Internal learning

     There have been a lot of thoughts swimming through my head as of late, but the most interesting have been about myself. (Probably because I am myself, ha ha.) But these things interest me because I'm starting to question the motives behind some of the actions I choose. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret a single action I choose because I am happy for who I am today and I hope that I can say the same tomorrow. Please allow me to clarify.
   
     Lately, I have become much more aware of my indifference towards most things. When it comes down to making a decision about something, either option is just as appealing to me because I really couldn't care either way. When I reflect on the decision later, I ponder what drove me to choose said option. I don't wonder what life would have been like if I chose the other because, with my indifference, not much would have been different. I ask "Did I choose this because of how I felt at the moment?" "Was this chosen as a result of habit?" And other such questions.
     At the end of the day, my goal is to reach the core of my decision making, to figure out what is driving me to do what I do, and the cause of my indifference. And until I can get to the roots of my pondering, all I can do in continue to interrogate myself.

Universal Patience

Somehow it seems that things are forever off balance for us. We are never on the same page but we are always reading the same book; sometimes you're far ahead while I'm stuck reading the same page a thousand times over, other times, the reverse is true. But the fact that neither of us has put the book down after over three years must mean something, right?

New Year, new place

     I made the over 24-hour journey from San Antonio, Texas to Virginia Beach, Virginia with only the company of my homosexual/derpy kitten, Princess Leia. We experienced a lot of set backs but in three days, we made it home.(:
     To date, I am staying with my best friend, Miss Kasey Smith. And I am in the process of obtaining an occupation and a new place of residence. These simple things have proven to be a little more challenging than not, but I have faith that things will work in my favor. :D
   

Here's a list of my awesome New Year's resolutions:

1. Run (Three-mile runs every day)
2. Be pretty (Like, doll myself up all the time)
3. Word of the day (Document and use the word to expand my vocabulary)
4. Don't have sex outside of a relationship (Which doesn't mean get a boyfriend just so I can have sex)
5. Call my family every week.

Sorry this post is short and lame.
You'll get some consolations photos in time.
(:

Global Positioning System (GPS)

     I've been graduated from high school for over a year and my life still has no direction. I have no desire to do anything but leave this town. But how am I supposed to travel down any path when my internal compass is broken?
     On top of that, I have this tremendous fear of not enjoying the world as I am now. I need to experience what world has to offer, in my youth and freedom. I can't see myself being tied to any place for too long. I just can't. I'm too young to settle down and too fickle to decide what direction I would want to continually pursue. I don't believe in the whole, "go to college and do your basics" business. I feel like it would more of a waste of time than what I'm currently doing.
     I just don't fit into the cookie cutter molds that American society has created for people of my age, but upon hearing the progress and success of others', I freak out even more knowing that my life is floating on a stagnant steam to nowhere.

I need to leave this city, I won't find my passion here.

But where do I begin?

Lack of focus

     It was difficult to wrap my mind around work last night because I've been so consumed by the most recent dream I had. The dream was long and I don't care to get into any detail about it, but the thing that made the dream so terrible is that it reflected my real life fear.
     I'm afraid that someone will fall in love with me, not because they want to but rather, because the person who was their initial object of their affections cannot or will not love them.
     It hurts to feel like I'll never be more than second best to anyone, even in my dreams. That the person to whom I devote my time and efforts to would prefer to have someone other than me, to feel like my love is just a fallback plan...
     I woke up, still screaming and crying about how I couldn't handle it. How I couldn't stand to be number one if there was a number two. How I couldn't bear to hold anyone back from who they really wanted to be with.
     I'm terrified of having no one beside me...

But then here I am, alone.