Skimming the surface of you and I

     It's funny how every time I see you is like meeting you all over again. I mean, I know that I know you... but seeing you makes me feel like it's the first time that your eyes are meeting mine. I get extremely nervous and wonder if it's okay to hold your hand. In my heart I'm positive that you'll allow such a gesture, but in my mind I'm having doubts. "I just got here," I think to myself, "I don't want to seem too eager or too clingy... Oh who am I kidding! Those words describe me perfectly." I reach for your hand and you gladly accept mine. I smile and blush, embarrassed that I doubted my desire for a second. Now all I want is to have you near to me for as long as I can!
     At some point, the nerves simmer down a bit and our comfort with each other returns. We are happy doing absolutely nothing except watching the night sky from the inside of the car and staying home, cracking jokes about what ever commercials are playing on the television.
     During the shows you rub your head (and antlers) against me and say "moose moose," as you tickle my neck with your scruffy beard. I giggle and playfully push you away. "Mew mew, purrrr" I say when I rub my head against your shoulder.
     But four days comes to an end pretty quickly, and soon it's time for us to part. Your mom drives us to the airport where we have to say goodbye. It's hard for me to talk between tears so I hug you as tight as I can and tippy-toe to give you a kiss. You say, "I love you Shawnee." To which I quickly retaliate, "I love you too, Papa Bear." I ask you to thank your mom for all she has done for me and then we go our separate ways...
     Each hello you utter puts the biggest smile on my face and every goodbye brings me to tears; but all the smiles make the tears worthwhile. All the laughter makes the wait to see you next seem to pass more quickly. I just love you and every second that we have together.<3

One day we'll be ugly old people with ass cancer,

sitting on our rocking chairs,

making turkey noises at passersby.

And at that point,

what others say won't phase us;

because I'll have you and you'll have me.

Until we

*head shake*

Bluh blub bleh

*Stick out tongue*

And well...

you know the rest.

<3

Hell Girl

     My brother introduced me to the best anime ever, Hell Girl. It's lesson is that vengeance solves nothing. I don't know how to explain the show without getting all nerdy and excited about it... so here it goes.
     Ai Enma, Hell Girl, has the powers to send people to hell if you pull the scarlet thread on the doll that she gives you. You must first contact the Hell Correspondence with the name of your "tormentor"  and from then on, Ai contacts you and tell you the rules of vengeance. It might seem awesome that you can kill the person who is bringing harm to you, instantly. But "there is always a price to pay." That price is to spend an eternity in hell once you die; the choice is solely yours.
     It makes you think about whether or not you have anyone that you hate enough to want them dead. And I have to say, my life is great. There is not one person that I think has done me wrong to the point of death...
     But everyone needs to watch this show. EVERYONE. It's soooo good. TvT

The life of a bear, please

     It's getting close to winter, may I please hibernate? May I take a day or maybe a month off from the bustling world around me? Would it be alright, Universe, if I could float in between time with Papa Bear for a while and hold his hand? I'm not asking for much, am I? A little relaxing time with my bebee sounds superb.

     I suppose I can tough it out for a bit. After all, November 11th isn't so far away. I'm just exhausted with this life I'm living; I feel so boring, so ordinary. This is the part of my life that they would leave out of the movie, the part where nothing happens. The part where I take a walk around Target to put my mind at ease and I pretend I'm going to buy something. The part where I sit in my car and think about nothing in particular and amaze myself with thoughts...

     A co-worker asked what I do for fun---honestly, I had no answer. My life is so dull. I work, I eat, I sleep. I need a change. Having weekends off sucks when you have no friends.

     And on a final note, I dreamt that I had a pet bear that drank vanilla lattes. That's me, a tired bear who's too busy to hibernate. I need some time for myself besides these few hours before bed./: I'd like the life of an bear with no priorities.

Holding hostages

     I read a status update on facebook that said, "Get him off of your mind and let him out of your life, okay?" That status wasn't meant for me but it affected me as thought it was; let me explain.
     I cannot handle the thought of someone I care about leaving my life. I hold fast to everyone because, in my opinion, everyone matters. Every person in my life is here for a reason, but what happens when they no longer want to stay? Am I wrong for making hostages of those I care about so much?
     I think it is wrong. I should be letting people leave if they so desire...

...maybe.

Mirrored damage

     I'm listening to Northern Lights (Acoustic) by The Dangerous Summer. I've been listening to it on repeat for a couple of days now. On the way to work, after work, during time to myself, as I sleep... and I really don't know why I torture myself this way. This song has such a profound meaning to me  that I can't help but fill buckets with my tears. *Sigh* How depressing.
     I just feel like I'm on the defensive; instead of being the victim I'm the murderer. I'll plea "not guilty" even as I sit in court with my hands laden with crimson blood. Of course, I won't get away with it because my imaginary world is quite just---but that's besides the point.
     My tactics have been taught to me by people who were once of the utmost importance. I have a mirror full of the terrible things that those I loved have put me through and now, I'm using them for myself.
     But why? It's not as though I intentionally decided to be evil, it's just a way for me to defend myself from the very few insecurities I do have. Instead of trying things I run away, I say "I don't know," I hide, and cower  in fear... in fear of myself.
     I make too many mistakes and I think far too deeply, far too often. And as a result I hurt those I care about. It becomes a repeating process and at the end of the day I begin to realize that I'm breaking my own heart.
   

When will I learn?