things are going between Robert and I.

      His visit here was just magical.<3 Jena and I took him on a Tuesdaycation to Rockport, we went to Andy's bachelor party, I taught him how to make a origami crane... well, I tried.(x I don't know how to put this visit in words... It wasn't the "perfect" that I had envisioned... It was even better! It was just amazing; having this person whom I love so much, sitting on my bed.

     I don't know what else to say without getting all mushy and junk. (I'm saving that for another day, be prepared. Ha ha!) Life is just grand! :D
     I have a boyfriend that has me just as completely as I have him, I have a good job, I'm going to be attending college in the near future... I have no complaints except that Mario Party 7 is kicking my ass, but hey! Whose ass isn't Mario Party 7 kicking?

Further than we were but not as far as we want to be

     Hello there, Blogger world. I've missed your company quite a bit. I've been on twitter all the time but it's just not the same as this. It's quicker and easier, but 140 characters could never replace the feeling I get when I blog.

     I see there's been a lot of cosmetic changes to Blogger and I can only hope that they do not keep me from continuing to post on a regular basis. (Which I soon hope to reestablish.) The only thing I hope to do now is update you on my position in life, along with other related events.




     As I type this I am sitting on the floor of my bedroom, leaning up against my bed with my feet touching the dresser in front of me. My room is finally clean and the carpet finally free of random piles of paper and crafts. The only thing that remains in disarray is my dresser top, full of scatter items collectively entitled "miscellaneous."
     Across the hall are the sleeping quarters of my dear friend, co-worker, and roommate Jena. She'll have been here three weeks Tuesday. That's relatively new, having a roommate. It's not weird at all and it makes things a lot easier since I wrecked my vehicle a while back during what I like to call a Tuesdaycation.
     The vehicle is not much to talk about so here's the run-down: On the way to the beach for Tuesdaycation. Bad/distracted/scared driving. Veering into the road. Over-correction. Landing in a ditch. The damage to the vehicle plus existing problems make the vehicle not worth repairing. Sell it to a salvage yard for about half a grand. No human injury, just life experience. Life goes on.
     Tuesdaycation was a thing "the guys" (who no longer attend) and I came up with. Do you recall this post? Justin and Mark, those are "the guys." I had randomly decided to invite them to go to Corpus with me and would just pick a place and go for all of Tuesday. It's a pretty cool concept actually, to just leave to world behind you for one day a week. It's something I try to do often. Jena has be my co-pilot for these adventure at for at least a month and a half now.
     My plans have changed to a certain degree now that I have to invest in a new vehicle. My overall plans are the same but they just have been pushed back a year. And in the year I am to stay in Texas, I'm going to attend a community college (or take online course) to have some education on my record for when I apply to SUVA later on. I've been moved to the morning shift at IHOP, for good. Which is exciting as it's the shift that makes more money, overall. (Today I made $111 and even got bored sometimes...) I hope to have a new vehicle by the end of the summer, but I can hold off until the end of the year if necessary. I think that if I take online courses that I'll be more motivated to blog as well. I'm not as easily distracted as most are on the computer.
     On a final note, I'm excitedly (yet patiently) awaiting more details as to Robert's visit. The dates are all I need to know so I can take days off to spend with him. I'm extremely enthralled because it will be the first time he's ever been in my room in the two and a half years that we've known each other. The idea of him being in this space that's just so.... completely mine, makes me happy and nervous all the same. It just has to be perfect, or well... I want it to be.

     Well goodnight Bloggers and Blog-readers, see you around the bend.~

The first time we said goodbye

     It must have been the second or third day in January of two-thousand and ten; I had known you for two weeks short of two months. My winter vacation in Virginia was at its end and it was time for me to make my way to the airport terminal that would take me to my home city of San Antonio, Texas. I called you, knowing very well that it would be our last conversation ever.
     I was hungry and I rambled on about how I wanted a cinnamon roll after passing by a coffee shop that was nearing closing. Shortly after finding the correct terminal, I returned to the coffee shop and purchased that delicious smelling cinnamon roll. It was cold and terrible and you got such an earful of it. It was silly, but it was with you...
     After I threw out the cinnamon roll, our conversation got a little bit more serious. We talked about how it would be to say "I love you" for the first time in person, even though that was never going to happen. We told each other everything that we thought we were never going to get an opportunity to say. The phone call ended with our first "I love yous" and what was supposed to be our only goodbye.

     Just a couple of days before, you had sent me one of those annoying text message forwards. It had said something along the lines of, "Send this to anyone who has made you smile this past year (2009) I'm happy to have you in my life, etc, etc, etc." I've never been the type to forward anything but you made me forward that one to you. I guess it's because we were there, watching the end approaching, and knowing that there was nothing to be done. 

     We hung up and my heart sank. It didn't make sense for me to miss you so much after one month, two weeks, and "x" amount of minutes; and in all that time I had only spent time with you twice...

*

*

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*

*

But maybe it's not supposed to make sense.

 Because two and a half years later,

it still doesn't.

And we haven't said goodbye for good.

<3