Lost in slumber

     I dreamt of having a giant timeline on my wall, of what I don't remember, but it was of quite some importance. These people and I rearranged the timeline countless times until it reached the point of near perfection, I suppose. A girl said to me, "Bad dreams come from your stuffed animals being upside down." That line really took me by surprise, I didn't think little things like that had that much impact. This is kind of silly, but I want to test that theory, ha ha ha! I'll report my results in another blog entry.
     Moving on, yesterday was quite a day. Well not really. I wanted to be alone, sometimes I get tired of always being surrounded by people. I took the dogs for a walk by myself and instead of the normal petty chatter I was used to, I looked around and really admired my surroundings. I watched a few leaves, carried by the wind, glide down from their tree and softly touch the ground. I noted to variety of leave colors that my Texas eyes were not used to seeing. And I'd close my eyes and take deep breaths and open them to reveal the vast beauty of this land called Virginia Beach. I put the dogs away and decided that I still wanted to be alone.
     I took some chalk and walked to the ugly tennis court by the park, my mission was to draw. Alana from the art institute told me that drawing was something that could be taught, so I tried my luck and I think it was a success. Just so you know, drawing in chalk is far from the easiest thing because it takes at lot of spit and a lot of rubbing that spit to erase anything. I think that the drawing accurately represents me (except I parted the hair the wrong way) and this is sort of my motivation to practice getting better at uhhh... drawing!
     Later on in the day, Kasey met up with me and eventually Den, Lee, Big L, Pablo, and Charmander. Mhm, a lot of people on my day alone. No big deal though. Just kept to myself most of the time, listening to my iPod. I think the end of the day was the best though...
     Laying on the fallen leaves, looking up at the stars. It was beautiful and cold and I believe it was only six-ish. I walked home and the day pretty much ended, I watched The Bounty Hunter with Heather and my dad, then went upstairs, played two games of free cell, then went to sleep. That's when my timeline dream began. Good morning.

An oasis in the desert

     Bittersweet is the perfect word, or as Señora Jones said "mal dulces" or bad candy. (She meant it in the way of bad but sweet).
     Today, my father and I took a tour of the Art Institute of Virginia Beach. I don't know how else to put it except that I feel as though it's a perfect fit for me. Though, nothing is set in stone until January. It feels completely new and breathtaking, like standing at the foot of a summit and looking up to see how tiny and insignificant you really are. And in the same token, it's as refreshing as the breath out of you mouth right after you have brushed your teeth. Not all factors are this interesting, unfortunately.
     You seem to love me when you're in a good mood and that upsets me. Some days I deserve the world and others I deserve nothing, some days I'm cute because I act like a kid and others I'm childish and need to grow up, some days I'm selfish and adorable and others I'm self-centered and stupid. I can't be everything but I am someone, and that person is simply Passíon.
     I'm tired of pleasing everyone, it's my time now. And I'm going to accomplish everything and anything to make me happy. I'd like you to be the hand holding mine, doing something you love... We'll see. We shall see.

Accomplishment

     For the first time in a long time, I feel like I'm doing something right and productive. I'm not sure of the outcome and all that jazz but it's exciting. I'm holding fast to this feeling because it seems... I don't know the word, uh... GREAT??? Ha, I'm not sure. I haven't been this excited about much in a while and I know I haven't been blogging so much recently. It's hard to find the time between studying, projects, and socializing; but I digress.
     I feel like I'm on top of the world and it feels so silly but I'm a cloud. I have a good thing going and it's so new. A newness I haven't felt, ever. I guess all I can do is keep doodling and smiling a stupid when people look at me funny. Holy BeJesus, it's great! I don't know how I can better convey the complete and utter felicity I feel streaming through my veins. I'm getting a vehicle soon and it just seems like all the pieces are falling so perfectly together! Well I don't have much more to say about anything except that religioustolerance.org is definitely worth checking out and phobialist.com is a fun little site to figure out what to call your quirky little fears. Well it's I'm done with this. I'll make sure to blog more often. Good night!

Sunflowers still wilt

     I am, for the time being, back to my cute self. You make me smile and cry all the same. I hope this will last, though I'm not sure if it will. It's already starting to fade and it's only just begun. You can plant the seeds to grow a sunflower but it won't grow without your patience, and mine.

Dreaming up nightmares

     It's strange. Everything felt like a dream to begin with just to turn sour in the end. You surprised me. I didn't know what to think. Things started to flow like corn syrup from a jar: smooth yet thick. One day. Just one day. And that corn syrup got all over the floor and made a huge sticky mess. A mess with purpose, though. But it seems everything is misinterpreted, as always.
     To my father, I am headed down the path of being seventeen and pregnant. He thinks that after I graduate or whatever, that I'm gonna get pregnant and do nothing with my life. I have no ambitions, but to be a mother, and I highly doubt I have the capabilities to do that. Not necessarily that I won't be a good mom but more like my body wouldn't be able to handle it. I think of that a lot, but that's for another day. I've been trying to tell my father that I don't want to go to college and that I don't want to join the military but "doing nothing" is not an option. He says I'm setting the bar too low and that I need to form some expectations for myself. I do have an expectation: I expect myself to graduate from high school, no GED or whatever, but a full on high school diploma. After that I don't know what I'm gonna do, I just know that I'm not stupid. I will do something when I'm ready; but right now, I'm not. I'm tired of everyone pressuring me to make something of myself when I there is nothing more I want to do than work at Target. I'm sorry that it's not enough for you, father. I'm sorry I'm not your perfect, educated son. I'm sorry I'm not who you want me to be. I'm just your fuck-up of a daughter.
     Besides being, no wait, I'm a fuck-up to pretty much everyone. Yep. Sorry world, I'm not a functional member of society. Maybe after I graduate I'll lose contact with the vast majority of the people that care, how does that sound? I'll end like Chris McCandless: dead somewhere in the middle of Alaska. Mhm, and I hope you think great of me then. I hope by then that I will have made you proud. All of you.
     Too bad I care too much to let myself die and lose contact with you, even if all I do is disappoint you. I care a lot. Too much for my own good. But on the bright side, I fixed the bracelet. I wish that when I go to sleep I will awaken from this nightmarish dream, and if I do, I'll remember to tell you to stay. Please stay, I'm more trouble than I'm ever worth. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry everyone.