The first time we said goodbye

     It must have been the second or third day in January of two-thousand and ten; I had known you for two weeks short of two months. My winter vacation in Virginia was at its end and it was time for me to make my way to the airport terminal that would take me to my home city of San Antonio, Texas. I called you, knowing very well that it would be our last conversation ever.
     I was hungry and I rambled on about how I wanted a cinnamon roll after passing by a coffee shop that was nearing closing. Shortly after finding the correct terminal, I returned to the coffee shop and purchased that delicious smelling cinnamon roll. It was cold and terrible and you got such an earful of it. It was silly, but it was with you...
     After I threw out the cinnamon roll, our conversation got a little bit more serious. We talked about how it would be to say "I love you" for the first time in person, even though that was never going to happen. We told each other everything that we thought we were never going to get an opportunity to say. The phone call ended with our first "I love yous" and what was supposed to be our only goodbye.

     Just a couple of days before, you had sent me one of those annoying text message forwards. It had said something along the lines of, "Send this to anyone who has made you smile this past year (2009) I'm happy to have you in my life, etc, etc, etc." I've never been the type to forward anything but you made me forward that one to you. I guess it's because we were there, watching the end approaching, and knowing that there was nothing to be done. 

     We hung up and my heart sank. It didn't make sense for me to miss you so much after one month, two weeks, and "x" amount of minutes; and in all that time I had only spent time with you twice...

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But maybe it's not supposed to make sense.

 Because two and a half years later,

it still doesn't.

And we haven't said goodbye for good.

<3

Mankie and Grampy

     First off, please forgive me for not staying on track, I'm just typing what my brain says is right. This post is a really personal an heartfelt one regarding my Grandparents, two amazing people that I know I wouldn't be here without.<3



     Grampy and I have always clashed heads, always, but I love and respect him so much because he's got a really big heart for a stubborn old man. If you ever need anything, my Grampy is there with his arms wide open ready to take you in---no questions asked. The only reasons he would turn anyone down are 1.) You took him for a fool and took advantage of the help he was giving you, or 2.) You disrespected God, Grampy himself, or anyone who he respects or holds dear. He will tell you everything you need to hear because he's been around the block and knows how things happen. And even though he doesn't have text messaging or facebook, he knows that people and the situations they put themselves in aren't much different from then and now.
    Today Grampy told me a mini-story that went something like this:

"John at work told me that he didn't want to become close friends with me because every time he gets close to someone, they end up leaving. Well I told him, 'Look John, my friends are forever. If someone leaves my life, it's not because they're choosing to leave; it's because I'm kicking them out. No real friend will just leave.'

     It seemed so innocent, hearing "my friends are forever" from such a worn soul; and at the same time it warmed my heart because he cared. He really cared.

     And then my Mankie... she's just fantastic. I don't know anyone who doesn't just love Mankie. She's so nice and sweet and as hospitable as can be! She compliments Grampy very well, as she's more loving and nurturing and he's more stern and direct. Mankie is like all the Bluebonnets growing in Texas, beautiful and you want them to always be around, just seeing them makes you happy. For me, seeing Mankie is like being home, whether I just saw her two minutes ago or two years ago. She's the one who will kiss your boo-boo right where it hurts.

     As a child I grew up with Mankie and Grampy running the show. On major holidays when the entire family would come down, Mankie and Grampy's was the place to be. All meals and events were planned to a T without any pen or paper; everything was made on time, everyone went to sleep on time,
everyone was showered and ready on time. What Mankie and Grampy said was law and no one ever questioned it because we all knew that nothing good would come of it. When Grampy told the grandkids to clean the Florida room, we did without so much as a breath in the wrong direction. It was the way things worked in the Alderete house and how they always will.

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     I was about halfway to my grandparent's house today, when the image of my Mankie and Grampy not being able to walk hit me like a brick wall. I started crying uncontrollably because seeing them incapable of doing anything was not how I've seen them all my life. And even as they are slowing wearing down each day, I still remember them like I did all those years ago, and how I'll remember them forever.

<3

     I've been meaning to blog for a while because there's been a lot on and off of my mind lately. ...It feels good to finally have the time to sit here and let my fingers touch the keys.(:

Well first off, enjoy some photos!

I saw this video on Youtube,

where the girl rolls her hair, like so,

and mine came out pretty good. :3

 Side view.

Entire outfit.

 Face shot.

The very next day.

I like how I can change my style over night.

(:

A customer left me a tip in Pi.

:D

 How I proved to Roger that I was gonna visit him!

xD

 In my Mankie's front yard.

So pretty;<3

 The dress and shoes I'm gonna wear to Robert's prom!

I'm so excited!

:D

But I'm still not sure whether I should wear glasses... 

...or not!

     Anyhow, I found this notebook I used to write in all the time back in 2008 and dang! Wasn't that something? It's odd how much I haven't changed. I mean, I was a lot more childish then (which makes sense) but overall I've always been who I am today.

     It really surprised me to read so much about Joey because I can look back at our relationship and feel absolutely nothing. I've completely forgotten the feeling of being head over heels in love with him. I think I remember but then I know that I'll never know that feeling how I used to know it, which isn't necessarily a bad thing but I really don't care.

     Speaking of Joey though, we got in an argument a couple of weeks ago about S, Joey's girl-to-be, and why our relationship failed. If you follow my twitter, you might have noticed some of my tweets being about some one copying me; those were about S. As you can infer, she was essentially trying to be as Passíon as possible. (And I can assure you that I'm not being cocky.)

     It started with S's bio which was way too similar to my "I breathe, I blog, and I play neopets. Woo for the weirdos." S's bio was something like, "I live. I love. I blog. I laugh. I play random neopets. Yay for the unordinary." It freaked me out... and that was just the beginning.

     Eventually she tweaked her bio a bit, but it was still essentially the same thing. She followed my account but she never retweeted any of my tweets; instead, she would type the same tweet but change a few words. -_-" For example I tweeted: "If I can't tell someone everything, why bother telling them anything?" Then a while later, S tweeted, "Why bother telling some one anything, if there's no trust?" You can see how that is obviously derived from my initial statement, yes?

     Then comes the good part! The point where she changes her profile to look almost identical to mine, she posts a photo of the letters that Joey and his family wrote to her, and then after Joey and I get into the argument, her friend D goes on her twitter and says, "My name is D and ive been using my friends account and have been pretending to be her. Sorry." and "Worst thing a person can do is go behind her best friends back and post her private life where it doesnt belong." 

     Meh. Stupidity. I guess I should be flattered to the extent of which she tried to portray me and then give a terrible front. I'm just easily creeped out, I suppose.

     Other than that minor upset in my road, I'm doing quite swell! I'm really excited because I'm going to be seeing Robert soon! In two weeks actually! (And then three weeks after that!) I don't think I was this excited to go to prom when I was in high school.(x 

     At work, if I smile out of nowhere my co-workers are like, "Yes Passíon, WE KNOW you're excited to see Robert!" And I really am, I've never had him over at my house before! I'm set on having everything perfect. Teehee. :3

Life is good and there's so much more ahead! Until next time~!

There's hope yet

     I think I've been right all along; I'm stubborn at times, but this time I feel like I'm right. I've never been more determined than I am right at this instant. It's such an amazing feeling...
     I feel it in my heart and in my mind, they're finally in agreement! There's no "possible scenarios" playing in between them or one covering up the beliefs of the other. My mind and heart are at peace with one another, and we're preparing for what lies ahead.
     My plans aren't changing, I'll be out of here in a matter of months. I'm excited and it's almost impossible to contain this feeling! But you'll see world. You will see!

Math

     Do you remember the last few minutes I spent with you? I'm crying like I was then, but at that time, I buried myself in your arms. In between my sobs, I apologized for crying and I told you that I loved you. I asked you to thank your mom for everything because she had done so much for us, I really appreciated everything. We kissed and I shuffled off towards the airport security... that was in November.

     We haven't seen each other since.

.....and I fucking miss you.

But I can't be your friend.

 Because I wouldn't know where to draw the line.