I thought you would never leaf me...

     There are only a few things flowing through my mind right now, the first being the title of this post. Oh how I wish to spill my heart to you, blogger world. I was deserted in July, and everywhere I walked I saw leaves. I wanted to send him a leaf with "I thought you would never leaf me..." written on it. It was cheesy, I know, but it was all I thought I could do besides cry. Even now, just the thought of it is tearing me apart. I wrote and typed numerous letters that I just ended up throwing away, I wrote ten page text messages that I never sent, I dialed those ten digits but never hit the call button. Oh I was so depressed, it was as though the sun had failed to rise and everything I did thereafter was another fuck up to add to the wall of tallies. Everything fell apart, not even crazy glue could have kept it together, but I suppose that's destiny or fate or what have you.

     And it's not like good hasn't come from it, but sometimes it feels as though things could have been slightly different. Maybe. Like my last day in Texas as my home, that could have been much different. I'll never forget when my mother uttered those ugly words to me, "If he loved you, he would have come and spent the night with you." "He has work mom," I replied feebly, "it's fine." She shook her head and went away from me. That day was eventful and terrible. I never really thought of how (quote, unquote) things could have been, it kind of just came to me one day. I was thinking nothing of you when I remembered how terribly lonely I was on the night before my departure and of my mom's words to me. 

     Then I fast forward to the day he left me, the day that I ran until my knees gave out. There were leaves everywhere and I could think was that every leaf lying on the ground was a stab at my heart, at my pathetic broken heart.

     I flashback to that lonely night before my voyage and my mind plays game with me. It places him there, in my bed, with me in his arms. I look so deadly serious when I look up at him and say, "You won't leave me out there all by myself, will you?" He smirks and says, "Now why would you get a silly idea like that in your head? Of course not, I love you!" I smile a toothy smile and close my eyes because I feel safe, he moves the hair from my forehead and my imaginary memory fades away.

     My eyes start watering but I quickly brush away the forming tears. Why does the mind play this folly with us? Why make me remember something that never happened? Why make me feel so strongly for something that is but a mental lie? Oh mind, why must you do this to me?

Transition

     If you have noticed, I keep changing between a few blogger templates. The reason being 1.) I found a new template that I like 2.) I am also having some coding issues with that template 3.) This polka dot one will suffice for now.
     The main problem I have with the new template is that I want you, the reader, to be able to give me feedback. I can't seem to do the correct coding that would allow me to enable comments but I'm sure I'll fix it soon enough. Just hang tight and enjoy these temporary polka dots!

No fotos

     Completely off topic and not what I want to address but I came across this:

"Please use the comments to demonstrate your own ignorance, unfamiliarity with empirical data, ability to repeat discredited memes, and lack of respect for scientific knowledge. Also, be sure to create straw men and argue against things I have neither said nor even implied. Any irrelevancies you can mention will also be appreciated. Lastly, kindly forgo all civility in your discourse . . . you are, after all, anonymous."

     Ha, isn't that classic? I thought so! But now I will enclose some photographs from my trip to Washinngton, D.C. And I apologize in advance for not being your typical tourist in that I don't feel like I need to take a photo of evertyhing to prove that I was there.

 Einstein Memorial.

You see that tiny yellow speck in the middle? 

 That yellow speck is one of these, I found it hilarious.(:

Not your typical Washington Monument photograph. 

Korean War Memorial

 At Ben's Chili Bowl, I'm coming back here when I'm President! :D

 I could not stop laughing at this! A sign in one of the Smithsonian museums.

All the following are part of the space and air museums, a bit of insight into my sick obsession with old technology.(;

 A Game & Watch system! 

 At one point, this was a mini computer!

 GPS! :D

 Sexified laptop!

Telephone and pager. ;D

Oh how destructive

I looked in an old notebook of mine and I am going to share with you a terrible entry. I cried after reading it because it's so... unlike myself, as I am now. I suppose it was a poem but... well I'll let you examine it.


"I look at my reflection whose eyes are as red as mine and say, 'darling, you're ugly.'
Her eyes begin to tear and she starts to sob. She says back to me, 'darling, you're ugly.'
How dare she speak to me that way, a frown upon my face
It's time to put her in her place.
She frowns back at me as though she sees what's coming, but does she?
I raise my fist up and she stares back with no surprise.
I sock her in the face and she continues to cry.
Her cheeks are tender and moist with tears.
In her I have instilled no fear.
It makes me angry that she seems to feel no pain,
the punches get stronger but it's still the same.
'You're stupid,' I whisper, hoping to rouse an evil spirit within;
Yet in spite of me she whispers it right back again.
'Your foolish games are useless, I know that you're in pain.'
'You're only hurting yourself. You need to cease this charade.'
I raise my fist to strike her but it drops to my side,
but I pick it up again---refusing her advice.
I bash her cheeks, left then right, leaving behind bruises of brutal self-destruction.
She weeps for me now and not for herself; she sees my errors and only wants to help.
As long as she's not hurting, I cannot stop---the pain is not the same alone.
It'll continue this way, my reflection and me.
Until the day I listen, the day I feel and see.
Goodnight my reflection, I shall see you again."

-November 3rd, 2010

I shattered her heart when I uttered the truth

     I finally did it. I finally mustered the courage and strength it took to say the things I've been meaning to say for such a long time. I told Part Two exactly what she didn't want to hear and yet, she wanted to know. It was like she was waiting for an outside source to confirm what she already feared. As I told her, face to face, just the surface of what had happened, she looked at me eagerly, almost expectantly. When I told her that there was a brief time in the summer, she ran away crying.

     My heart hurt after seeing that but I still made my way to class. "I told her," I said to Brandon. He was surprised and quite frankly, so was I. I went to class and I talked about it and felt like I needed to tell her everything, not just what I had addressed in person.

     When I got home I sent her a message on facebook (I know, how square) and confessed everything. I typed the original note to the T. And then we discussed it and what she was going to do, she broke up with him. And oddly enough, I feel a new closeness to her. Even though I caused a mess, I was there to clean it up when it got bad.

     I feel a little stronger now, like I've accomplished a terrible task that needed to be done. I can't help but to feel sorrow in my heart as well... It's as though I know I've done right with this but I can't help but feel bad for the situation. I hope everything gets better for Part Two and that Part One suffers as much as she did.

Time to start from square one.

(Above Image.)