An oasis in the desert

     Bittersweet is the perfect word, or as Señora Jones said "mal dulces" or bad candy. (She meant it in the way of bad but sweet).
     Today, my father and I took a tour of the Art Institute of Virginia Beach. I don't know how else to put it except that I feel as though it's a perfect fit for me. Though, nothing is set in stone until January. It feels completely new and breathtaking, like standing at the foot of a summit and looking up to see how tiny and insignificant you really are. And in the same token, it's as refreshing as the breath out of you mouth right after you have brushed your teeth. Not all factors are this interesting, unfortunately.
     You seem to love me when you're in a good mood and that upsets me. Some days I deserve the world and others I deserve nothing, some days I'm cute because I act like a kid and others I'm childish and need to grow up, some days I'm selfish and adorable and others I'm self-centered and stupid. I can't be everything but I am someone, and that person is simply Passíon.
     I'm tired of pleasing everyone, it's my time now. And I'm going to accomplish everything and anything to make me happy. I'd like you to be the hand holding mine, doing something you love... We'll see. We shall see.

Accomplishment

     For the first time in a long time, I feel like I'm doing something right and productive. I'm not sure of the outcome and all that jazz but it's exciting. I'm holding fast to this feeling because it seems... I don't know the word, uh... GREAT??? Ha, I'm not sure. I haven't been this excited about much in a while and I know I haven't been blogging so much recently. It's hard to find the time between studying, projects, and socializing; but I digress.
     I feel like I'm on top of the world and it feels so silly but I'm a cloud. I have a good thing going and it's so new. A newness I haven't felt, ever. I guess all I can do is keep doodling and smiling a stupid when people look at me funny. Holy BeJesus, it's great! I don't know how I can better convey the complete and utter felicity I feel streaming through my veins. I'm getting a vehicle soon and it just seems like all the pieces are falling so perfectly together! Well I don't have much more to say about anything except that religioustolerance.org is definitely worth checking out and phobialist.com is a fun little site to figure out what to call your quirky little fears. Well it's I'm done with this. I'll make sure to blog more often. Good night!

Sunflowers still wilt

     I am, for the time being, back to my cute self. You make me smile and cry all the same. I hope this will last, though I'm not sure if it will. It's already starting to fade and it's only just begun. You can plant the seeds to grow a sunflower but it won't grow without your patience, and mine.

Dreaming up nightmares

     It's strange. Everything felt like a dream to begin with just to turn sour in the end. You surprised me. I didn't know what to think. Things started to flow like corn syrup from a jar: smooth yet thick. One day. Just one day. And that corn syrup got all over the floor and made a huge sticky mess. A mess with purpose, though. But it seems everything is misinterpreted, as always.
     To my father, I am headed down the path of being seventeen and pregnant. He thinks that after I graduate or whatever, that I'm gonna get pregnant and do nothing with my life. I have no ambitions, but to be a mother, and I highly doubt I have the capabilities to do that. Not necessarily that I won't be a good mom but more like my body wouldn't be able to handle it. I think of that a lot, but that's for another day. I've been trying to tell my father that I don't want to go to college and that I don't want to join the military but "doing nothing" is not an option. He says I'm setting the bar too low and that I need to form some expectations for myself. I do have an expectation: I expect myself to graduate from high school, no GED or whatever, but a full on high school diploma. After that I don't know what I'm gonna do, I just know that I'm not stupid. I will do something when I'm ready; but right now, I'm not. I'm tired of everyone pressuring me to make something of myself when I there is nothing more I want to do than work at Target. I'm sorry that it's not enough for you, father. I'm sorry I'm not your perfect, educated son. I'm sorry I'm not who you want me to be. I'm just your fuck-up of a daughter.
     Besides being, no wait, I'm a fuck-up to pretty much everyone. Yep. Sorry world, I'm not a functional member of society. Maybe after I graduate I'll lose contact with the vast majority of the people that care, how does that sound? I'll end like Chris McCandless: dead somewhere in the middle of Alaska. Mhm, and I hope you think great of me then. I hope by then that I will have made you proud. All of you.
     Too bad I care too much to let myself die and lose contact with you, even if all I do is disappoint you. I care a lot. Too much for my own good. But on the bright side, I fixed the bracelet. I wish that when I go to sleep I will awaken from this nightmarish dream, and if I do, I'll remember to tell you to stay. Please stay, I'm more trouble than I'm ever worth. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry everyone.

Men and their vehicular pride

     I didn't blog yesterday and I don't remember how I felt so I'll probably shift between the two a lot in this entry. So I'll start with whatever comes to mind.
     My ears have been burning a lot lately, especially the right. I wonder who's doing all the talking. Oh, speaking of talking, I had a flashback moment because of what happened yesterday. Kasey, Matt, and I were walking past Food Lion (keep in mind that Matt has a huge rock in his hand, don't ask why). So we were minding our own business and Matt raises the rock to this guy's car who is driving past us; the guy looks like a typical prick, wanna-be surfer dude, and he gets out of his vehicle. "You got something to say?" Matt looks at him like 'whatever' and says no dude. The prick guy starts calling Matt names and thinks he's all cool by talking down on a kid in front of his girlfriend (who was really impressed). We kept walking and the guy took the time to loop around and talk more mierda. Lame guy with nothing better to do but talk crap to kids. -_-
    The flashback that the previous situation reminds me of is one day at dollar theatre with Chance and Andy. I think this was the day that we put the Black Panther CD on, top volume, and the first song began with a woman singing, "We will not back down... from RACISM!" The vehicle next to us was a African American person with their windows rolled down, classic. Ha ha ha. Moving on, we were close the theatre and Andy was kinda swerving for a reason I cannot remember. Well this guy in front of us got upset and when we turned into the theatre parking after us. We got out of Andy's car and started our way to the front of the building, and just then the guy pulls up next to us. "What the ****? You ****ing kids..." Blah blah blah. Andy was being real serious with him and I couldn't help but want to laugh. "Go what your damn movie, see what happens when you get out!" The three of us looked at Andy's car and I was near tears. The guy sped off and I said, "What is he gonna do? Give you a paint job?" Ha ha ha, oh well. Today, there isn't much more I want to say. Goodnight